Linny and her husband have adopted several times: Internationally, through the foster/adopt system, and transracially through domestic adoption. Five of these adoptions were infants; three were "older child" adoptions. They have known the joys and disappointments of adoption having placed one child into residential care, dissolving the adoption of another child, and having one child re-adopted. Linny and her husband have adopted one more time.......bringing a total of four at home....ages 8yrs to 1yr. Dissolution of an adoption…Linny …copyright 2010

The nausea in your stomach and emotional pain that continues to live in your soul each and every day you’ve considered this position has not gone away.

Adoption is forever"…or so you’ve been told and believed from the start.You’ve had other children who were adopted and living with them has been alright….so you figure---somehow---you’ve been a decent parent. You’ve tried everything in therapies, counseling, disciplines. Nothing has worked successfully for your child.

You promised to love and care for this child from the start. But now, the problem is much bigger than ‘be patient, stay steadfast and love will conquer all’….much bigger. The child’s now a danger---physically and/or sexually, and/or emotionally----to your other children. Whose rights do you now consider?

In the world of adoption, you‘re committing the ultimate sin. Just the thought that you could separate yourself from your child through dissolution is enough to make the best counselor turn red from anger.

But of course, most counselors have never had a sexual offender nor a child who’s capable of killing animals and children in their home.

Books on adoption don’t want to include this aspect of adoption, though it happens more often than you think. Society doesn’t want to even consider it, because it means that some children are head towards committing horrific crimes and lack a conscience. That doesn’t sit well with those who write "‘Fun Facts about Little Johnny" in the waiting children section of the DCF, nor make for good advertisement in the "Home For the Holidays" specials on TV. Much of this‘head in the sand thinking comes from those who have no idea what it’s like to ‘live the walk’. This isn’t a case that calls for simple solutions, some counseling with the family, and everyone walks away thinking, "Gee, the sun will come out tomorrow." Far from it.

You might consider discussing this with your adoption agency or local DCF. They’ll usually suggest it’s not their problem. “After all, you knew he had some problems when you adopted him, right?” They may also suggest you install video cameras and monitors into your home to keep watch that he’ll not sexually violate or try to kill your other children. This may be their version of a ‘safety plan’ within your home.

Of course, if this child chooses to cause additional problems within your home or in the neighborhood, you may be charged with "failure to protect," so there’s definitely a catch-22 here. If not already implemented, adoption preservation counseling may be prescribed, but for most people who’ve come to the point of considering dissolution, adoption preservation has already been tried some time ago---and failed.

Our family found itself in this position many years ago. It was a horrible time for everyone. It was not taken lightly or easily. The cost was not only financial, but emotional as well. I’m not sure there were any winners here….but the route we took was truly the only one we could take.

So, what do you do should you find your family considering dissolving an adoption?

To Be Continued tomorrow…

Image Credit:flickr