If you are parenting a foster or adopted child who was abused, you will likely have to deal with your child’s struggles with suicidal urges. Of course, this is not true of every single abused child, but the vast majority of child abuse survivors do at least consider suicide at some point in their lives, so you need to think about the issue of suicide if you are parenting an abused child.

In my opinion, society has given suicidal urges a bad rap. No, I am not proposing that we all go out and celebrate suicide, nor do I think suicide should be encouraged. What I am saying is that most abused children do struggle with suicidal urges – enough that I would say that considering suicide is a “normal” aftereffect of child abuse. Therefore, to tell an abused child that he is “sinning” and “wrong” to think about suicide is to heap additional guilt on someone who is already hurting very deeply. That very guilt could be what puts some traumatized children over the edge, causing the suicidal urges to move from thoughts into deeds.

An abused child cannot control what he is feeling: he can only control his actions. Rather than tell a hurting child that it is a “sin” to consider suicide, a more helpful approach is to get to the bottom of what is causing the child so much pain that he would rather die than continue dealing with that pain. Suicidal urges (and even suicide attempts) are symptoms, not the problem. The problem is the trauma from the abuse or neglect that the child experienced. Until those emotional wounds are healed, suicidal urges can be quite common.

I, personally, do not judge people who attempt or commit suicide. I have heard people say that those who commit suicide are burning in hell because their last act on this earth was “murder.” I disagree. Only God knows the depth of the pain that drives a person to suicide, and I do not believe that God would punish someone who was hurting that deeply. Hasn’t the person suffered enough?

I have also heard people say that committing suicide is selfish. Unless you have experienced the deep pain that can drive a person to suicide, you have no business judging anyone’s level of “selfishness.” In fact, it might have been that person’s selflessness that kept him going as long as he did.

Again, I am in no way encouraging people to act on their suicidal urges. I just want to help foster and adoptive parents better understand the feelings experienced by their hurting children. If you can understand the pain behind the thoughts (and actions), you will be in a much better place to comfort your child through the pain. Your child needs your compassion, not judgment.

Photo credit: JulieC