One unfortunate reality of child abuse and other forms of trauma is that it follows you throughout the rest of your life. Yes, an abused foster or adopted child can work through therapy and live a much more fulfilling life than he or she would have lived otherwise, but the past is never fully just “the past” never to be heard from again.

I faced this reality just yesterday. My son’s attention-deficit hyperactivity disorder (ADHD) doctor dropped off the face of the earth, forcing us to have to find another doctor. Because of the medications he is taking, his primary care physician did not feel comfortable treating his ADHD, so we found another child psychiatrist through a referral. I like her and believe she will do a good job.

Of course, the first meeting about getting to know my son, and the dynamic of his family is an important part of this. I cannot explain the dynamic of my marriage without explaining the dynamic of the changes from before to after therapy.

In the course of this discussion, the doctor asked if I thought the dynamic of our family impacts my son, and that caused me to cry. I have done (and continue to do) all I can to shield my son from the realities of my abusive past, but the truth is that he is affected to a certain degree. For example, he does not understand why I will not let him see my mother/abuser. I have tried to explain that she is not safe around children, but all he sees is that he is not allowed to see a grandmother who might give him presents and “be fun.”

My son is also being parented by a woman with post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD). I have worked very hard to overcome my symptoms, and I have done my very best to shield him from them. Nevertheless, I do react “oddly” to things that don’t bother most people, such as flickering lights or the sight of Russian nesting dolls.

These are the same types of challenges that your traumatized foster or adopted children will face as they move into adulthood. There will always be residue from the trauma that they will need to handle, and some of that residue will, unfortunately, affect their children to a certain extent.

Anyone who knows me would tell you that I am a great mom, and the child psychiatrist yesterday affirmed this as well. However, it is a challenge to be traumatized, have to deal with aftereffects, and then, even after therapy, know that you are unable to shield your child 100% from the aftereffects.

I don’t mean to be a complete downer because I also have many positive parenting skills that arose out of my own experiences. I know my child better than anyone on the planet, and I either know how to meet his needs or work tirelessly to find someone who does. However, it is disheartening to recognize that the aftereffects of my abusive childhood will never go away 100%, and I am not the only one who is affected by them.

Photo credit: JulieC