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Adoptees and Broken Trust
Our Guestblogger today is Melinda Warshaw, an adoptee in a closed domestic adoption. She is active in adoption law reform in NY, and also the regional coordinator for Westchester for Unsealed Initiative to pass a bill of adoptee rights in NY.
Dr. James Dobson, Founder and Chairman of Focus on the Family says adoptive parents can be vague and hold back the truth from the adoptee. He says they don't have to acknowledge adoptees were born from another mother and father. He has it all wrong about adoptees and so did the late Dr Milton Levine, a New York pediatrician who wrote books and offered advice on raising children. Both doctors condone not telling an adoptee the truth and hiding details of adoptees origins. Dr. Levine believed it was all right to tell an adoptee his or her bilogical parents were dead, resulting in no search by the adoptee. The problem with this lie is adoptees sooner or later discover biological parents are not dead. Although Dr. Dobson disagrees with telling the adoptee biological parents are dead, he also condones hiding the truth in a time when openness and honesty in adoption are recommended by adoption professionals.
All one has to do is read Nancy Verrier, an adoptive mother's book Coming Home to Self to know that the best way to heal an adoptee is for them to know their origins and try to piece together an authentic self and identity at the age of 18. The truth shall set you free is what adoptees know to be true.
Living a lie like I was forced to do was crippling emotionally and psychologically! It took me years of searching and fighting against an inhumane system to find out my truth. Dobson has glossed over the fact that adoptees will grow up and want answers to the biological parents that created them. Adoptees will need and want to know their surnames, their ethnicity, their medical history, their story...they will need to see others that resemble them in appearance and talents. Adoptees need to know they were born not hatched or dropped off by aliens..They will need to reconnect their genetic mirrors that were shattered when they were taken from mother at birth. The truth is a "need" and a right....without it we are lost in the darkness!
Dobson is part of the problem for adoptees and why we don't trust. He is a good reason why our records are still sealed. Read my story to find out what broken trust does to an adoptee from a closed adoption.
Read my story on Adoption Under One Roof: A Legitimate Life.
Read article by Dr. Dobson on TownTalkCom: Be Delicate when telling adopted child about birth parents
IImage Credit: Forget Me Nots on Flickr
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Interesting post
Your post is well written and makes a number of good points. Even in adoption from foster care, very different from infant adoption, the child needs to have his information at 18.
Two points that bother me. First, the idea that the adoptee can only have a true identity from birthparent information. Yes, I am an adoptive parent, but I would think for any adoptee, the majority of their identity would come from their adoptive parents, that is what they lived. Of course the heredity information is from the biological parents. Who we are is largely determined by what we have lived through. The second issue is the idea that the adoptee was 'taken' from the birthmother. No, almost never. The adoption could only happen if she decided to place her child, and signed all of the required papers. There were no evil social workers snatching the baby from the mother and handing her to the adoptive parents. The child was avalible for adoption soley because of the decisions of the birthmother. There were no evil bad guys out there stealing babies. John
forced adoptions and baby stealing
John I don't know how old you are but you are misinformed. I question your age because most people past forty years of age know pregnancy out of wedlock was taboo until the mid 70's and women were coerced by social workers,(many of them nasty) to surrender children. I know firsthand because I was coerced by a very nasty one (I don't use the word evil)in 1966 and when i contacted the agency in 1986 the director of the agency sympathized with me when I told her the name of my social worker. Ann Fessler's book, "The Girls who Went Away" tells the true story of the more than l.5 million women forced to give up children for adoption during the baby scoop era. And there have always been baby thieves. One of the most notorious is Tennessee's Georgia Tann described in adoptive mother, Barbara' Raymond's book, "the Baby thief". One of the most notorious black market adoption brokers is Bess Bernard who operated in the 1940s in New York City. Bess Bernard falsified all information on birth or natural parents. Her story has been aired on television, "Unsolved Mysteries". Baby stealing occurs even today. I would not describe social workers from the baby scoop era as evil but it was in their job description to be nasty and punishing towards women pregnant out-of-wedlock because we were sinners. I'm now sixty years old and I can tell you my nieces have had a hard time understanding how it was for women before the mid 70's and how painful it was to be manipulated and surrender your child. "Wake Up Little Suzie" by Ricky Solinger is another book worth looking into.
Miss Informed
Hi Un, I am from the same era as you. When I was a kid,I remember my folks talking very quietly about a Mom and her son, you see he was born out of wedlock. A different way of thinking, thank goodness we are way beyond that. Yes, coercion did exist in that era. That was not the rule once we got into the 70s and beyond. My comments were about the last 30 years, not that earlier period. I am always amazed by the idea that almost all adoptions were the result of baby stealing, or coercion. Most of the adoptions in recent times involve the mom deciding that adoption is the plan she feels is best. It always feels like magical thinking when an adoptee has the line that she was 'taken' from her mom. Mom made a choice, that may not fit with the idea that Mom is a wonderful caring parent who was taken advantage of. John
Genetics are important
John, why do you think so many adopted persons search for their parents? Certainly you can understand that biological connections are very important to self-development and the ability to understand one's place in the world based on genetics. You say you didn't understand your adopted son's need to search for his family....how long have you been around adoptoland? You haven't figured that out yet? Something as simple as hearing one's mother laugh and that laugh sounding like your own can be a gigantic relief for the person adopted.
When a baby is born and family members are gathered around, what do they say? Oh, he has your eyes, he has grandma's nose...this dialog carries on for years - there is a constant reminder of who one is and how they fit in the world based on genetics. Why is it important for people to make these connections with their children, grandchildren etc.? Adopted persons don't have this. Maybe it seems unimportant to you, but that's because you've not lived it.
As far as coercion in adoption goes - you are way off the mark. Please do some research on the last 30 years in adoption. You might be surprised what you learn.
Surprised
Michelle, my surprise was that he would have the need to have a reunion after he had lived through so much abuse from her. He was very clear on his anger at what she had done to him, as well as her failure to protect him. Certainly, in an infant adoption, it is a different world, there is no abuse or neglect from the birth mom. Wanting to search and have a reunion is not surprising in that type of adoption. John
John, I understood why you
John,
I understood why you were surprised because I know a little bit about your child's background. Having been violently abused as a child, I would never want to seek a reunion with the person who abused me.
I agree that these are two different situations.
Need to know the truth
John,
I was taken from my mother by children's services and the police in 1964. It was for alleged abuse and neglect. I was two. It made absolutely no difference to me why I lost my mother - I wanted to know her, to see for myself who she was and ask her face-to-face what happened and to learn about her, her life, my identity, my relatives, ethnicity, culture and ancestry. Guess what I discovered? There had never been any abuse. Hearing about it or reading it on adoption-related documents was never enough to satisfy my curiosity. Good thing I did search and find my mother and learn the truth when I did - she died eight months after our reunion. All those years I was kept from her because of what social workers wrote on a piece paper.
Just because my mother had problems (and she did) she was still a human being; it was through her life experiences that led her to lose me. My mother was raised in an orphanage and tossed out at 17 yrs-old to fend for herself. Learning about her life and my grandmother's life helped me to understand her actions and how I came to lose her and my family. Saying a child was abused and therefore their parents are not not worth knowing is not the message people should be sending.
Sorry to hear about your situation, Michelle
I really am. I think your experience was very unfortunate. I am glad that you were able to find your mother.
In response to your comment to John:
"Saying a child was abused and therefore their parents are not not worth knowing is not the message people should be sending."
I didn't take John's comment in this manner. I believe John was merely surprised that his formerly abused son was interested in finding his birth mother. John's feeling is valid.
I can understand, too
I can understand John's surprise as well when we are talking about an abused child who was removed from an abusive home and was old enough to remember the abuse. As someone who grew up in an abusive home (biological mother was the abuser), I cannot fathom wanting to reunite with her. Nobody removed me from her -- I had to do that for myself. I take no comfort in knowing the genetic similarities -- I wish we had no connection at all.
Newborn adoption is a completely different situation. It's like comparing apples to oranges.
Some child abuse survivors feel the need to have a confrontation with the abuser, but I don't know many seeking a reunion after they finally get away.
Take care,
- Faith
++++++++++
We must BE the change we wish to see in the world. - Ghandi
I could not agree more! I
I could not agree more! I have absolutely NO desire to see or confront my abuser.
I also share your sentiment about genetics.
Still might want to know
Faith, I can understand your POV. For me it wasn't just about meeting my mother - it was the whole package. For the adopted person there is also a missing father, grandparents, siblings (potenitally), aunts, uncles, cousins, culture and ancestry that is unknown. Someone who was abused and has a memory of it, obviously isn't the same as being adopted and hearing that you were abused. Even those who were abused may still want to learn about the rest of their family and identity, often it's not just about confrontation with the abuser.
I support reunions
I support reunions. I hope my son reunites with his birth mother. I would like to give her a big hug myself. :0)
Yes, I can see where someoen who was told of the abuse versus remembering it herself would see things differently. And there is always the known versus unknown factor.
The only biological relative in my life is my sister. We were abused together, and we are very close in part because of it. I really have no use for any of the others. Of course, there is my mother, who did the abusing and made me available to be abused by others. And then there are the other family members, who could have done something to save me but did not. Even though they were not abusive to me, they were (and still are) extremely dysfunctional. I don't want that in my life, and I definitely don't want that in my kid's life.
I am not judging anyone for their decisions. To search or not to search is a personal choice. My point was that I can understand John's reaction to hearing that his child wants to reunite with the person who made his life a living h@#$ before adoption. The adoptee has every right to do this, just as I have every right to choose NOT to have these people in my life.
Take care,
- Faith
++++++++++
We must BE the change we wish to see in the world. - Ghandi
Cailfdads
My aopologies Califdads. I did think you were John and was replying to those posts.
I've seen John's posts for over two years on other forms expressing the same POV. I am surprised that after this legnth of time in adoptoland that he still seems confused about why somone would want to reunite (those who were abused)with their parents. It's about many unanswered questions and needing to understand one's past. Many people that were absued internalize that abuse and blame themselves. I would think that by meeting and understanding their abusers it may help to alleviate some of these feelings. Others are not interested in knowing and that's fine too.
I remember hearing about Healing Cirlces in Native communities where elders bring together perpetrators and their victims. I don't know how successful this practice is, but the point is that sometimes people need to resovle the past to be able to move forward - meeting parents who abused could be part of the process.
Confrontations
Whether or not to confront an abuser is a sticky area in the child abuse survivor world. It is a very personal choice, and nobody but the survivor gets to make that choice because that person has to live with the consequences. When deciding whether to confront, survivors are encouraged to examine what they hope to gain from a confrontation and how they will react if the abuser refuses to take responsibility for the abuse (which often happens).
Someone who knows the severity of the abuse and loves the survivor is going to want to protect him from more harm. I think this is where John is coming from. Heck, even my sister and I do not agree on this issue. I have not see my mother/abuser in five years and will not let her anywhere near my kid. My sister has chosen to keep her life and let her see (and even babysit) her children. We had to agree to disagree on this issue.
She gets where I am coming from. I don't get it when I look at her. I remember all of the horrible things that this woman did to my sister. The thought of my sister wanting to be anywhere near her blows my mind. But I have to respect that this is what my sister believes is best for her and her children.
I think John is in the same place that I am. Loving his son and knowing the horrors that the abuser inflicted on him, he does not want his son anywhere near that abuser.
But the bottom line is that my sister and John's son are adults, and it is their choice to spend time with an abuser. It is their life path to choose. John and I don't have to get it. We just need to love them and be there to help pick up the pieces if things go wrong.
Take care,
- Faith
++++++++++
We must BE the change we wish to see in the world. - Ghandi
Dual Identilty
I suggest you read Nancy Verrier's book Coming Home to Self and also The Primal Wound to understand about an adoptee's dual identity. We are two people and some of us have dual personalities because we were put in another family where our authentic self was made over into an artifical self. This is one reason why I wrote my story...I wanted to write about the complexity of the adoptee and identity. We are not just a product of nurture..but nature and nurture...the issue arises for the adoptee when they get older and want to get their lost identity back. Trust me...it happens to all adoptees but some never dare talk about it to their adopters..Why do you think we search for our birth parents????
Many birth mothers were coerced by social workers and family to relinquish their babies. I know this to be true by talking to many birth mothers who also suffer from Post Traumatic Stress Disorder like adoptees do....it's life long grief here but no one wants to discuss it....it's the underside of adoption.....well I hope I enlightened you a bit about adoptees....please keep reading my story...it tells it like it is for many of us....FB..check out the site Adult Adoptees Advocating for Change on the net for real adult adoptees voices.
Yes I can see why this disturbs you. One good site to check out is Adult Adoptees Advocating for Change on the web....this have given a voice to adult adoptees and you may learn quite a bit from reading their posts...
Made over?
Thank you for the idea of a dual identity. I think many adopted parents are amazed at the child wanting or needing to search, where the first relationship was ended due to abuse. This does explain a key part of that. My oldest searched and had a reunion with his family, very abusive, and the reunion unfortunately was not planned, it went about as bad as it could. I certainly didn't have a problem with his having the reunion, just puzzlement that he would have the need to do so.
'Made over' sounds like the child is being turned into a victim by bad guys. Real world, the adoptive family did not take the child from the birth mother. They could not possibly raise her if they pretended to be someone else. Made over? Perhaps, there really isn't any other way to do it. They had the job of being the child's parents, and they did their job. John
abused as a child --adoptee searches for birth family
perhaps this has been said already but adoptees want answers and to quit wondering.Even if the reunification doesn't work out there is resolution
and most say they are glad they searched. It's a natural curiosity and regardless what kind of adoptive parents an adoptee had the curiosity exists.
I've heard of cases where the birth father murdered the birth mother and the
adoptee wanted to find the killer birth father even if he was still in jail.
they had questions one is, "do I have any siblings?"--actually they have many questions more than we who are not adopted could imagine.
Adoptive parents do the best job they can and many do a great job but they have to remember at age eighteen the adoptee is an emancipated adult. It bothers me when adoptees are 40 or 50 years old and the adoptive parent or parents says no to them searching. I think this can be called ownership.
I'm a mother who surrendered.
Made Over
You aren't understanding what I mean.....it is complicated I must say....
example..you a white European adopt a Chinese baby...you bring that baby up as an Episcopalian or even a Jew for that matter.....that baby if it had stayed with it's Chinese kin would not have had to go through this make over or have parents that are white or whatever that don't even look like him or her.....this is what twists an adoptees mind when they become old enough to understand what happened to them...so many try to go back to their country of origin or whatever to find their authentic identity...seriously....reunions aren't all wonderful but what is important is to allow the adoptee to know his original name, his country of origin, his ethnicity, medical history etc...it's all about the DNA and no genetic mirrors...please go to the site I mentioned and read what adult adoptees say to each other that they would never tell an adoptive parent.....foster care is diffent when the child already knows who is parents are.....it's rough to explain it all to you in a few sentences....
I cannot speak for John...
But, I understood what you meant the first time you wrote it. While I don't agree that in ALL adoptive situations an adoptee loses their "authentic" self, your example further muddied, I think, what you were trying to say. The example you gave was very specific. Are you now saying that an "authentic" self is tied only to one's race, or one's religion? What about a Chinese family adopting a Chinese baby? Does this "dual identity" not apply?
Just being devil's advocate to your original thought:
What is an "authentic" self? Doesn't our self evolve over time with each new experience? Isn't our self, by virture, authentic?
Please read her book....
http://www.nancyverrier.com/ She is one enlightened adoptive parent
DNA self
I as an adoptee have found that my authentic self was inherited from my DNA and all my DNA ancestors...the personality is encoded in the genes so therefore it comes from one of your birth relatives......I know that no one in my adoptive family (I am speaking of a closed adoption now where the name is changed and the child becomes someone else's child who isn't related to it) inherited anything remotely similar to what I had inherited..when I found my birth relatives I found that I was like them.a little bit of everyone I identified with including talents, looks, nammerisms and on and on...my genetic mirrors restored and therefore I could finally see myself in others..I never saw myself in my adoptive parents..they were the other and I always knew it...I never was like anyone in my adoptive family and believe me I knew the difference...they had a differnt energy and genetic makeup and it wasn't natural at all....oh yes I fit in because I had to and took on my adotptive mother's idea of what she wanted me to be which was just like her (the daughter she never had)..she tried to make me into that daughter she never had and it never worked...now after coming home to self (and finding my lost genetic mirrors and doing genealogies on both sides all the way back to Europe and having pictures of them and their stories etc) I am more stable and grounded because I have identified and found others with my similar traits,artistic gifts, IQ....etc on and on.thus finding my authentic self..you can take the adoptee out of their original family but you can't take the original family out of the adoptee.(we are not blank slates) .you must know this...why do you keep challenging me.I don't get it....unless you are an adoptee you may never get it.many adoptees don't get it...this is something many adoptees know to be true unfortunately..open adoptons make it easier for the adoptee...a Chinese child adopted by a Chinese family with still have a dual identity...do you get it now??? I don't think I can explain any better than this...
Wow...
I am glad you started with "I as an adoptee," because I don't think your experience is similar to that of ALL adoptees. I don't disagree with what you are saying. It is your experience, and that of many other adoptees. It is not, however, the experience of ALL adoptees. This is one of the points I was trying to make...
I understand the genetic component; I also understand how it plays a strong part in one's development. It is only one part, though. Genetics may dictate one's traits, or simply leave them with a pre-disposition to develop in one way. There are many other stimuli in our environment that affect one's development.
By the way, comments like
"you must know this...why do you keep challenging me.I don't get it....unless you are an adoptee you may never get it."
"do you get it now???"
are quite condescending. Aside from this post, I had only posted one comment!
What's not to understand?
John, I don't think anyone would disagree that environment plays a part in shaping a fraction of a person's identity. But you are trying very hard, it seems, to downplay genetics. Why? Whether any person wants search for their family or doesn't is nobody's business but theirs. They need not justify it to anyone. If you are trying to understand why a person would search for their parents, I think people here who have had such a need, have explained it. I don't know what more people could say to help you understand that knowing one's parents, regardless of who those parents are or what they did in the past, is perfectly normal.
By the way, I am NOT John
And, I wasn't arguing your point about genetics (having studied genetics I know it's impact as previously stated). I was merely adding to it by suggesting another aspect.
Also, I NEVER stated that an adoptee should not be allowed to search. Perhaps, you are confusing me with John - but I don't recall that he said that either. Anyway, my cousin was adopted. He was raised by a very loving family. For that reason, he has no desire (and never has) to search for his biological family. Adoptees like this do exist. I was merely trying to illustrate that not ALL situations are like yours and FB's...that's it.
With that said, I believe that open adoptions are healthy for all parties involved. I also am of the frame of mind that closed adoptions should be outlawed. These are only my opinions.
Sorry Califdads
Sorry if I came off as condescending...I also was getting triggered and over reacting to John too..oh well..this was a very interesting conversation...Thanks and I am so happy to know you think closed adoptions should be against the law.....=))
With that I say...Happy Thanksgiving to all!!!!!!