My sister recently graduated from college. She invited both my mother/abuser and me to the ceremony. There was no way that I was missing out in this momentous occasion for my sister, and I did not want to put her in a position of having to choose which of us to invite. So, after six years of separation from my mother/abuser (by my choice), I saw her again.

If you are parenting an adopted child who was removed from an abusive environment, your child might find himself in the same position one day. This is doubly likely if your adopted child has maintained any sort of relationship with any birth family members, such as siblings who were placed into a different adoptive home or continue to live in the foster care system.

Seeing my mother/abuser was very hard, even after years of therapy and safety since I last saw her.

When I first saw her walking through the auditorium (I was already seated in the middle of a crowd and next to a friend, whom I brought along to serve as a “buffer”), I seriously feared I was going to throw up. The only thing that prevented this was the fear of knowing that vomiting on the people seated around me or running to the bathroom would (obviously) draw attention to me, and she would then know where I was.

I was able to focus on my sister’s big day once the commencement ceremony began. However, I had to see (and briefly talk with) my mother after the ceremony. We also all went out to dinner together (including my friend, my mother’s friend, and a bunch of my sister’s friends). I probably said all of 10 sentences to my mother and tried to keep the focus on my sister, saying things like, “It was really nice of you to come to the ceremony. I know that it means a lot to sis.”

At the end of the dinner, my mother/abuser asked for a hug. I don’t like hugs, anyhow, and I was very stiff as I held myself together for it. She then asked if I would pose in a picture with her and my sister. Throughout this time (which lasted all of a minute), I thought I was going to throw up again and even scoped out a plant in the lobby to be the recipient, if needed.

All in all, my mother did not impose that much (other than the hug), and I had very little contact with her over the one hour that we were together. However, the experience was extremely emotionally taxing on me. I got very drunk that night (in fairness to me, it was at a graduation party!), and I have felt out-of-sorts ever since. My mother also sent me a mushy “the love of a mother and daughter is forever” card, which was waiting for me upon my return home. (I am really getting tired of feeling like throwing up!)

Those who believe that a connection with your mother, no matter how abusive she is, trumps the abuse are full of $@#%. There was not one ounce of me that was happy about seeing her again. It was nothing but painful and awkward. I would not have put myself through it for anything less than a huge moment in my sister’s life.

If you are parenting a traumatized child, you can expect a similar, and likely even stronger, reaction to seeing the abuser again after many years. I have been through years of therapy and am, all things considered, fairly emotionally healthy. Many child abuse survivors would not have had the courage to attend the graduation at all.

Photo credit: JulieC