On my post Continued Contact with Abusive Birth Parents after Adoption, a reader left the following comment:

I am 41, and visiting my parents is always a draining experience. The dysfunctional patterns of my family that I worked so hard to overcome in my adult life still exist in theirs. When I go home it's like I enter that same world again and it's hard, really hard. I continue to see them because in my case the abuse was not that severe and I feel I can still have them in my life. But I definitely have to set boundaries and limit how often and how long I visit. The best thing I ever did for myself was to move 2 states away. The second best thing was getting therapy as an adult. - Snafu Suz at Continued Contact with Abusive Birth Parents after Adoption

Snafu Suz provides some good advice for people who continue to have relationships with dysfunctional people. I, too, did her Top Two things by moving two states away and entering into therapy.

Whether or not your adopted child should visit with abusive birth family, your reality might be that they must. Perhaps the birth family's parental rights have not yet been terminated, or perhaps you adopted children who are required by court order to continue visitation. Or your adopted child might now be an adult and has chosen to continue the relationship. If you are in the unfortunate position of watching your adopted child continue a dysfunctional relationship with abusive birth parents, here are some tips for minimizing the damage:

1. Identify the dysfunctional roles.

When a person has lived with a dysfunctional relationship, stepping back into the dysfunction can feel comfortable, even though it is not pleasant. You know your role in the drama, and it feels natural to play your part. The first step toward breaking out of the dysfunction is to identify each person's role in the drama. The child needs to be aware of the role that each person is playing in the drama.

2. Point out the chain reaction.

Interacting with a person in a dysfunctional relationship is like dancing with him. The other person takes the lead, and you fall in step. Take careful note of the things that the abusive birth parent says or does to start the dance.

For example, I have a relative who plays the martyr to get out of taking responsibility. If I call him on something, his response is, "Yes, I am such a big jerk who never does anything right." My part is to say, "Oh, no. I did not mean that. You are such a great person." Blah. Blah. Blah.

This "dance" keeps him from taking responsibility for his actions. So, I changed my response. Instead, I say, "Yes, that is what I said word for word. Thank you so much for listening so carefully." By changing my response, I changed the dynamic.

3. Talk about how to handle the set ups.

Preparation is half the battle. If you know that the abusive birth parent is likely to say or do something upsetting to your child, then brainstorm ways together to counter this behavior.

For example, I have a dysfunctional relative who controls everyone around her by "worrying" all the time. It is everyone else's "job" to alleviate her worry by finding ways to make her feel better. Instead of getting upset, I do "shots" in my head. I imagine doing a shot of alcohol each time she says, "I am worried" and then figure out how drunk I would be if this were a drinking game.

Of course, you will want something more G-rated for a kid, but you can come up with a similar game, such as imagining pink elephants in the room and then figuring out how crowded the room would be. This keeps the child detached from the drama.

Related topics:

• Healing from Child Abuse: Function After Dysfunction
• Grieving Effect of My Healing on Dysfunctional Relationships
• Ambivalence toward Child Abuser and Dysfunctional Family

Photo credit: Lynda Bernhardt