On Monday, I shared that my adopted child’s birth mother passed away three years ago. Hub and I did not learn this information until last year. Both of us were devastated by the news. I had been compiling packages with pictures and artwork and also writing letters to my son’s birth mother since his birth, and I had grown to love her through this. Learning of her passing felt like losing a member of the family (which is exactly what it was).

Hub and I could not agree on whether or when to tell our adopted child about his birth mother’s passing. There was really no urgency since she had been gone for almost two years at the time we learned about it. However, I believed that our adopted child had a right to know. Also, I did not want to continue fostering his love for this woman and desire to meet her one day, only to drop the bomb in adulthood that she was dead.

I made an appointment with my therapist for advice. He said to wait until my son is ready to hear the news, and that won’t be at any particular age. Instead, let the topic come up naturally in conversation, such as when he asks about when he can see her. Soon after this appointment, my mother-in-law passed away suddenly, so our focus shifted to dealing with that huge issue in our lives. None of us was having conversations about adoption during this dark time.

My son would ask questions about his birth parents from time to time, but they were always basic questions that had nothing to do with seeing them again. Then, the time came a couple of weeks ago when my son asked me outright when he can see his birth parents.

I told him that his birth father works near where one of our relatives lives (in another state) and that, when he is an adult, we can go meet him if he would like. My son then asked, “And what about my birth mother (T)?” This was my invitation to tell him the truth. I said, “Baby, I am so sorry, but T passed away a few years ago, when you were in kindergarten, and she is in heaven now.” He was surprised by the news but more curious than upset. He then said he didn’t want to talk about it anymore, which is the way he dealt with his grandmother’s passing as well.

On Monday, I will share more about my son’s reaction to the news that his birth mother has passed away.

Related Topic:

Dear Adoption Maharishi: Should I tell my Child his Birthmother Just Passed Away?

Photo credit: Lynda Bernhardt