Recently I shared that I completed a successful birthmother search for my adopted daughter. Since posting that blog I’ve received questions regarding how to do the search and which searcher to use.

Regardless of which country you are searching in to find your child’s birthmother* take the time to ask yourself a few questions before you begin a birthmother search. By doing this you will perhaps prevent heartbreak and stress up the road.

1. Why are you doing the search? Has your child asked you to search for her birthmother or have you taken the initiative? Are you just curious or is this a serious enterprise?

2. Are you going to tell your child about the search only if it is successful of if it is a failure as well?

3. What knowledge do you want to gain from this search? Personal information? Medical information? Continued contact? 

4. Finding a birthmother will be emotionally and possibly physically traumatic for the birthmother, particularly if the adoption was intentionally closed. As the person who has initiated the search, you are setting off a chain of events that cannot be reversed. Can you handle the responsibilities that will accompany this birthmother search?

5. Searches in some countries, like Guatemala for example, can be dangerous for the searcher. Are you ready for the responsibility of paying someone to do something dangerous?

6. If you are taking the initiative, how does your child feel about it? Is she old enough to understand what you are doing? Have you talked to her about her adoption? Will you share any of the knowledge from the birthmother search with your adopted daughter? Your adopted child may very well have half-siblings. Keeping secrets is neither a healthy nor wise choice, but some knowledge may not be age appropriate for your child.

7. Are you prepared for varying responses from the birthmother if the search is successful? Birthmother responses can vary considerably: relief, anger, frustration, sadness, resentment, unwillingness to share anything or willingness to share everything. Some may want to open the adoption and see the child they placed for adoption on a regular basis. Some may claim that they were forced into placing their child for adoption . Are you ready for this?

8. Will you be willing to “help” the birthmother if she has financial difficulties? This is particularly relevant if you have adopted from a third world country. How much will you be willing or capable of giving?

9. How much information about your family, including contact details, are you willing to share with the birthmother if the birthmother search is successful? Do you want to keep your contact information private and use the searcher as the contact person, or do you want to have direct contact with the birthmother? If the birthmother does not want you to have direct contact, you will probably have to continue paying the searcher for being the go between.

10. You will spend a considerable amount of money (especially in a third world country) to do this birthmother search and the search may not be successful or the birthmother may, tragically, be dead. Prepare yourself and consider what and when you are going to tell your child.

11. Are you prepared to send photos of your child, write a letter for the birthmother,  and copy, fax, mail or email copies of confidential documents to a stranger?

Nothing prepared me for my intense emotional response to finding my daughter’s birthmother. I knew I had to get my emotions under control before I told my daughter. Your life and your adopted child’s life will never be the same after you find the birthmother. Take the time to prepare yourself, your child, and your family.

*for purposes of simplification I will use the word “birthmother” throughout this blog;  of course you could be searching for either birthmother or birthfather or both.

If you are interested in doing a search in Guatemala and would like information about the searcher that facilitated the search for my adopted daughter’s birthmother, please send an email to lisas@ouradopt.com 

 Disclaimer: It goes without saying that neither Adoption Under One Roof nor I are legally or financially responsible for the outcome of your birthparent search in Guatemala or your experience with the searcher.

Image Credit: wikipedia