Coming to Terms With Adopted Child’s Special Needs
Many adopted children have special needs. When a person chooses to adopt a child out of foster care or an orphanage, some of those special needs are identified, and others can be anticipated. However, when hopeful adoptive parents adopt a child as an infant, finding out that the adopted child has special needs can blindside them.
The unfortunate reality is that most children who are available for adoption did not receive the same kind of prenatal care that most adoptive parents would have provided if they had been pregnant with the adopted child. This is not a slam on birth mothers – this is simply a reality that is backed up by statistics. For example, I had one social worker tell me that most babies available for adoption through that agency had been exposed to some level of prenatal alcohol. I hear stories like the one that Califdads shared here all too often.
While doing everything “right” during pregnancy does not guarantee a clean bill of health, it certainly raises the odds. For example, babies who were never exposed to prenatal alcohol are not going to develop fetal alcohol syndrome (FAS). For better or for worse, adopting a child increases the odds of parenting a special needs child.
Those of us who adopted healthy infants can become blindsided when our healthy babies develop special needs. In my case, the first special need was asthma. The next diagnosis was attention-deficit hyperactivity disorder (ADHD). Now I am facing a possible third label, and my adopted child is only seven years old.
It is hard to face parenting an adopted child with special needs, especially when you go into an adoption without the expectation of the child having special needs. Unlike in situations where a hopeful adoptive parent is choosing to adopt a child with special needs, there is no training or preparation offered ahead of time. The adoptive parent must rise to the occasion and do what is best for his adopted child.
I love my son with all of my heart, and if I could do it all over again, I would still choose to be his mother. I just wish I could have been prepared for all of the special needs that have arisen instead of being rocked every few years by a new diagnosis. I am glad that I have developed online friendships with others who are parenting adopted children with special needs so I have a support system in place.
Related Topic:
Assessing Adoption Health Risks
Photo credit: Lynda Bernhardt
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Tags: ADHD, adopted child with special needs, Asthma, dealing with special needs, domestic infant adoption, FAS, Infant adoption, Special needs
I attended a foster care training years ago where we were given permission to grieve the lost perfect child. You know, the child in your fantasies when you dreamed of adopting your first or only child? The perfect baby that you brought home from the hospital, who isn't. Truly you do have the right to grieve the loss, so that you can move on and embrace special needs child. It is part of the healing process. On a side note, with my first pregnancy I refused to take even an aspirin. I have three birh sons each has ADHD, one has dyslexia, and one has asthma.
It is funny... I didn't have a fantasy about "my child". I had some hopes. I wanted a female child who was 3 years or older. As part of my adoption education I did Assess Health Risks that uncovered my feelings toward different issues... The main issue that I wanted to avoid was mental retardation.
As a child I lived across the street from a family who had children with CP and Downs. We grew up together. Both of the children grew into adults who couldn't live independently. I was a sickly kiddo with severe allergies and asthma. My best friend's mom was deaf. So "special needs" were part of my daily life. I felt comfortable with many issues.
I have never needed to grieve over a fantasy child. But I did need to take time with each of Natasha's diagnoses. I grieved over what this meant for Natasha's future.
AngelaW
The ones that you love the most are usually the ones that hurt you the most. - Unknown
My darling daughter, Natasha, came home with all sorts of issues. The three obvious items were crossed eyes, developmental delay and PTSD. And I adopted her from a specialized Ukrainian orphanage. Specialized orphanages in Eastern Europe are for the disabled and Natasha was there because of her crossed eyes. Here it takes 45 minute out patient surgery. In Ukraine... her eyes would never have been fixed.
In many ways Natasha was still my surprise special needs child. I thought that she needed surgery and some therapy...She was normal and happy.
Some people would say that I was in denial. But I just saw a normal kid who needed time and care.
But once she started school it became very clear that she wasn't meeting expectations. Long story made short...
Natasha was diagnosed with ADHD when she was 7.5 years old. She was tested and diagnosed with a learning disability at 7.5 years old. She was tested and diagnosed with a working memory defect at 7.5 years of age.
And still it was clear that this wasn't everything. I had her tested for Asperger's. She didn't have it.
So then I finally paid for neurophys testing. Insurance didn't cover all the costs. It was worth every penny. It gave me very helpful information that I used in IEP negotiations. Natasha has requested that I not share this information. She is fine with me sharing information about the other diagnoses "because it might help someone".
Natasha is 11 years old now and in 5th grade and doing GREAT.
AngelaW
The ones that you love the most are usually the ones that hurt you the most. - Unknown