Most sexually abused adopted children feel guilty and responsible for the abuses they suffered. This might not make much sense to a person who never suffered from sexual abuse. From the outside, it seems obvious that a child is never responsible for sexual contact with an adult. However, from the sexually abused adopted children's perspective, this is not obvious at all.

Feeling responsible for being sexually abused is an even bigger issue when the sexual abuse started at a young age. In my case, I was only a toddler when the sexual abuse began, so I learned from my earliest days that I did not have a say over how my body was treated. Unfortunately, this lack of boundaries carries over into all other relationships, so when other adult abusers demand sexual contact, the child puts up no fight and then feels guilty about it afterward.

I cannot tell you how many adult survivors of sexual abuse have told me that they were responsible for having a "sexual relationship" with an adult when they were just children. One woman was only eight years old when an adult man started "having sex" with her. She believed that she was responsible for this because she did not say no. She felt extremely guilt and filled with shame. She believed it was all her fault.

The reason your sexually abused adopted child might feel responsible for being abused makes more sense than you might realize. The worst thing for a child is to feel hopeless because then he loses the will to go on with life. So, he tells himself that he is responsible for the abuse, which gives the hope of the abuse ending. If the child can just be smarter, prettier, uglier, fatter, thinner…, then the abuse will stop. This lie keeps the child going with the hope of having the power to make the abuse stop. While this self-lie is effective while in survival mode, it is maladaptive once the child is safe in his new home.

If your adopted child was sexually abused, she needs to hear that the abuse was not her fault. If you have ever seen the movie Good Will Hunting, then you have seen a good representation of how your adopted child might react to being told that it was not his fault. Just as Robin Williams did in the movie, you need to tell your child this repeatedly until he "hears" you. It will probably take your child much longer than it took Will to hear it in the movie. This is a message that takes a long time to penetrate.

Related topics:

• Aftereffects of Childhood Abuse: Shame
• Working Through Shame After Child Abuse

Photo credit: Lynda Bernhardt