Talking Badly about Abusive Birth Parents
On my post, Talking Badly about Birth Parents in Front of Adopted Child, Snafu Suz and John are continuing a dialogue that we started a while ago. The focus of my post was on general assumptions that people make about birth parents, such as the misconception that any birth mother who places her baby for adoption must be young, single, and poor when this is not the situation for many birth parents.
Snafu Suz and John moved the conversation in the direction of talking badly about abusive birth parents, which, in my opinion, is a whole different ballgame.
For what it's worth Faith, the commenter was talking about kids being adopted from foster care, not infant adoption. We do need to be frank and realistic in talking about abusive birth parents, where it is not about particular individuals … PS I do hope that Snafu Suz will not dismiss the abuse suffered by the children placed with her as glibly as she seems to with "That said...". Abuse is bad and not inconsequential. – John
My point was that I don't think it helps in the child's healing to bad mouth their parents in front of them. Show healthy outrage? Yes. Be truthful about their abuse? Absolutely and without question. Say to your child that their birthfamily is a bunch of good-for-nothing dirt bags? Harmful, not helpful. – Snafu Suz
As a person who was raised by an abusive parent, I fall closer to John's viewpoint than Snafu Suz's viewpoint on this issue.
I agree with Snafu Suz's basic point that we do not need to go around gratuitously throwing out barbs about abusive birth parents. For example, my husband used to refer to my abusive parent as "the tard" on a regular basis. While I did not necessarily disagree with his assessment of her intelligence, I did not need a constant reminder about his negative opinion of her.
That being said, having so many people in my life sidestep ever saying an unkind word about my abusive parent was more harmful than helpful. It felt as if they were "taking her side" because, no matter how badly she treated me, she was "still your mother" and therefore never criticized. I cannot tell you how great it felt the first time somebody said, "Your mother is nuts." This was not something gratuitously thrown out, but in reaction to something that I had said about the way she treated me.
Abused adopted children need validation that the abuse that they suffered was not okay. In order to provide that validation, adoptive parents will sometimes need to say an unkind word about the abusive birth parent. To say things like, "She was a good person even though she made a bad choice when she hit you over the head with a frying pan" is invalidating to a child. Of course, the other extreme of constantly referring to an abusive birth parent in a negative way can be damaging as well. Shooting for a healthy balance is always a good plan.
Photo credit: Lynda Bernhardt
- FaithA's blog
- Login or register to post comments
Kumbaya
Faith, Suz and I have been e-mailing each other on this issue. We seem to have very similar thoughts. The problem was one of misunderstanding, not big differences. I am in agreement with Suz, Dirt Bag would be a disaster. That would really be damaging to the boys.
With three of mine, my role was to find positives about their parents, the kids were saying 'My parents were crap'. Felt wierd to be talking up these very abusive parents, but you do what your kids need.
With one son, I had to finally (after three years) challenge his image that Mom was a perfect Mom, it was blocking progess in a number of areas. Risky, and thank goodness it worked, he had RAD, and we did attach, it just took 10 years.
We both agree that abusive birth parents aren't wonderful people, and shouldn't be presented that way. I think an issue was the pharse 'That said'. To some folks, including me, that comes accross as condesending and dismissive. To Suz it was just 'I am changing the topic slightly. Big difference.
I know this is being insenitive Faith, but having dealt with abusive birth parents, I get a chuckle out of your husband's term, 'The Tard'. In the privacy of my own mind I have thought very nasty things about the boys birth parents. John
The Tard
Don't worry, John. I did find the "tard" comments amusing in moderation. Unfortunately, he said this much too frequently, so it became problem, leaving me having to be bothered by it or "defend" her, neither of which I wanted to do. Today, I do find it amusing. :0)
- Faith
++++++++++
We must BE the change we wish to see in the world. - Ghandi
Agree
I want to echo what John said, that we started emailing about the subject and realized we are actually on the same page.
The focus of my post was on general assumptions that people make about birth parents, such as the misconception that any birth mother who places her baby for adoption must be young, single, and poor when this is not the situation for many birth parents.
Snafu Suz and John moved the conversation in the direction of talking badly about abusive birth parents, which, in my opinion, is a whole different ballgame.
Although we are adopting foster kids ourselves, my comment was actually in reference to birthparents in general. When I made the comment I was thinking along the lines of what you said above, about misconceptions about birthparents who place their babies for adoption. I think because my hubby and I will be adopting from foster care John thought I was talking about abusive birthparents. (Correct me if I'm wrong on that, John.) I can totally see why he might have made this assumption and I probably should have been more specific.
So I absolutely agree with both of you that abusive birthparents are a whole different ballgame and need to be handled differently.
Abused adopted children need validation that the abuse that they suffered was not okay.
I agree with this statement 110%.
In order to provide that validation, adoptive parents will sometimes need to say an unkind word about the abusive birth parent.
This is where I think we need to tread very carefully. There's a huge difference between "She was a good person even though she made a bad choice when she hit you over the head with a frying pan" and "Your mom is nuts." I think the best thing we can do is to make this statements without passing judgment on the parents one way or another. Why do we have to choose between saying she's a good person with problems or she's nuts? Why say anything in that regard at all? Why not say something that is factual and validating, without judgment such as, "Your mom did some horrible things to you. Hitting you over the head with a frying pan was not okay, it was wrong. She had serious problems and that is in no way your fault."
I think it's possible to condemn the abuse strongly without condeming the parent. Why is this important? Because not all kids will be ready to hear their parents being criticized. Just like you didn't like hearing your mom being called "the tard" over and over, you risk putting a wedge between you and your child by condeming their parents instead of just the abuse.
I know it sounds like we're splitting hairs here, but words matter. I've heard bits and pieces of your story, Faith, so correct me if I'm wrong here, but it sounds like your abuse was not out in the open and discussed by anyone until you were an adult. Is that right? We are talking about kids still in our homes, though, and some of them very young. We want to respect our child's love for their birthparents while still condemning the abuse. It's a fine line. As kids get older they may be ready and wanting to hear us say things like "Your mom is nuts", but if you're adopting a 5-year old child of abuse, I'm pretty sure saying something like that is just going to hurt your child worse. At that age they aren't likely at a point where they hate their birthparents for what they did. So I think maybe the best thing we can do is try our best to stay in tune with what our kids need, and let them take the lead. If we follow their cues (which I'm sure is easier said than done) hopefully we can address their abuse in a way that is helpful to them at that particular moment in time, always keeping in mind what is age-appropriate.
I apologize for the length, but this is a really important topic and a great one to be discussing and debating!
Susan
BTW, John and I also talked in email about the "that said" in my comment and I did indeed mean it differently than he originally thought. It was not at all meant to be dismissive or condescending and I apologize if it came across that way.
I agree for the most part
For the most part, I think we are on the same page. This sums it up nicely:
"So I think maybe the best thing we can do is try our best to stay in tune with what our kids need, and let them take the lead. If we follow their cues (which I'm sure is easier said than done) hopefully we can address their abuse in a way that is helpful to them at that particular moment in time, always keeping in mind what is age-appropriate."
I could not agree more.
As for my situation -- While I did not tell anyone about the severe physical and sexual abuse as a child, I did repeatedly tell people about different emotional abuses as a teenager and ample evidence of my mother's lack of sanity. That was when I would get the "but she's still your mother" responses, which really bothered me. Soon after my father died, my mother was telling me that she hated me but that I had to forgive her or I would burn in hell and then commemorated the occasion with a stuffed animal. I didn't need to hear, "she's doing the best she can" or "she's still your mother." I needed to hear that I mattered and that it was not okay for her to say these things to me, doubly so on the heels of losing my sane parent.
My mother was mentally ill, but people continually tiptoed around that and acted as if her bizarre behaviors were normal. (It was the whole "it's none of my business" thing.) I was eating out of a refrigerator that housed hibernating ladybugs and was on my own for feeding myself because she couldn't be bothered to feed her children, only her animals. I was the one who had to remember to pick up my kid sister from school because our mother would routinely forget. At age 14, my sister walked home 3-1/2 miles from track practice because my mother forgot again. All this was going on after my father passed away, so there was no sane parent in the house. Yet people refused to validate that she was insane and, instead, tried to make me feel like an ungrateful teenager for questioning my mother's sanity.
Bottom line -- Follow your children's cues. Some need to hear the validation that their parents were wrong. Others need to have their denial broken, as John referenced. Still others are not ready to hear bad things said about their birth parents. The cues will come from the children.
- Faith
++++++++++
We must BE the change we wish to see in the world. - Ghandi