As you demonstrate--saying mean things about another party does not hurt their relationship, but hurts OUR relationship. Your bmom didn't hurt your relationship with your son, she just hurt hers. And though kids don't always get the complexity, they seem to have an uncanny ability to "see through" people, and over time the reality shows itself clearly.

Badmouthing is running off at the mouth in a nasty way, when it is neither kind nor appropriate. Telling the truth is a whole different story. Children of abuse often cling to fantasies about their birth families, that impair their ability to heal. Telling the truth, even when it is painful, can be enormously helpful to these children. And yes John, it is our responsibility to protect our children from contact with bad birth relatives. We can only hope that if they decide to reunite in adulthood, our children will have healed enough to process it in a healthy way.

As far as damaged goes, the truth is, that our children have in fact been severely damaged by the abuse and trauma they have suffered at critical times in their lives. No, I don't want people calling my children that, nor do I want their history trotted out for any interested (nosy) party. But to deny the damage, is like burying your head in the sand. I get ANGRY at the damage my child's bio family has done to them, and I do NOT always hide this anger. My child needs to know that what was done to them was wrong, and outrageous, and SOMEONE is outraged. I believe this is a very critical starting point in their healing.

I gree with John, it is important to differentiate between birthparents who made the choice to terminate parental rights--put the good of the child above their feelings, and parents who were so abusive or negligent that the rights were terminated. In the first case, even people who appear to be mixed up, crazy, wacky, and lead whatever kind of life deserve respect, if only for their choice to give their children a better life. In the latter case, it's actually a little backward to give respect to someone who has shown nothing but disrespect to a child.

I think in cases of abuse or neglect, it is a difficult line to walk--on one hand, it's important to talk about the fact that what happened to the child is not their fault (making the bio parents look good suggests the kids were bad), but on the other hand, will the children believe that "I came from bad, so I am bad"? I also think it's possible to tell children the truth (as appropriate for their age) while also being kind. For example, you don't have to say a bio parent was a real SOB, you could explain that s/he was selfish, and made choices that hurt the child.

First let me say that the delay in my response is due to the fact that I recently had surgery and have been out of commission. I know my response may get missed because it is so late but I couldn’t leave John’s comment without a rebuttal.

“I do hope that Snafu Suz will not dismiss the abuse suffered by the children placed with her as glibly as she seems to with "That said...". Abuse is bad and not inconsequential.”

Hang on a sec John, that personal jab to me at the end of your comment is not fair nor is it helpful, not to mention the fact that you totally misunderstood what I was saying in the first place. I am not glib about abuse and don’t appreciate the implication.

My point was that I don't think it helps in the child's healing to bad mouth their parents in front of them. Show healthy outrage? Yes. Be truthful about their abuse? Absolutely and without question. Say to your child that their birthfamily is a bunch of good-for-nothing dirt bags? Harmful, not helpful.

I DO expect that I will feel anger. I DO know that abuse is bad and not inconsequential. Though I was not removed from my home, I suffered abuse as a child (sexual, emotional and otherwise) so I know firsthand the suffering of an abused child. I also understand, as a child of abuse myself, that even abused kids love their parents. As an adoptive parent I need to respect my child’s unconditional love for their birthfamily. If I bad mouth them (which scrapsbynobody nicely defined as “running off at the mouth in a nasty way, when it is neither kind nor appropriate”) I will only put a wedge between my child and myself and hinder their ability to heal. THAT is what I meant by my comment.

So to reassure you, I fully intend to be open and honest with my child about the painful truth of their past, while doing so in a way that respects their unconditional love for their birthfamily.

I have not adopted yet and am fully aware that I have a lot to learn. I know that just because I lived abuse doesn’t necessarily mean I automatically know how to parent a child of abuse. So I am learning as much as I can by reading books, going to class after class, and frequenting blogs such as this one. I truly do appreciate and welcome feedback and suggestions from the experienced parents on this blog. If you think I am off on my thinking, then please, tell me so. I want to learn and like all parents I want to be the best parent I can be. I do not, however, appreciate unnecessary jabs and negative assumptions about how I will parent my children. John, if you want to challenge something I – or anyone else on this blog – has said, then please do so respectfully.

In the book "The Purpose Driven Life," the author says that there are no unplanned babies, only unplanned parents because God plans all babies.

Re: child abuse -- Yep. I get very angry when I learn about a child being harmed.

- Faith

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We must BE the change we wish to see in the world. - Ghandi