It is common for traumatized foster and adopted children to struggle with suicidal urges from time to time. During puberty, these urges can become even stronger. While this can be quite disturbing to you as the foster or adoptive parent, rest assured that these feelings are normal and experienced by most survivors of child abuse.

When your foster or adopted child says that he wants to die, take him seriously because he very likely means it. However, what he is really trying to say is that he is in so much pain that he is willing to do anything, even die, to make the pain stop. This is very different than having a desire to die. Dying is merely a means to an end … the end of the pain.

Your traumatized foster or adopted child has experienced pain so deep that, unless you were traumatized yourself, you cannot possibly imagine the depths of the pain. Wanting to make the pain end is a rational reaction to such deep pain.

So, what can you say to a suicidal child? Most importantly, tell your child how much you love her. She needs to know that somebody cares about her and would miss her if she were gone. Tell her repeatedly that all feelings end, even the deep darkness that she is feeling right now. She probably will not believe you when you tell her this, but keep telling her, anyhow.

Ask your child what he is feeling. Your child did not just wake up one day and decide that he wants to die. He has been feeling very deep pain for a while. Encourage him to talk about his pain, whether with you, his therapist, or a trusted friend. The more your child talks about how he is feeling, the better able he will be to manage the pain.

Work with your foster or adopted child’s therapist and let him know that the child has been talking about suicide. Ask for advice that is specific to your child.

Finally, remind your child about the perks of being alive. Your child does not want to be in her body right now because it is such a painful place to be, so inject some fun into her life. Take your child to a ballgame, to the mall, to see a funny movie, or do something else with your child that he or she enjoys. This will help your child see that there is light at the end of the tunnel and that there are reasons to choose to continue living.

Photo credit: JulieC