The Adoption Process And The Reluctant Spouse
On my post, Contrasting "Juno" With My Own Domestic Infant Adoption Experience, Snafu Suz wrote the following comment:
As for the adoptive dad [in the movie “Juno” ], I think he got a bad rap in the movie. His wife accuses him of being immature and I don't think that was fair. He had a talent and passion for music and she discredits that by saying he wants to be Kurt Cobain. She basically runs the whole show and, as he says in one scene, his life is reduced to boxes in the basement. I felt sorry for his character when I think most people felt sorry for his wife. I think it's true that one person may drive adoption more than the other, but that's a bit different than steamrolling your spouse into doing something they really don't want to do. - Snafu Suz
I think her observations are accurate, but I would like to elaborate.
While I do know a few lucky couples in which both adoptive parents walked step-in-step through the adoption process, that does not seem to be the norm. It certainly was not in my household. We were much closer on the continuum to the adoptive parents in “Juno” than we were to those who had no issues at all.
Making the decision to adopt is really difficult. Making the decision to adopt along with another person is even more challenging. When the drive to become a mother consumes you, it can be easy to move into “steamroller” mode when the husband is seen as the obstacle to the end goal. (From what I understand, if the wife is the reluctant one, the adoption is much less likely to happen.)
All that being said, I had my concerns about that couple from the get-go. There did not seem to be warmth between them. Also, the husband did not seem to fit into that humongous house with not one item out of place. It was like the wife built what she viewed as a “perfect” life and that the husband was just another pawn in her quest for the perfect life. I do think that the wife had issues.
I did not get the impression that the couple “saw” each other. She saw him the way she wanted him to be and tried to force him into that mold. He told her what she wanted to hear instead of being honest with her about how he felt. He did not seem to express himself until he walked out the door, which is hardly a healthy way to communicate in a marriage.
I think the reason most people felt sorry for the adoptive mom is because the husband did not speak up sooner. He acted as if he was on board enough to make it work. I suspect she thought that adding a baby would make their marriage better. Also, I don’t think she “saw” him for himself, anyhow. Regardless, he waited until the very end to walk out, and that is what makes her so sympathetic.
To be honest, I did not like her at all until Juno ran into her at the mall. That was the first time I saw the love that she had to give to a child. If that scene had not happened, then I would have preferred that Juno find another home for her baby.
Related Topics:
- Does Adoption Put Stress On A Marriage?
- Will Adopting A Child Save My Marriage?
- An Empty Lap: One Couple's Journey to Parenthood
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A two people thing
Any relationship involves two people. If one decides that their needs have to come first, the cost may be the relationship. The idea that mom is wonderful because she is about to totally obsess on a new baby is dead wrong. It does eliminate hubby, and he is right to say we do what we do together or we can't be together. Boxes in the basement is an excellent way to put it.
I would argue that walking out is the ultimate way to communicate NO, it was effective, nothing else was going to reach her. Mom now had a choice to make, work with hubby, or write off the marraige. It is the mark of a real person to stand up for their needs, and say, no, I am not going to be treated that way. He could have acted sooner, but she could have been less of a battle axe and willing to hear him also. John
PS One of the great parts about single parent adoption is that the parents are in agreement 100% of the time. The down side it that when they are wrong, they are 100% wrong.
Good points
Those are all very good points, John. Yes, I wish he had acted sooner, but I respect him doing this before the baby was born. This left the wife with a choice, whereas she would have had no choice once she adopted the baby.
Good observation about the 100% agreement and 100% wrong.
- Faith
++++++++++
We must BE the change we wish to see in the world. - Ghandi
steamroller mode
When the drive to become a mother consumes you, it can be easy to move into “steamroller” mode when the husband is seen as the obstacle to the end goal.
I am one of those rare women who never was - and still isn't - consumed with the drive to become a mother. I am very excited to be adopting, but I'm not consumed. And honestly, if my hubby had said "no way" I would have chosen him over having/adopting a child.
So honestly, I can't relate. I really don't get it. My hubby is my best friend and we make all decisions together. I couldn't imagine putting an unknown person (baby/child) before him. And if we didn't have a relationship that was this solid, I would think bringing a child into our home would be a bad idea anyway.
Basically I think steamrolling is never a good idea, and if you have to steamroll your spouse then maybe you need to work some things out before you bring a child into your family. It's not fair to your spouse, but more importantly it's not fair to the child. And if that means divorcing - like in the movie - then so be it. I think it's really sad when some women are so consumed that they care more about being a mother than they care about what's best for the child. After all, isn't being a mother about caring for a child?
Just Saw Juno the Other Day
I liked it, but the adoption parts didn't seem very accurate to me.
My problem with the potential adoptive dad was, he was cool, but he seriously, to be crude, needed a set badly.
There's no way he should have allowed his wife to take his true self and cram it out of sight in boxes and basements. I wouldn't have stood for it, I wouldn't have forced my husband to give up his dreams for me, as folks need dreams to be whole and happy. I do think a person could pursue rock, and adopt a baby. It would be difficult, but not impossible.
So I didn't see the husband as selfish. I saw him as seriously needing to grow up in the sense that he knows what he wants and tries to make an attempt to get it. He definetly should have stood up for himself better, explaining his feelings to his wife because what is the point of being married if you can't be honest with the person you're with?
You don't want to teach that sort of value to a kid too.