A reader found Adoption Under One Roof by searching for the answer to “how to grieve infertility.” I ran that search myself on our site and was surprised to see that I had not written about this topic very often here. I used to write a blog on infertility, and I covered this topic frequently over there. I guess it is time to catch up here!

Many (but certainly not all) couples come to adoption after infertility. Hub and I were one of those couples. We really did not care how we became parents: we just wanted a child to love. I truly believed that adopting my child would “cure” my infertility grief. That turned out not to be the case, and I was quite taken aback by this.

I came to realize that adoption does not “cure” infertility. I am still just as infertile today as I was when I first started trying to conceive a child. Adopting a child did not change this fact about me. So, even with a beloved adopted child in my arms, I still needed to grieve my infertility.

Grieving infertility is just like grieving any other loss. As long as you deny that you have experienced a loss, you will merely postpone the grieving process. You will find yourself crying when your friends tell you that they are expecting another child and not understand why. The grief of infertility will not just go away on its own.

Instead, in order to grieve infertility, you must face the loss head on. You must face and accept the reality that you will never feel a baby growing inside of your body. You will never know morning sickness or have a labor and delivery story to share. You will never experience all of the little things that are covered so eloquently in the story A Mom Wannabe by Alison Kathleen Whitney. These are all very real losses that you need to grieve.

Grieving any loss is about adjusting to a new reality. You lived most of your life with the expectation of growing a baby in your body, and you dreamed of what a baby with daddy’s eyes and mommy’s nose would look like. You must cry all of the tears that you need to cry to say goodbye to that expectation and, instead, embrace the reality of your life that includes the loss of infertility. After you allow yourself to feel whatever it is you need to feel – anger, sadness, despair – you will reach a place of making peace with a new reality.

I used to read A Mom Wannabe and bawl my eyes out. Today, reading that story makes me wistful. The sadness of the losses I experienced through infertility will always be a part of me, but they no longer define a part of who I am. I have made peace with my life – with a life that did not involve bearing a child.

There are no shortcuts to grief. You will have to allow yourself to feel really lousy for a while. After you do, you will find yourself feeling much, much better. As you accept the loss of infertility as part of your life, you will find that you can still live a very fulfilling life even as an infertile person.

Related topics:

• Infertility Pain after Adoption
• Coming to Adoption after Infertility

Photo credit: Lynda Bernhardt