Hopefully you have read my previous two blogs on preparing for a birthmother* search and are now ready for the next step in this process: writing a letter and choosing photos to send with the searcher to the birthmother. In my opinion this is a very enjoyable part of the birthmother search process, but also one that requires carefully consideration and tact.

I want you to consider this: this may very well be the only communication there will ever be between you and the birthmother; some birthmothers will not want continued contact. You cannot take your words back so here are some points to consider when you are writing this letter:

1. Write from the heart, not the head.

2. Keep the language simple if it is going to be translated into another language otherwise much of what you say will be lost in translation.

3. Be culturally sensitive – no need to mention, for example,  that you live in a fancy house, have a private yacht, several vehicles, etc., but simultaneously reassure the birthmother that your child has all that they need to thrive.

4. Assume nothing: talk about why you are writing this letter but don’t assume that the birthmother is either happy nor sad about the adoption or having future contact with you or her child. Each adoption story is unique; each situation different.

5. If your child was not adopted at birth but was in a foster home or an orphanage until the adoption was complete, tell the birthmother as much as you can about that interim period.

6. Give details about your adopted child that a birthmother would want to hear: health, size, extracurricular activities, school and family activities.

7. Stress that your child is a loved member of your family and NOT a second class family member; remember that in places such as Guatemala, some people still believe that children are adopted for their organs.

8. Be clear about what kind of future contact you want with the birthmother if that is what you want. If you have not made up your mind, and I recommend waiting until you hear from the birthmother before you make such decisions, better to say nothing.

9. Don’t make promises such as “I’ll pay you such and such money” or "you can visit whenever you want" until the birthmother’s situation is clear.

When it comes to choosing photos, I would recommend photos starting from when your child was first adopted up until today. In the case of Guatemala, referral photos are an excellent start as well as the photo of the birthmother and your child taken when the DNA test was done. This reassures Guatemalan birthmothers that the child you are discussing is indeed the child they placed for adoption.

Other ideas for photos: 1. With the family 2. Doing activities (dance, sports, etc.) 3. In the home and outside the home.

In conclusion, keep your birthmother letter friendly, open and informative and you will probably have a better chance of continued contact with the birthmother if this is what you and/or your adopted child want.

*for purposes of simplification I will use the word “birthmother” throughout this blog; of course you could be searching for either birthmother or birthfather or both.

If you are interested in doing a search in Guatemala and would like information about the searcher that facilitated the search for my adopted daughter’s birthmother, please send an email to lisas@ouradopt.com

Disclaimer: It goes without saying that neither “Adoption Under One Roof” nor myself are legally or financially responsible for the outcome of your birthmother search or your experience with the searcher.

Image Credit: Lisa S