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How are Adoptees Affected by Adoptive Families With Birth Children?
As I shared in my blog entry 90210: Adoption Search & Reunion Effects on Birth Siblings, 90210 is exploring an adoption search and reunion storyline. Last week’s episode got me thinking about how it affects an adoptee when he learns that his adoptive parents have a biological child.
This can happen in a number of ways. An adoptive couple might adopt a baby and then later get pregnant. At some point, the family will have a discussion about how one child joined the family through birth and the other through adoption. Most of the adoptive families that I know have not had too many road bumps with this scenario, although I can think of one that did. They really did treat the adopted child as different, and that, of course, is going to cause issues.
Another way that an adopted child might learn about a biological child is if the adoptive couple adopts an older child when they already have a biological child. This is the scenario on 90210. Dixon (played by Tristan Wilds) was adopted out of foster care when he was eight years old. While the parents treat both children the same, Dixon confessed that he sometimes feels like he doesn’t quite belong. I do not know how common this is.
90210 is now exploring a third scenario – where the adopted child learns that an adoptive parent has a birth child. Dixon has previously confided that he does certain activities because it makes him feel more like his father’s son. Dixon’s reaction to learning that his adoptive father has a birth son was, “So, you mean you have a son?” His father immediately said, “I mean that I have a second son. I already have a son.”
Now, if we were to learn that my husband had a birth son, I really don’t think that it would affect my son feeling like a part of our family. He has never shown any insecurity about being a “real” member of our family. He is our only child, and he knows that the world revolves around him in our household. So, I would be surprised if this scenario presented itself for our son to have the same reaction as Dixon on 90210.
For those of you with both adopted and biological children in your family, how has having a biological child in the family affected how your adopted child feels about being a “real” member of your family? Does having a sibling who is biologically related to the parents affect how the adopted child feels as a member of the family?
Other blog entries on 90210:
- New “90210” to Have a Transracial Adoption Storyline
- New “90210” Has Two Adoption Storylines
- More on 90210’s Transracial Adoption Storyline
- Transracial Adoption Issues: “That’s Your Child??
- “90210” Kicks Off an Adoption Search and Reunion Storyline
Photo credit: Lynda Bernhardt
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Extremes
This is a constant battle in our home, as our three girls came when they were older, and we have bio children close in age to them. There is constant competition...mostly by the adopted children, as the bio children do not perceive the need to vie for a position, as their position in the family is secure in their mind. The adopted children compete fiercely with both their adoptive siblings, and each other (we adopted a sibling group so they are sisters both ways). It takes the form of extreme attention seeking behaviors, and them casting themselves in extreme roles. For instance, on one day they may cast themselves as Cinderellas in the house, flinging accusations that they are sorely mistreated. On other days they adopt haughty, arrogant behaviors, lording it over the bio children that they demand the lion's share of attention and intervention in the house. It is a tough way to live, and hard on everyone. But over time we see it lessening, so we have hope that eventually they will feel like they are fully part of the family, and have no need to be so aggressive against each other.
Adopted child with natural child
After I was born my mother was not able to have more children so when I was almost 5 they adopted my sister. She was told when she was very young so she always knew. I always felt she was treated better than me because she was "special" and "chosen" and my parents were very protective of her. I was left to do as I pleased with little or no repercussions while they held a very tight rein on her. I got a car at 16, she got a horse (I'd begged for one for years), I was a wild teenager and often came home drunk, her friends were carefully screened and they knew where she was every minute.
On the other hand, my father's parents never accepted her as part of the family and my sister was very much aware of it. Grandma always said I was her favorite grandchild and she ignored my sister. That upset me because she was my sister. I never blamed her for being adopted and I love her very much, but the word "adopted" definitely divided us.
And there is my daughter that I relinquished. The night she was born the family that was supposed to adopt her had a family emergency come up and couldn't take her so their best friends did. She was one of 8 children, her being the only adopted child. She said that when the other kids got mad at her they would throw it in her face that she wasn't really their sister, that she was adopted. That hurt her.
SO, here are two other circumstances where a child would be adopted into a family with natural children.
Teri Brown
Adoption Records Handbook
www.CraryPublications.com
Adopted child as the chosen child
Five of my boys came home from foster care. Chad, my second youngest was 17 and a junior. A girl he knew from school was very upset, her parents were divorcing and she couldn't seem to get her father to understand what she was going through. Chad suggested a way of approaching the father. The girl responded with "That would work for you Chad, you're adopted!" There were about 10 other kids listening, about half were adopted, all agreed with the girl. I asked my son if he thought that was true, he looked at me like I had a bolt loose, and said "Of course it works that way, we are always the center of the family." I had no idea that the chosen child was an accepted belief amoungst teenagers.
It must be very difficult for a biological child to feel second best. All kids should be equally accepted and protected. John
Thanks
Thanks for all of the comments. I never appreciated just how complex the situation of bio and adopted children could get.
- Faith
++++++++++
We must BE the change we wish to see in the world. - Ghandi
other biological children
i guess i was lucky. my twin and i were adopted when my dad was told his sperm count was so low his chances of fathering a child were 1 in a million. So they started searching and were considering a baby that looked like the grandparents were going to fight for when they were told there were twins available that the mother wanted to go to an lds home (my parents were lds). They were told we had foot problems but did they still want us and they said of course! and all we needed were corrective shoes until we were 3. anyway, when we were 3 my mom got pregnant and i just remember being excited about the baby growing in mommy's tummy. we had been told about being adopted and that we were special because mommy and daddy got to choose us. i pictured a baby store with aisles of babies and parents shopping, lol. When my mom had her next child we were all old enough to love helping with changing and feeding him. when my youngest sister was born we would all try to wake up the earliest to go get her and feed her but my younger sister always beat me. :) There was never any feeling of difference, and maybe because we were the first children. i know in our teen years there were apparent ways that my younger sister was like my mom and they related differently and i think that was just due to genetics- but we were not made to feel like we were different or not part of the family and never have been. I recently found my birth mother and found she had married our birth father and they had 3 kids, so we have 3 totally blood related siblings. my mom has been very supportive of this and would love for us to all meet. its interesting, i feel a connection to my biological siblings but my true siblings are the ones i grew up with.
Thank you for sharing your story
Thank you for sharing your story. I think that the positive stories often get overlooked on the Internet. That has been the experience of most of the people I know off-line with adoptive & bio siblings as well.
Take care,
- Faith
++++++++++
We must BE the change we wish to see in the world. - Ghandi