In one of Faith’s recent blogs, she reported that her son had said “I don’t want to talk about it anymore,” when he no longer wanted to continue the conversation about the sad passing of his birthmother. This is a standard response from an adopted child of his age and parents would be wise not to push their child even one iota beyond what their child can handle. Faith’s son is in grade school.

Younger children, such as my daughter who is 4 years old, may simply say, “I’m done,” or just jump off your lap and walk away when they want the conversation about birth parents to end. I recently received updated information about my daughter’s birthmother that I shared with Ella.. I knew the instant the conversation was over.

 That’s enough,” she said, and bounced off my lap.

When Faith mentioned that her son was more curious than upset by the news about his birthmother I was also not surprised. For children who do not have an open adoption and ongoing contact with their birthmother or birthparents, their birthparents are almost imaginary. Children in early grade school and younger live in the present and the tangible. Birthparents they have never seen are a long way from their physical and mental reality. So when something happens to a birthparent they have never met it is a continuation of their own personal “adoption story.” When the story gets boring, uncomfortable for reasons they aren’t even able to articulate, or the child has “got it,” adoptive parents need to step back and leave well enough alone.

When children are mentally and emotionally ready to handle new information and updates about birth families and there is an open and healthy dialogue between adoptive parents and their children about the adoption, they will ask for information. The operative words here being “open and healthy dialogue.”

Adoptive parents do well to respect and protect the boundaries our young children put in place to protect their psyches. Make a serious attempt to avoid forcing your child to sit down and listen to what you have to say about their adoption solely because the time is right for you, or you think that it is time for the "talk" or they haven't responded in a manner you thought fitting.  Trust me, in a healthy home atmosphere your adopted child will return and ask questions when they are good and ready.

Tweens and adolescents are a whole different can of worms - but we'll talk about that another day in another  blog.

Image Credit: Lisa S.