Adoption Under One Roof

I am working through each aftereffect covered in the Incest Survivor’s Aftereffects Checklist. Today, I am addressing this aftereffect:

10. Suicidal thoughts, attempts, obsession (including .passive suicide.)

Suicidal thoughts are common among survivors of child abuse. Suicide is the ticket out of hell. When the child is living in hell, suicide can be a way out. Even after the foster or adopted child has been removed from the abusive environment, so much pain emotional remains. Again, suicide is the ticket out.

Most suicidal thoughts are not about a “desire to die.” They are actually about a desire to stop the emotional pain in any way possible. Any alternative, even death, feels preferable to living a lifetime of intense emotional pain.

An advantage to being an adult and living long enough away from the abuse is recognizing that no feelings last – neither the good ones nor the bad ones. However, the abused foster or adopted teen does not have enough life experience to know this yet, at least not at a heart level. So, when the traumatized child is bombarded by these intense, painful feelings every day for a week or two, the child can mistakenly believe that he will always feel that way.

Dying is absolutely preferable to feeling like that every single minute of every single day for the rest of your life. Even as an adult with years of therapy and healing behind me, I have to hold onto the hope that this, too, shall pass, or I would choose death as well. I cannot put into words how painful that emotional place is – I call it the “deep, dark hole.” I truly would rather die than live in that place forever.

Passive suicide is basically recklessness. Lori Singer’s character in Footloose [http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0087277/] is an excellent example of passive suicide. She does fool things like standing on the train tracks with a train approaching and straddling two trucks with a car about to hit him because she truly does not care what the outcome will be. If she lives, it’s a rush. If she dies, then the pain ends. There is no downside.

Suicidal thoughts, and even suicide attempts, are a normal aftereffect of child abuse, particularly of severe and ongoing child abuse. The ticket out is talking about what you are feeling and learning (at a heart level) that all feelings pass. Your foster or adopted teen will need your help in learning these lessons.

Related topics:

• Helping Abused Adopted Child Fight Suicidal Urges
• “I Want to Die”
• Self-Destructive Comments
• What to Say to Your Suicidal Adopted Child
• Is Suicide Wrong?

Photo credit: JulieC