Continued Contact with Abusive Birth Parents after Adoption
On my post Talking Badly about Birth Parents in Front of Adopted Child, a reader left the following comment:
The current fad in social work is open adoption, and yes, workers would love to think that the time is right to make open adoption a part of all adoptions, even in abuse situations. - John at Talking Badly about Birth Parents in Front of Adopted Child
I find this thought absolutely frightening, and I hope we can put a stop to this trend.
Continued contact with abusive birth parents is not a good plan. Abusers continue to have a hold over their victims, and one visit with an abusive birth parent can cause a child who is finally doing well to backslide big time into old patterns. Those of you who have fostered children that have been forced to visit with abusive birth family know about this all too well.
I am an adult who has done the hard work of healing from my abusive past, and yet I cannot handle seeing my abusive parent. I have not laid eyes on my abusive mother since December 2003, and I do not see that changing any time soon because even as an adult, it is still too hard. When I am around her, I feel like I am a helpless child again instead of a grown woman who is fully capable of making her own choices. When the pull of an abuser's influence is this strong on a woman who is pushing forty and has not been abused in over two decades, imagine the power of an abuser's influence on a child who was harmed much more recently.
I have a friend who moved back in with her abusive parent when she was in her early thirties. She was struggling financially and saw this decision as the only way to get by. She had not self-injured since she was a teenager. She moved out after one year of living with this parent with over 60 new burns on her arm. Even as a grown woman who was no longer being harmed by her abuser, her abusive parent had power over her that drove her back to behaviors she had overcome many years before.
I would love to know the alleged rationale for this trend. Of what value is it to force a child to hang out with her rapist on a regular basis? What good is supposed to be accomplished?
Maintaining contact with any of my abusers, whether related by blood or not, was never helpful for me. In fact, I would dissociate whenever I was around my mother, so I would have a limited memory of the experience. The last time I saw her, we drove in a car together for over two hours. Immediately afterward, I could recount very little of what we said on that trip, even though I know we talked the entire time. Even though my body was there, my spirit was not. This is what happens to these children who are forced to continue contact with abusive birth parents. I see no value in putting children through this.
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open adoption
My level of abuse was much, much less than anything you went through Faith, but on a lesser level I know what you are talking about. I am 41, and visiting my parents is always a draining experience. The dysfunctional patterns of my family that I worked so hard to overcome in my adult life still exist in theirs. When I go home it's like I enter that same world again and it's hard, really hard. I continue to see them because in my case the abuse was not that severe and I feel I can still have them in my life. But I definitely have to set boundaries and limit how often and how long I visit. The best thing I ever did for myself was to move 2 states away. The second best thing was getting therapy as an adult.
So I agree that continuing visits with birthparents, when they clearly are having a negative impact on the child, should NOT be continued. Overall I think the open adoption trend is a good thing, but it doesn't work across the board. Each child's situation is individual and we need to act in the CHILD'S best interest, not the best interest of the parent.
Terrible What next? Making a
Terrible
What next?
Making a woman who was abused by her husband visit him? Live with him on a trail basis?
Nah!
That would never happen because she's a grown up. We're talking about little kids here. You know, small and powerless.
Justification
The reasoning I have heard on kids having contact with the abusive parents is 'That overall, the benefits of contact outweigh any negative impact. The child is able to process the loss because he continues to have contact with his birthparent.' I have had this theory put forth by both therapists and social workers. None of the ones who have said this have actually adopted an older child. Appearently there are some studies that they claim have shown the value of almost always having an open adoption.
My degree is in accounting. Like any good accountant, I could make the numbers appear to support anything that I feel they should support (no, that isn't what accountants do). In a study, the reasearcher starts with an idea and tries to prove it. They get to ask only the questions they want to. To observe only the responses they deem important. They are also the ones to reach the conclusions at the end.
Faith, your point about the dilema of foster parents having to try to get the kids back to normal after each birth parent visit is so true. That is the ultimate 'study' on continued contact with an abusive birth parent.
If contact with a person who harmed you is so good, how about having rape victims have required monthly visits with the rapist. They could find out facinating and important things about him, such as, he is a really good doodler, and he didn't hurt me today. Surely that would be more important than having a sense of saftey and worthiness from staying away from the bad person. John
Thank you for speaking out
Thank you for speaking out on this Faith.
Lisa S.
I agree with Faith, John,
I agree with Faith, John, and the other commenters who feel that the idea of open adoption with abusive birth parents is a bad idea. I think a lot of would-be fost-adopters will say "no way." There can't be any benefit for the child. When there are too few people who are willing to step up to do fost-adopts, why would social workers suggest such an outrageous thing? I would never consider a fost adoption of an abused child if open adoption was a requirement.
freaking out a little
after a breif reunion with the birth mother she started to return to her past behaviors and started a relationship with her ex she is now sueing for visitations what to do?
so sorry...
I am so sorry that you have to deal with stressful situation. If there any chance you can talk to a family lawyer that you trust and can afford? That way you understand what your options are.
AngelaW
The ones that you love the most are usually the ones that hurt you the most. - Unknown
In an abuse situation
In an abuse situation, oh heck no. I do not support open adoptions in those situations. There was a situation where a young girl was raped and got pregnant in Nebraska. She was into drugs as well. She chose to place but the "father" wanted custody of his child who was conceived in this situation. I still think that the child should have access to the information in the file upon adulthood. However an open adoption should not even be an option in this situation or any other abuse situation.