Dear Adoption Maharishi,   

Recently my 10 year old adopted daughter has been saying “You’re not my real mother” when she is angry at me. I find this very hurtful and so far I’ve not addressed it with her. What should I say to her when she says that?

Signed, Sad Adoptive Mother

Dear Sad Adoptive Mother,

As cruel a remark as this is, it is best not to take it personally. Tweens and teens and younger children for that matter, are very talented at “pressing their parent’s buttons,” and know only too well that a remark like “You’re not my real mother,” gets an adopted parent’s attention very quickly, at least the first couple times they say it.

Additionally, when children are working through adoption issues, they may test and retest their parents’ committment to them. Will you stick by them no matter what or will you leave too? Remember, trust is a huge issue with many adoptees.

Probably a good response to this remark is a calm, quiet, “Of course I’m your real mother and always will be,” and move on. If your child keeps using this remark, tell them it is hurtful and not acceptable and they are not allowed to say it anymore. Then give them examples of words they can use if they are angry with you.

 But wait, you don’t get off the hook so quickly: Now you need to get to the bottom of what is bothering your child.

Ask yourself if you have been open and honest about your child’s adoption or have you been keeping secrets. Do you make it uncomfortable for your child to bring up the subject of their adoption? Find out if your child I his being teased at school by other children who may very well be saying “Your mother is NOT your real mother.”

I hope this has been helpful,

Adoption Maharishi

Who are we? This blog is written by multiple people and expresses our opinions and thoughts about a specific situation. We include adoptive and birth family members. Our sense of humor led us to select this user name. Dear Adoption Maharishi can be abbreviated as DAM. We are being a little punny. Dam can be defined as a female parent and we are all female. Do you have a question for the Adoption Maharishi? Please email your question to advice@ouradopt.com.

Image Credit: Julie C.