I (unfortunately) had a flashback last night, so I thought I would write out what it felt like so foster and adoptive parents of traumatized children can have a better understanding of what their children are going through when they have one. I have been dealing with flashbacks for years, so I cycled through the process pretty quickly. What I am describing over a period of an hour used to take me days to cycle through.

I have been very sick with a sinus infection and bronchitis. I cannot sleep if I cannot breathe through my nose. It is very triggering for me to breathe through my mouth.

Out of sheer desperation, I set up my pillows so I was lying on my back and sitting almost straight up and down. I hoped this would clear my sinuses. Instead, it triggered a flashback.

***** trigger warning – This information is graphic ******

All of the sudden, I could feel my little six-year-old body. I was lying in the same position, but I was so little that my feet did not even reach halfway down the bed. I was lying in a sheer white nightgown, and a man came into the room. He pulled my legs apart and vaginally raped me for the very first time.

I “knew” this information already. I have had a couple of flashbacks of before and after and had connected the dots. I thought (hoped) I was older, though. The realization that I was only a six-year-old little girl was devastating.

I “felt” the rape happening. I could feel the vast difference in the size of a grown man hurting a little girl. I was also completed freaked out because (1) I did not understand what was happening; and (2) this was the first time that the pain was happening inside of my body. There was no escape – only endurance until the act was completed. Then, there was the blood all over my nightgown.

As soon as I “released” this memory, I started crying. They were the unshed tears of the six-year-old child who did not have the option of showing any emotion. At the time, I held it all inside. I showed no external reaction at all. I had to wait 36 years to shed the tears from that night.

I was overcome with panic and terror. I rocked myself for a while, just like you see little children do when they are overstimulated. I then called a friend who tried to talk me through it. I began shaking uncontrollably from my thighs, and I hyperventilated. This went on for a good ten minutes or so.

I kept telling myself (and my friend kept telling me) that I was safe. Nobody is ever going to hurt me like this again. I had to keep reminding myself that I am no longer that helpless little girl. I am in an adult body now. I also told myself that it was good for me to remember because now I can heal that pain.

After I calmed down, I made myself some comfort foods. I then turned on the computer to write this blog entry. Writing about the flashbacks helps me to process them. By the time you read this, this very vivid memory will exist in my head just like any other memory. However, as I write this only an hour after it happened, it feels like the event just happened to me.

Related Topics:

• Trauma Thursday: What Does a Flashback Feel Like?
• Abused Adopted Child and Emotional Flashbacks
• Trauma Tuesday: Traumatized Adopted Child and Triggers
• Traumatized Adopted Child, PTSD, and Triggers
• Trauma Thursday: Traumatized Adopted Child and Body Memories

Photo credit: JulieC