Michael and his husband reside in California with their 18-month old adopted son. They hope to adopt another child soon. Michael contributes pertinent information on adoption issues on several websites and groups.

When our friends offer parenting tips or advice I try to be gracious. I usually respond with questions to clarify the details, and then respond with “How did that work?” or just nod and say “Oh, okay.” However, when a family member offers advice, the situation can turn tense quickly. I am sure you have heard one form or another of “I raised two kids and…” “Well, my kids are fine…” from family members who purported themselves to be parenting experts. Frankly, no one is a parenting expert; we all make mistakes. Let’s face it; children do not come with operation manuals, which I might add is a good thing. When it comes to parenting, not all kids are the same despite what our parents might think. What might be good for one child, could spell catastrophe for another.

As much as I like the idea that my family has embraced our son as if he were born of my flesh, he was not. There are things we do not know about his biological family’s medical history. Nevertheless, I find myself in a constant battle with my stepmom and grandmother trying to defend our parenting style and our pediatrician’s advice, guidance and recommendations. (Incidentally, my stepmom and grandmother have labeled our pediatrician the “witch doctor.”) If I ever mention my mom’s advice, the s#*t hits the fan!

For those of us with families like this, I ask a simple question. Where do we draw the line? I recommend being tactfully direct. Unfortunately, I failed to heed my own advice last Sunday. After one too many criticisms, I told my grandmother to mind her own business…but I digress. Consider this; Susan Adcox’s recommends the following tips.¹

1. Don’t let family ties be an excuse for rudeness
2. Think before you talk – this is a good one, especially for my stepmom, but it applies to us, too!
3. Build a foundation of good feelings.
4. Don’t make statements about how you raised your children
5. Remember that this, too, will pass.
6. Love your adult child as well as your grandchild.
7. Have faith that your child will do a good job.

Remember this is your child. You must be proactive. I suggest you discuss Susan’s tips with your family. After last Sunday, I suspect our holiday dinner will be quite interesting this year.

1. Adcox, Susan. Hints for Communicating With Adult Children About Your Grandchildren. Retrieved December 12, 2008, from

Photo Credit: Jennifer Fuller