Transracial Adoption: "She Must Look Like her Dad"
My Guatemalan born daughter and I were observing fish and other underwater creatures in an aquatic center a few days ago, when a man approached us. He smiled and said, “She must look like her father because she sure doesn’t look like you.” I smiled back and said, “she probably does.” I felt no need to divulge any more information to a total stranger.
This stranger’s remark didn’t bother me; he spoke in a friendly manner with no malicious intent,and it was certainly preferable to being asked if she was my granddaughter, not an unusual occurrence when you are fifty-four years old. But later I began to think of how Ella would respond to remarks like this. After all, she is not part of the white majority that does not suffer from racial discrimination in this country.
Comments and stares are not unusual when you are a multiracial family. Although it is rude, some strangers stare at us out of curiosity, and perhaps others do it out of disapproval. For the most part my experience has been with people making a point to tell me how beautiful my daughter is. I know we have been fortunate.
We cannot control what other people say, but we can control how we respond to what they say. To date, I have assumed that most people mean well until they prove otherwise. I’m not looking for discrimination and racism, however if it rears its ugly head, I will confront it head on. With Ella being a mere toddler, this is what is working for us right now.
Image Credit: flickr
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I've answered in many ways
In the 3.5 months since I brought my daughter home, I am surprised at how many different ways I have answered this same question. From "You are right!" to "She looks like herself" and some answers in between. But, I have gotten many more comments from others saying she looks a lot like me which just proves that people see what they want to see. So far, my experiences have been extremely positive. I think because I live in an area where my daughter looks so much like so many others in my community and state, we are blending in. That is fine by me.
We live in an area that is
We live in an area that is very racially diverse and also contains a large number of Hispanic people, so I do think that people often assume that DS looks like my DH if DH isn't with us. I've had some people make ignorant comments (the worst was "Why, what mother wouldn't want to keep a cutie like you?" after I had replied only that DS was adopted in response to a rather pointed question), but most people honestly seem to want to compliment rather than insult. Even in the case of the above comment, I simply said, emphatically, that international adoption is almost NEVER about "not wanting" and almost always about the disproportionate distibution of wealth and resources in this "advanced" world of ours. (Up on the soapbox again!). That person left the conversation saying "Thanks. I hadn't thought of it that way". Maybe they were sincere and changed their thinking some and maybe they didn't, but at least there wasn't an ugly scene for DS to remember.......
As he gets older, I'll go with his lead and either ignore, educate or defend, depending on what he feels most comfortable with.
Good reply soblessed. Lisa
Good reply soblessed.
Lisa