My mother started sexually abusing me when I was just a toddler, so I fit the profile of a child who could have developed reactive attachment disorder (RAD). I have always known that I have issues with trust and attachment, but I did not act out in the way that children with RAD do. I was an obedient, straight-A student who never gave anyone any trouble.

And yet, as a kid, I used to feel hostility toward my father (the “good” parent). If I accidently hurt him, I would get some level of “pleasure” out of it that I never showed.

My father bought me a gun when I was ten years old, and we would do father-daughter bonding as he taught me how to shoot it. I would sometimes get fantasies about shooting him with that gun. These urges would disturb me, and I would never actually do them, but there was no denying that I would sometimes feel a strong desire to harm him. In retrospect, I think this was all part of my attachment issues as a kid. I just chose not to act on them.

Now, as an adult, I am experiencing flashes of hostility toward a friend, and I have been perplexed by this. It finally hit me that this might all be part of my attachment issues that I need to push through. Because I am an adult with knowledge about attachment issues, I am hoping to understand myself and, perhaps, help some of you who are parenting children with RAD to understand your abused children a little better.

This friend is the first true emotionally intimate friend that I have ever had – ever! I generally keep my guard up and don’t let anyone in. I have told my friend most of my childhood story (it takes a very long time to cover a history like mine), and she has been nothing but supportive. We have a true give-and-take friendship. This relationship is everything that I have ever looked for in a friendship, and it took me almost four decades to find it.

So, I have been perplexed by my reaction whenever the two of us have some time to sit down together alone, which is when we are most likely to talk about things that matter. As soon as I get in this situation, I feel hostile toward her. It’s weird because she has never done anything to deserve this.

Thankfully, I have a lifetime of experience with stepping back from what I am feeling to assess the situation, so I always choose to push through this initial hostility. After about 5 minutes, when I choose to have an emotionally intimate conversation with her, the hostility goes away, and I feel more relaxed and at peace than I ever do in my daily life.

I can only recall experiencing this hostility with two people – my father and this friend. They are also the two people that I have opened up my heart enough to let in to this degree. My father wound up betraying me, and this friend has not.

I suspect that this hostility is really about fear. I am opening myself up so deeply, and I am risking being hurt. So, when the risk of emotional intimacy presents itself, I feel an internal rage or repulsion. If I acted on that feeling, I probably would be reacting very much like a child with RAD.

What can you take away from this as an adoptive parent? First, the fact that your child is reacting toward you with rage means that you are making progress toward an emotional connection. If you were not a “threat,” there would be no need to react. Second, the child has a choice – He can choose to act on that hostility, or he can choose to push through to the other side. If he chooses to push through, he will experience a connection that he has never felt in his life.

And, finally, whether or not your child chooses to push through is out of your hands. Only he can make that choice for himself. I choose to push through the hostility because I have the courage to risk experiencing emotional intimacy. Your child might not yet be ready to take this terrifying risk.

I am new to identifying this in myself, so I will probably return to this topic from time to time as I have more to share. For now, I am actually relieved to understand this weird reaction within myself.

Photo credit: JulieC