Dear Adoption Maharishi,

My friends planned on adopting a newborn baby. They met the expecting mother and worked out all of the arrangements for an open adoption. After the baby was born, the mother decided to parent the baby. My friends are devastated. What should I say to my friends? How do you offer support when an adoption falls through?

~ Loss for words

Dear Loss,

I can only imagine how badly your friends are hurting right now. Even though they knew in their heads that the expecting mother might choose to parent, their hearts were already attached to the baby. The weight of the loss is very heavy.

To try to understand how your friends are feeling, think about how you might feel if you (or your spouse) gave birth to a stillborn baby. The emotions in a failed adoption are similar. Just like anyone expecting a baby, the couple has probably already decorated the nursery, purchased the baby’s first outfit, and installed a car seat. All of the warnings that they were told verbally and all of the paperwork they signed simply could not prepare the couple for the devastation of the loss, even when they knew that the adoption might not happen.

In addition, the couple might have grown to love the mother. You said that your friends were planning on an open adoption, so they might have felt a bond with the mother that is now broken as well. In an instant, they lost two bonds that they thought (hoped) they would have in their lives forever. The couples I know that have been through failed adoptions sank into depression and had a hard time working up the courage to try for another match.

There are no magic words that are going to take away your friends’ pain. However, it will help to know that they have friends and family who are there to help them grieve the loss. Avoid platitudes, such as, “I guess it wasn’t meant to be,” because those don’t help. Instead, tell them that you are so sorry for their loss and that the whole thing just plain stinks. Let them know that you are available to offer a shoulder to cry on. Also, sometimes a hug says more than a thousand words could ever accomplish.

The other thing your friends need from you is validation for what they are feeling. Whether or not they should have gotten attached to this baby, they did, and the loss of the baby they had planned to parent is a very real loss that needs to be grieved. Reassure them that it is okay (and necessary) to grieve. As I often tell my kid, the tears wash away the pain.

Who are we?

This blog is written by multiple people and expresses our opinions and thoughts about a specific situation. We include adoptive and birth family members.

Our sense of humor led us to select this user name. Dear Adoption Maharishi can be abbreviated as DAM. We are being a little punny. Dam can be defined as a female parent and we are all female.

Do you have a question for the Adoption Maharishi? Please email your question to advice@ouradopt.com. 

Photo credit: JulieC