Read the Traumatized Child Blog. Use AUOR for 10% Discount at Dream Catcher
Adoptees, How Can Adoptive Parents Help Alleviate Identity Issues in Their Children?
After reading a comment made on another blog by Eri I have to ask a question. How can we adoptive parents help alleviate the abandonment, self-esteem, and identity issues that our children, adoptees will feel? From what Eri said, she was well loved and given a private education. If I read into this, then I will assume she was also given other opportunities because private school isn’t cheap. Why didn’t these opportunities and experiences growing up help her develop a strong sense of identity and self-esteem?
This was a portion of one of Eri’s comments on another blog.
“For the record, I was raised by a loving adoptive family and was given a private school education but the fact that I have had to deal with abandonment, self esteem and identity issues say to me that love and money cannot solve everything.”
I must ask this because we did a private adoption of a newborn baby girl after six adoptions of older children through the foster care system. We had parented so many infants over the years of fostering that we had fallen in love with and not been able to adopt. We finally decided to do a paid adoption. She is two, while our next youngest is nine. Obviously, because of the age difference, she is "our baby," and the entire family dotes on her. Eri said that her family loved her and provided well for all of her needs, yet she still struggled with abandonment and identity issues. What can we do for our daughter besides loving her intensely and providing for all of her needs?
With so many adopted children, plus we had foster children coming and going over the years, adoption is an ongoing topic in our home. All of our children have grown knowing about their adoptions and talking about their adoptions. Some of our children have contact with birth family members, while others do not. The ones that do not have contact know that it is not within our control.
Our two-year-old daughter’s adoption is closed based on her mother’s decision. However, we continue to send letters and pictures to the agency every six months in hope that she will change her mind. Fortunately, we have the birthmother’s name as well as other identifying information and one picture. Therefore, our daughter will not be left in the dark with no clues as my husband is about his birth family.
Our adult daughter, now 25, who left at 18, was able to process and explain what happened after a few years. Her paternal birth grandfather had offered to let her live with him once she graduated. She planned on attending college, continuing her current job, and living with a birth relative. Without notice, he got married, sold the house, missed her graduation, and birthday. She found out through the grapevine that she would not be living with him. She realized years later that she experienced intense abandonment issues. We had adopted her at 15, so of course she had strong ties to birth family that we maintained. She had planned her course of action, but of course, a blog is just so long, so we cannot include the entire story in one blog.
Photo Credit: JC Penney Studios
- Define Success When Raising an Adopted Teenager
- Older Parent Adoption
- How to Tell if Your Child Has Impulse Control Problems
- How to Help an Older Child Stop Bedwetting?
- How to Prescribe Behavior to Prevent Child meltdown.
- How to Find a Child to Adopt and Negotiate an Adoption Subsidy
0
- JuliaFuller's blog
- Login or register to post comments
Helping with issues.
Hi Julia
First, I think that your daughter is already in a better position than I ever was in terms of identity issues because your household encourages discussion about adoption. Sure, my adoptive family loved me but because of some of their insecurities, mostly my adoptive mum and later one of my adoptive brothers, I could never talk openly and honestly about how I felt about being adopted. I might have mentioned in the other blog that if I told people that I was adopted, my adoptive mum would cry and make me apologise for it. Later, when my half sister found me and I had my reunion, my adoptive mum just would not listen to how I felt about it all and disregarded the fact that it triggered abandonment and self esteem issues that had always been there and were adoption related - she kept telling me that my issues stemmed from her divorcing my adoptive dad when I was 12 - sure, I had issues with that too, especially since at the time she went around telling everyone that she had raised her family and was going to have fun now, but they were distinctly different issues. Three years of therapy, several support groups, some time without contact and one of my adoptive brothers educating her have vastly improved my relationship with her. I feel like one day soon I will actually be able to introduce my two families to each other.
I contrast this with my best friend, R, who was adopted by parents who encouraged her to talk, cry, scream, say whatever she wanted about her feelings around adoption. She used to talk all the time about being adopted, about finding her natural mother, if she was angry at her parents she would scream at them "You're not my real parents" and they would take it in their stride. She actually searched for her natural mother when she was 21 and her parents were completely supportive and almost as excited as her to meet her natural mother and half brothers. In terms of how different R and I are, her sense of identity is much stronger and she has always found it easier to say no to people, she is less of a people pleaser than I am. The issue that we both share because it is a fundamental part of adoption is the abandonment issues. Basically, we have all been abandoned by our first set of parents and there really isn't much that can be done about it other than lots of therapy. It tends to be most prevalent in relationships because we either push people away, ie: leave before we can be left, or we turn ourselves inside out to keep a partner who might not even be right for us. Recognising that we are doing it and getting counselling to overcome it are about all that can be done. For my friend R, her abandonment issues really only manifested in her intimate relationships, whereas I spent my life up until reunion trying to please everyone - family, friends, boyfriends, complete strangers. I think this is because her parents made her feel so secure by letting her be herself and still loving her.
I hope this makes sense. I feel that you are already on the right track Julia, well and truly. The point I was trying to make in the other blog is that society at large tend to think that money and love can overcome everything and that is all that children need and if you think otherwise you are an ungrateful adoptee. I have had people I barely know pull the "You're lucky they took you in when you weren't one of their own" which I think you all know is just plain offensive. I hope I have helped at least a little bit. Please ask me to clarify anything - I think I kind of got into a bit of a rant!!
Cheers.
Eri.
Thanks, Eri!!
Eri,
Thanks for providing so much insight into this issue for us.
Normal
0
false
false
false
EN-US
X-NONE
X-NONE
MicrosoftInternetExplorer4
Re:
<!--[if gte mso 9]>
LatentStyleCount="267">
<!--[if gte mso 10]>
<![endif]-->
"You're lucky they took you in when you weren't one of their own"
I will have to resist the urge to SLAP the first person who says that to my child. **I** am the "lucky" one to have him in my life, although I would say "blessed" rather than "lucky."
It sounds like your parents put their insecurities over your need to express yourself. I have learned through therapy myself how important it is to allow yourself to feel whatever you feel. It is what you **do** with those feelings that makes a difference.
People can tell you that you "shouldn't" feel X, Y, or Z, but "shoulds" don't matter because you "do" feel that way. If your family had encouraged you to talk about your feelings on adoption, you might not have felt so isolated and at war with yourself about your feelings.
Thanks again for sharing your experiences as well as those of your friend.
- Faith
++++++++++
We must BE the change we wish to see in the world. - Ghandi
Eri, Are you saying every adopted child should have therapy
Hi Eri, thank for taking the time to give such a thorough answer. So are you saying that every adoptee should seek therapy to deal with the abandonment issue? If you are saying that, when do you feel it should happen. I would guess as an early teenager since that seem to be when the deeper thinking about adoption occurs. On another note, at my daughter's wedding, her neighbor walked up to me and said, "I knew immediately that you were Jen's mom, you look just alike." I smiled and said, "Thanks." When I told Jen, she said, "That's funny, did you tell him I was adopted." I told her that I did not, if she wanted him to know she was adopted that was up to her, but not me to decide. She said she was going to tell him as they had a good relationship. She is 25 and has been married 1 year and they have 2 children together ages 1 and 3. They recently almost got divorced. She shared yesterday that she still struggles with abandonment and communicating and sees that as a major cause of their marital problems. However, she said that she is determined to work through it. I guess that is a key to success. She was in therapy from the time she came to us at 13 until she was almost 18, btw. But, as I shared, her grandfather really blew a hole in her self-esteem and identity.
Yes.
Yes, I think all adoptees need therapy for their abandonment issues. Only problem is that some of us can be in denial about these problems and it can take a long time to come to terms with and want to deal with it. As a result, it's hard to say when therapy should start but I think your early 20's is a good time because most people really reconcile their identity around this time and I know a lot of aodptees who have hit the "who the hell am I?" barrier at that point. Teen years tend to have so much else going on, dealing with adoption issues can seem not as important - does that make sense? But again, it is a personal journey, some teens may be more self-actualised than I was.
With regard to your daughter and the "you look like your mum" comment, the difference between you and my mum is that if I had asked if she had told him I was adopted, she would have put on a baby voice and said something "That would make me sad because I'm your mummy." Yes, even when I was 25, up until I was 33 in fact!
But there is also this issue
I agree with Eri that adoptees in general have issues with abandonment. Most therapists do not research and understand what adoption does to adoptees. Many go along with the clean slate thing. I have gone to therapists and spent more time educating them than helping myself get over those issues. I end up quitting the therapy because it is no use to me. I do however think that there is a plus that adoptive parents today have. They have openness where us older adoptees do not.
Here I am 43 years years of age. I have served in the military for my country and have delivered its mail. I can be trusted with that information but I still can not see my original birth certificate. A family member of my mother's still managed to shame my adoptive mother because she encouraged me to search. As a result, I am now an activist.
Clean Slate
In foster care adoption of older children, the clean slate approach allows the child to have the distance from trauma (abuse) that helps the healing process. There are two very different ideas of the clean slate. One, is the old fashioned idea, that we pretend that the child was born as a 12 year old and had no life before adoption. Bad news. The other is that this is a fresh start, but that the child lived all of those years and had those expereinces, they are part of him and not to be trashed or thrown away. That works, the parents are facilitators, helping work through the past when the child is ready to handle that. You spend a fair amount of time helping him understand what happend, when, and why. You become the expert on the life he lived, strange, but it works. John
Clean Slate
John, I think you have right when it comes to a fresh start, not so much as a clean slate. There is this young boy on the ranch. Abuse situation. Honestly his "birth" mother's rights should have been terminated years ago because she gave him an adult dose of meth. However I see in him a sense of loss. Even though logically he will understand why her rights were terminated, he will still mourn what might have been or even what should have been.
Acknowledging that a child even an infant having a past is a step in the right direction. Getting access to even the court documents and transcripts so the adoptee sees what really transpired is another way.
Records
In adoption from foster care, you have a great deal of clout to get records and information up to finalization. After that, it is the discretion of the agency, and some areas, even they can't disclose. My advice is be pushy getting any background information you can. The more of his past you can give to him, the more the child can trust you. John
Dependent
The records are dependent upon the state too. I have had complaints from foster to adopt parents about them not getting copies of the records or the transcripts. That bothers me because it does not equip the adoptive parents in those situations.
Sense of loss
"Even though logically he will understand why her rights were terminated, he will still mourn what might have been or even what should have been. "
I no longer have my mother in my life by my own choice. She was extremely abusive, so cutting ties in adulthood was the healthiest choice for me.
I do struggle with feelings of loss -- not the loss of her, but the loss of what should have been. I have no mother-figure in my life. Think about all of the ways that a good mother enriches the life of an adult child -- babysitting, being present for important events, offering advice, etc. Those are the losses I feel. I also feel loss when a friend receives a call from her mother around me and then says, "I love you, too."
The loss I feel is not about the person I lost but rather the role of the person I lost. I feel cheated out of having a loving mother-daughter relationship. I suspect that these are the kinds of losses that this child will struggle with. It's not from the adoption but from the rejection that is inherent in abuse.
- Faith
++++++++++
We must BE the change we wish to see in the world. - Ghandi