“Discipline: The practice or methods of teaching and enforcing acceptable patterns of behavior,” from Encarta Dictionary: English. Notice the contrast between punishment and discipline. Punishment is a penalty for wrongdoing, whereas discipline is to teach proper behavior. Be assured that a new foster child will arrive with plenty of unacceptable behaviors. So many, that you would be constantly criticizing if you chose to address all of them at once. That is why you start with trying to change one or two of the most unacceptable behaviors. How can a foster parent discipline a foster child to cause the change?

I briefly mentioned that discipline is not very effective with a new foster child in an earlier post about corporal punishment. The child doesn’t know you nor does the child know what to expect from you. If the child is new to foster care, you should avoid trying to discipline the child for a while. Give the child time to feel safe and time to learn about your expectations and consequences. If a behavior is not acceptable, first redirect the child to something that is acceptable. When the child is engaged in acceptable play, praise the child for doing so well.

If the child is a tween or teen you can mention why the other behavior was not acceptable, but don’t dwell on it. Allow the new foster child to make choices in the home. I usually ask a new child what her favorite food is. Then I prepare it for dinner or ask her to help me prepare it. If the room has two beds, let her choose her new bed. Simple choices help to empower the child who feels completely powerless. After several weeks, when the child has settled in and begun to develop a relationship, you can begin to discipline.

Linny mentioned standing a child in the corner in a comment on the blog about corporal punishment. She is correct that this works with some children but not with others. I always set the kitchen timer for time outs, one minute for each year old. Therefore, a 10 year old would get 10 minutes. I have also taken away a bedtime treat but never a meal, licensing doesn’t allow that. I have removed privileges for the telephone, computer, TV, video games, and driving.

My favorite technique is extra chores, especially when they fit the problem. For example, a child who leaves messes all over the house would need to pick up and vacuum. A child who leaves toys all over the yard can pick up the yard and mow it. A child who rubs BM on the walls can wash the walls. A child who tracks manure through the house can shampoo and mop. I don’t get angry because I don’t have to clean it up. It usually helps to modify the behaviors. Whatever you decide to do, be consistent so the foster child always knows what to expect.

Photo Credit Aaron Escobar., Flickr.