A reader wants to know if adoptive children are cherished more than biological children. I don’t think there are any scientific studies on “cherishing” your child. I also believe that how a person defines “cherishing” a child can be pretty subjective. Nevertheless, I’ll give the topic a shot.

First, let’s define what cherishing a child means. Right after my son was born and I was waiting to meet him, a friend gave me the following parenting advice:

Everyone loves their children, but not everyone cherishes them. Always remember to cherish your child.

This was said by a mother of two biological children (with a third in heaven who she lost halfway through her pregnancy). So, adoptive parents certainly have not cornered the market on cherishing a child. My friend went on to say that your child is only young once, so enjoy your time with your child. Don’t get so caught up in the day-to-day “busy-ness” of life that you lose sight of the wonder of this amazing human being that you have been blessed to raise.

I have seen both biological and adoptive families who cherish their children. These are families that simply have a good time together. They enjoy each other’s company and want to do things together.

I have also seen the flip side in both biological and adoptive families. I have seen all sorts of family situations where, whether due to abuse, poverty, marital stress, grief, or other issues, the parents do not appear to take the time to cherish their children. I have seen biological children wandering the neighborhood looking for something to do because the parents won’t let the kids in the house until dark (even very young children). I have also known several adult adoptees that were sexually abused by their adoptive parents. Whether biological or adopted, these children definitely do not feel cherished.

Then, there is the issue of adopted children who come into the home with so much emotional baggage that the focus must be on breaking through their emotional barriers and keeping them safe. John has shared some of these stories in his guest blogs. Does John cherish his children? I would answer with a resounding, “YES!” However, because his children join his family emotionally damaged, his cherishing his children might be viewed from the outside as parental bullying.

Bottom line – There are some people who cherish their children and some who do not. A higher percentage of adoptive parents really wanted and planned to parent their children than biological parents, who include many parents that have risen to the occasion after adjusting to a “surprise” for nine months. Nevertheless, there are some “surprise” biological parents who greatly cherish their children and some adoptive parents who abuse theirs. I don’t think that adoption versus biology is the factor that defines who cherishes a child and who does not.

Photo credit: Lynda Bernhardt