Guest Blog: Breaking Down the Stereotype: Gay and Lesbian Parents Raise Children Who Grow Up to Be Gay or Lesbian
Michael and his husband reside in California with their 18-month old adopted son. They hope to adopt another child soon. Michael contributes pertinent information on adoption issues on several websites and groups.
Julia asked me to write a blog addressing an all-to-familiar stereotype that children of gay and lesbian parents grow up to be gay or lesbian. When I look at my myriad of friends, specifically those who are gay or lesbian, and there have been many in my 40 years, I have never met any who were raised by gay or lesbian parents. I am not suggesting that they do not exist; they just do not exist in my world. On the other hand, I have met a few heterosexual friends who had one or two gay and/or lesbian parents. Yet, when I look at all of the gay and lesbian people I have met, I see one stark contrast to the stereotype. Heterosexual parents raised them all. Rhetorically, I asked myself, if this is the case, why does this stereotype exist? After all, the American Psychological Association’s website lists the medical professional associations that have “come out” in support of gay and lesbian parenting.
These associations include:
- American Academy of Child and Adolescent Psychiatry
- American Academy of Family Physicians
- American Academy of Matrimonial Lawyers
- American Academy of Pediatrics
- American Anthropological Association
- American Bar Association
- American Medical Association
- American Psychiatric Association
- American Psychoanalytic Association
- American Psychological Association
- Child Welfare League of America
- National Association of Social Workers
- North American Council on Adoptable Children
To better answer this question, I searched the Internet and found a 2001 review of Judith Stacey and Timothy Biblarz’s study examining gender roles of children with gay parents. The authors contend that children of gay parents grow up to exhibit non-traditional gender roles. As a side note, I found other websites that took this language to mean that the children grew up gay. If you read the article, you will find that this could not be further from the truth. What the authors are saying is, "We found that despite the ‘no differences’ mantra, many studies do report evidence of some intriguing differences, and even of some potential advantages of lesbian parenthood…" Here are some of those non-traditional gender-role differences.
- • Teenage boys raised by lesbians are more sexually restrained, less aggressive and more nurturing then boys raised in heterosexual families.
- • Adolescent and young adult girls raised by lesbian mothers appear to be more sexually adventurous and less chaste.
- Sons of lesbians display the opposite – boys are choosier in their relationships and tend to have sex at a later age than boys raised by heterosexuals.
My editorial comment: being “more sexually adventurous and less chaste” does NOT equate to being promiscuous. One can be sexually adventurous and less chaste with their lifelong partner.
- • It is more common for both lesbian moms to be employed, to earn similar incomes, and to cut back on their hours of paid work in order to nurture young children. Some research indicates that egalitarian parenting contributes to child well-being, Stacey said.
- • Same-sex couples proved better at managing disagreements and anger than did comparable heterosexual married couples. Research suggests that parental conflict may be one of the most significant sources of difficulty for children, Stacey said.
- • "Studying how the numbers, genders and sexualities of parents interact to influence children could give us valuable information relevant to central questions in family theory," said Biblarz. "Researchers have been reluctant to investigate differences among children for fear that such evidence will be used to discriminate against gay families."
Stacey and Biblarz’s article provides just one scientific conclusion. There are many. You can search article after article to develop your own conclusion. On the other hand, you can do as some, and find one that best suits your opinion. In my humble opinion, there is no right answer. I want my children to grow up to happy, well-adjusted members of society. I really do not care whether they turn out to be homosexual or heterosexual.
Photo Credit: Flickr by basykes
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Interesting topic
Interesting topic, Michael. Thank you for sharing this. :0)
- Faith
++++++++++
We must BE the change we wish to see in the world. - Ghandi
Is that good?
I am reading between the lines. but it sure sounds like the boys raised by lesbian couples tend to come out as somewhat femanized males. Certainly there are traits here that could be viewed as positive, but isn't a boy supposed to come out as a boy and a girl as a girl? What I am talking about is the parenting the child recieves, not his inbuilt wiring. How on earth is it right for the parenting to partly negate the sex of the child? It certainly sounds like a high probability situation for the child to have considerable gender questions about himself.
Would it be appropriate to say that same sex couples do best when they are the same sex as the child? My personal knowlege is that matching the sex does work well, whether it is a single parent, or a same sex couple.
Reading between the lines
Is normal behavior, but I think you might be reading more than what is really there. I see the male traits - less aggression, choosier, and more nurturing - as a sign of development and maturity. I find these traits to be civilized not femanized. However, it it a matter of opinion. To be clear, are you saying that men should be caveman-like in their aggression, or simply aggressive when it comes to picking a mate, getting a job, and/or running around picking fights? The reality is that these traits exist in all men, including those that were decribed by the study authors.
one more thing...
I also think you made a very good point about single parents and/or same-sex couples raising children of the same gender. While many would not agree, I find it easier.
Thank you for this WONDERFUL
Thank you for this WONDERFUL blog, and I'm so glad I'll be able to refer to it in the future. Unlike John, I don't think that the males raised by feminists sound feminized, rather humanized.
Yeah, it sounds like they'd
Yeah, it sounds like they'd be more complete and multi-facaded. Nothing wrong with that. I'd find a man like that very attractive and cool.
Child Gender same as parent
When I was single parenting my now adult son, he had a high squeaky voice, obviously a femine trait from being raised by a single mom. Since I gave birth to him, I could not really choose his gender, and didn't really intend to be a single parent, but sometimes we get what life hands us. When he got older and started school he began to emulate his male friends and grew out of his femine voice. With many lesbian families who are both capable of giving birth they may choose to do so with artificial insemination to build a family. A friend of mine from school days, along with her LTP chose artificial insemination to have children. God gave them a son. The same can occur when a gay family chooses to use a surrogate to build a family, they get the child that God intends for them to raise. Frankly, after adopting 5 daughters, I have come to realize why God chose to give me sons by birth and not daughters. Since I was/am a tomboy, I tend to enjoy more masculine activities and I tend to be more left brain in my thinking. I actually identify better with the boys, than the girls. However, we all do the best with what we have and the people life throws at us. Of course, I know other families who have children of both genders and it is obvious that they do much better with one gender than the other, but they do their best to raise them into happy, healthy adults. With older child adoption, as John pointed out, you can choose the gender, and you are usually made aware of problems, wants, desires, and personality traits, so you know what you are getting into. For many, like yourself, that is an advantage. Luckily, the world is full of different people, with different interests and desires, so everyone of us, and every child, can fit in somewhere.
Completely FOC
Gosh Julia, I think you are saying that I am FOC. I am not claiming a corner on rightness, but I do have some opinions based on living a lot of years, and raising 6 boys. I would suggest that my comments have triggered a 'that's not PC' reaction. You are correct, its not. I suspect that the feeling is that I should have been dainty and went with the idea that it is fine and wonderful to be remaking boys into something that possibly doesn't fit all that well with other boys. My comments were based on the study Michael cited, not your parenting experience.
A thought, most women have some very definate ideas on how they would like to remake males, traits they feel are undesireable. It is also true that most men have definate ideas on how women should be remade. It simply isn't our job as parents to mess up the child's sexual identity, no matter how good our intentions, or how sure we are of our rightness. The only time there is a choice of sex is in older child adoption, to throw in results from children where choice does not exist simply mixes apples and oranges. My thought that it is best to stick with the same sex may say more about my limitations than the real world, but I do feel that way, or I wouldn't have commented.
I never get the whole "If
I never get the whole "If gays raise children they will turn out gay" thing.
I'd like to point out how many conservative people have gay siblings. It doesn't seem to be that big a deal to me as long as the kid gets a safe good home.
Folks have those same sort of objections about boys playing with dolls, but to me if they wanted to play with them, it would probably help them be better fathers...I don't think gender is so... set in stone, considering my own lack of one specific sort of gender behaviour....
I'm wondering if
instead of the above stating:
• Teenage boys raised by lesbians are more sexually restrained, less aggressive and more nurturing then boys raised in heterosexual families.
It read:
Teenage boys raised in good Christian homes are more sexually restrained, less aggressive and more nurturing than boys raised in non-religious homes...
would these behaviors still be seen as a negative? Why is it a bad thing for a teenage boy to care about others and not try to hump everything that moves? Regardless of the reasons they have learned that their sole job on Earth is not to spread their seed, and there is more to life than biological urges and impulses, shouldn't we be glad that they have learned that lesson?
How many times have impulse control issues been discussed on this site and every other adoption site? How many parents set out looking for information on how to get their kids to think before reacting, to see past their own noses and realize that their actions affect those around them? I see these things as a sign of emotional maturity, not as a defect in the child, or the parenting of the child.
There's more than one way to
There's more than one way to be male or female. It's not as if every person of every gender is the same based on gender. There's variations.
Also these folks on Dr. Phil are probably wishing they had sensitive, nurturing young men instead of boys drinking and driving and making them insane. It's not as if typical male behavior= these boys acting like criminals because people are complicated. That's what the common idea of gender and gender roles ignores.
Hump
"...not try to hump everything that moves..." and "...their sole job on earth is to spread their seed...", wow, do you think there is a little bias there Julie? So your solution is to remake boys and nice them up according to your view of what should be? Is it possible that they aren't as awful as you see them? Just a small point, you married one of them.
Parenting can be fair or unfair, the child doesn't really get much to say about it. In my opinion, if the boy is not outside the range of normal, the parent has no business doing identity modification. We all have to do behavior modification, but that is quite different.
Isn't it interesting that it is a group of women who see it as just fine and nothing being done wrong, to change boys identities. Bet there would be a very different take if it was girls being changed by same sex male parents.
Changed? How? People's
Changed? How?
People's identities don't have to be so... narrow.
Exactly
Exactly
I thoroughly enjoyed...
Reading everyone's comments. I stated in my blog that there is neither a simple answer nor a right answer. Parents have to do what they believe is in the best interest of THEIR child, excluding abuse. I will leave those discussions for Trauma Tuesdays. Faith does a fantastic job trying to dispel that myth.
Getting back on topic... in my humble opinion, I don't see anything wrong with raising girls to be happy, confident women who also happen to be sexually adventurous with their partner. I also see nothing wrong with wanting the same for my son. When it comes to "hump"ing everything in sight, I hope that my son (and daughter if I ever have one) show some judgment and responsibility when it comes to having sex. Sex, albeit a wonderful thing, comes with great responsibility. I think this is the point the study authors are discussing.
Cheers for the info. It was a
Cheers for the info. It was a good read.
Cheers for the info. It was a
Cheers for the info. It was a good read