Adoption is filled with many pre-adoption fears. I was incredibly fearful before I adopted my child. Will I pass the home study? What if I am never matched with an expecting mother? Would the adoption fall through? Would the birth mother come back into our lives while my child was still a minor? Would my adopted child reject me when he is grown?

These were all fears that I felt from the perspective of an infertile woman who desperately wanted to adopt a baby, but what about the pre-adoption fears of an expecting mother or father? I can only imagine their fears: Am I making the right decision? Will the adoptive parents love my baby? Will my baby be safe? Will my baby understand why I placed him for adoption? Will I ever see my baby again? Will my baby want to see me when she is grown? Will the adoptive parents honor the terms of the open or semi-adoption?

My extended family had their own fears. What if Faith is defrauded? What if she spends thousands of dollars and does not adopt a baby? What if the adoption agency places a baby with Faith who has health issues? What if I feel differently about an adopted grandchild than my other grandchildren? Can I embrace a “stranger’s child” as my grandchild?

I would also imagine that older children have lots of pre-adoption fears: Will my adoptive parents love me? Can I trust them? Will they hurt me? Will I be safe with them? How will I fit into their family? Will my adoptive parents reject me?

Yes, from all directions, pre-adoption fears are common and to be expected. The origin of most of these fears is the unknown. On this side of the adoption, I realize how much energy I wasted worrying about things that were not even an issue. In fact, as soon as I met my son’s then-expecting mother, most of my pre-adoption fears melted away. She was not a nameless, faceless entity but a true, flesh and blood human being who was making a very difficult decision at a very difficult time in her life.

I wish I had a mentor while I was going through the adoption process. The only people who had the power to alleviate my fears where those who had been through the adoption process themselves. They have walked the same path that I had, and they could tell me from experience that I had nothing to worry about.

I think it is very helpful for anyone with pre-adoption fears, regardless of their place in the adoption triad, to talk with someone who has already walked the walk. It is very reassuring to hear from someone who has “been there” that it is all going to be okay.

Photo credit: Lynda Bernhardt