Most people are aware that some traumatized children compulsively lie, but did you know that some are compulsive truth-tellers? And here is the real kicker – they are compulsive liars, too – they are just much more sneaky about it. Because they compulsively tell the truth to their own detriment, most people assume that those traumatized children would never lie, but they do – and they don’t get caught.

You generally see the compulsive truth-telling with the overachieving traumatized child. The child will seem to get “diarrhea of the mouth” and reveal much more information than most other children would in the same situation, often sabotaging their own interests.

While an adoptive parent might view compulsive truth-telling as imprudent on the child’s part but making it easier to know that the child is trustworthy, what is really going on is self-sabotage. The traumatized child is “punishing” himself by sabotaging things that he wants because, at a subconscious level, he believes that he deserves to be punished for being such as “bad” kid. Ironically, the kids who do this tend to be some of the best-behaved children who are generally labeled as “good” by any adult that interacts with the child.

A compulsive truth-teller will also compulsively lie, but it is not easy to define when the line will be crossed from one to the other. The traumatized child does this on a case-by-case basis, and there is no thought process involved. The survival mode kicks in, and the child lies so smoothly that he could easily pass a lie detector test. The compulsive lying happens when the child feels threatened. Often, it is to avoid conflict, but there could be other triggers.

For example, let’s say your child knows that your household has two rules: Don’t wait to the last minute to do your homework, and don’t give your friends your lunch money. Your child violates both in the same week. She might come home with an A on a term paper. You tell your child how proud you are of the good job she did, and she immediately launches into how she waited until the last minute to write it and was up past bedtime finishing the paper while you were asleep. You never would have known this and it isn’t a big deal, but the kid rats herself out.

However, your child’s friend, who “borrows” money from her all the time to buy Dr. Pepper and a pack of M&Ms, asked for money again, and your child gave it to her because she wants her friend to like her. When you ask her if the friend asked for money again, your child will look you straight in the eye and say, “No” without missing a beat. You will not be able to tell that she is lying.

Why the distinction? It all boils down to the triggers. You are complimenting her hard work, and the child does not feel worthy of being praised, so she tells you why she does not deserve the praise. However, she doesn’t want to disappoint you that she doesn’t feel comfortable with setting boundaries, so she will lie to you about this. She does not want to lose the connection with either you or her friend, so she will lie to protect both.

While this might not make much sense to you, as an adoptive parent, this logic makes perfect sense to a traumatized child.

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Photo credit: Lynda Bernhardt