Our Guestblogger is Melissa Nilsen who resides in Minneapolis with her husband and two-year old daughter. She writes articles on open adoption and blogs about being a birthmother and mom. Check out her personal blog or read her articles on Tapestry Books on-line.

(Read part I here)

I recently went away for the weekend with a girlfriend and we called home to talk to our children as much as we talked to each other. I miss my daughter when I’m not with her and I watch her like a hawk when we’re together. If you’re a mother or are close to a mother, you know this routine. It’s hard to be away from your baby, especially a brand new infant.

As we established on Monday, open-adoption seems the clear choice for birthparents. When a birthchild is first born, he feels very much like the birthparent’s real child. How can a birthmother be expected to sever all ties and walk away? But birthparents are not the only people to consider in the adoption triad.

Many adoptive parents worry, and rightly so, about the practicality of open adoption. They wonder: What if I don’t like my baby’s birthmom? What if the birthmom doesn’t like us? What if she doesn’t like the way we parent? What if she changes her mind? What if she violates our boundaries?

As a mother of two years, it is hard for me to imagine looking at my beautiful child as she sleeps, feeling all that overwhelming love that a parent feels for her child, and imagining someone else out there who feels the same way about her. How, I’ve often asked myself, would I handle a woman coming to see my daughter with the same kind of love and anticipation with which I seek out my own child?

Would I be able to “share?”

Unfortunately, there are no guarantees in open-adoption. An open-adoption is dependent on the personalities of each person involved and is, therefore, subject to a million different possible influences. In other words: some go better than others. Even though my open-adoption was a tremendous success, I cannot promise that any other open-adoption will be successful.

But my birthdaughter’s mother Sandy and I have come up with these few rules, guidelines and factors that are consistent with successful open-adoption.

1. Open-adoption is not co-parenting. The adoptive parents are the parents. No part of the open-adoption relationship should undermine the adoptive parents’ roles as parents.

2. There must be mutual trust in the open-adoption relationship. Before entering into an open-adoption, the birthmother and the adoptive parents need to feel enough trust for each other. The birthmother must be able to trust that the adoptive parents will honor their promises to involve her; and the adoptive parents must be able to trust that the birthmother will not change her mind.

3. If there is not full trust, adoptive parents cannot bond appropriately with their new child. If a birthmother is unreliable and is wavering in her decision to place her baby, adoptive parent end-up in constant fear that their adoption might fall through and as a result, they hold back emotionally, afraid to fall in love with a baby they may lose.

4. You must trust your gut. Sandy and I have rehashed the details of the past many times over the last ten years. There were times when she followed her intuition and was rewarded for that. But sometimes the desperation of wanting to adopt leads hopeful parents into leaping into a situation against their better judgment. As many adoptive parents will tell you: this doesn’t pay. Trust your gut, if a situation doesn’t feel quite right, walk away and trust that the right situation will come along.

5. As a birthmother, you must honor the parents you have selected as THE parents. Do not undermine their parenting by putting yourself in the role of parent. You would not only do them a disservice but you would do your birthchild a disservice. Every child has the right to be clear about who his parents are, there should be no ambiguity.

6. Be the birthmother. So what should you be? Your role as a birthmother is a very important and special one. You are there to love and support the whole family (siblings included). You can keep in touch, come to visit, answer questions, talk. Not only will your birthchild have questions as he grows, likely his parents will too.

7. The adoptive parents must do what is best for their children. If any aspect of the open adoption relationship isn’t working for the birthchild, her siblings or the family dynamic, it must be changed. While open-adoption is important for the whole family, the most important consideration for adoptive families is their children’s well-being. If birthparents are overstepping their boundaries, referring to themselves as “mom” or “dad” or making inappropriate comments about their birthchild’s parents or family, their access to the family can and should be limited.

The bottom line: open-adoption should be a positive and healthy choice for the whole family. And then you just have to try it. It is a leap of faith to agree to open-adoption. But then again it is a leap of faith to place a baby for adoption too.

Image Credit: flickr