Today's guest blog is from John, a former commercial airline pilot who has adopted four boys from domestic foster care as a single parent. John and his family live in southern California. 

This is not a promo to get everyone to go out and adopt a foster child. It is the journey I have been through with my four sons who came from foster care, we are adopted. Each one came home individually, and typically was about age 12 at the start of the adoption. There is a belief in child psychology that if you cannot make an impact with a child before age three, don't bother, everything is set in stone. Hogwash. Older kids can change, just like adults can change. 

Early days: An exciting and stressful time. This is a stranger living in your home, you want him to become your child, but he is a resident of your home, no more. My first son was very independent; he would "fit in", but only to manipulate. He loved ice hockey, a sport I knew nothing about, I became a hockey dad (ice rinks are cold and pucks hurt). He also was sexually active before he came home, something I had not dealt with, you do not put genie back in the bottle, you get to try to sell "Mr. Raincoat". He also liked to fight, giving me a lot of opportunity to meet other parents, just not in the best circumstances. My next son came home with huge problems that had not been disclosed. It was so grim that I had to have him admitted to a psychiatric hospital after one week. I doubt the he even processed me at the beginning. It took six months before he called me Dad. He was another fighter. Son number three came home on very abbreviated visitation: Three days in his area, Massachusetts, followed by the move to California. There were problems that required a fast move from the foster home, but short visitation is a bad idea. He was very withdrawn and sad. He had no ability to make friends. I was his personal entertainment device and this would last for three years. He would periodically explode, signs of problems to be dealt with in the future. My last son fit in very well from the start, it was all fake. The honeymoon lasted six months, and then, with no warning. he insisted on ending the adoption and going back. I gave him two weeks to change his mind. He did, but that started the adjustment period, rage, nasty manipulation, and intentionally not fitting in. 

The transition: The child begins to change, and you are changing too. The first change seemed to be speech patterns--they began to sound like me. Then they began to use similar gestures. In this period strangers clearly pick up on us being an ordinary family. My sons have blond hair and blue eyes, I look German. Several times in Germany, we had locals start to talk to us in German, we were obviously a good German family. The structure that they have rebelled against, starts to be their structure, change is not OK. They begin to question why friends' parents allow certain things, don’t they care? Their brothers are their brothers, so it is OK to freely comment on the sibs shortcomings, dicey, but normal. Adoption is not frequently talked about, its old stuff. The home becomes their home, friends are encouraged to come over, they are much less likely to go to the friend's home. Being around home seems very important, as though finally they have a home and now they going to make up for what they didn't have earlier. 

Adulthood: All problems have been solved--not. This is real life. The one who has FAS (fetal alcohol syndrome) still makes bad decisions. The ones with RAD (reactive attachment disorder) have attached, but issues still lie ahead. The one who would never flush the toilet, still doesn't. Money management is not something that all of them acquired, one still thinks that he is golden if there are checks left in the checkbook. They are very different from the kids who first came home, I am different too. We are a family, and that is what this was all about.