I recently cycled out of a very intense, two-week cycle of emotions that were a symptom of my post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD). While it is fresh on my mind (and psyche!), I thought I would share what it feels like from the inside to help you understand your abused child a little better.

Anyone with PTSD might experience some form of this cycling of emotions. The symptoms will be much more intense for anyone who suffered from ritual abuse like I did.

It started with mild feelings of anxiety. I could not relax. I noticed myself slipping back into some of my anxiety-control tics, such as blowing on my hands. I could not pinpoint why, only that I was feeling a bit out of sorts.

Next came the headache. As the stress began to build inside of me, my head began to pound. I became cranky and had a shorter temper than normal. I was less able to shake off the minor irritations of life with humor, which is my normal way of coping with the day-to-day annoyances that arise.

Sleep loss came next. Even my wonderful weighted blanket was not enough to calm the insomnia. (It definitely helped but could not “fix” it.)

As the emotions became more intense, I moved into a cycle of longing for my bed all day, only to find that I could not sleep when I climbed into it. Even with sleep aids, it took me an hour or two to drop off to sleep. If I awoke at 5:00 a.m. to use the bathroom, I might as well get up because I had no hope of falling back asleep.

Next, it moved into a full-fledged panic. The intensity of the panic was extreme. My heart was racing, and my mind was going a million miles an hour. I felt overwhelming anxiety that I was in terrible danger, but I could not tell you the origin. Xanax was very helpful for this stage.

Then came the despair. That is the worst part. I felt the depths of the despair I experienced as a child with no hope of escaping the abuse. This is when I become susceptible to self-injury and suicidal urges. I just want the pain to stop, and I will do anything – A-N-Y-T-H-I-N-G – to stop it. Even death is preferable to feeling that way forever.

I still have not found a “fix” for this PTSD symptom. Anti-anxiety medication does not seem to help. Drinking alcohol (a depressant) seems to fuel the fire. I need to hear that I won’t feel this way forever, but I am incapable of believing this in that moment. I find myself trying to hold on for one more hour or one more minute. I cry frequently and pray that I will wake up the next morning feeling better, but that doesn’t happen, and I sink further into the depression. A part of myself believes that I deserve to suffer.

Then came the terror. Even my 15-pound weighted blanket could not make me feel safe enough. I piled on additional blankets and comforters (even in the 90-degree heat) in the hopes of feeling safe and calming the terror. I had panic attacks as my body shook to help to release the adrenaline from the terrors.

Then, just like that, the clouds parted, and I was okay.

Saying that this process makes me feel INSANE is an understatement. I have had a professional tell me multiple times that I am not “insane”: this is a normal part of PTSD. However, it is hard for me to believe it when I am cycling through these unbearably intense emotions. It feels like I have been thrown into the currents of the ocean, and I am helpless to stop the direction of my emotions until the current stops.

Related Topics:

• Cycling out of Severe Triggering
• Really Struggling with Depression – Not Sure Why
• Traveling the Child Abuse Healing Journey Together

Photo credit: JulieC