Have you read profiles of available children who were adopted internationally as infants being placed for second or re-adoption? The thought of not bonding with an infant seems far-fetched to many. Babies are small, fragile, and totally dependent on the parent or caregiver for life so how can they not bond. After several years of parenting the child and not making a connection, the adoptive parent releases the child for re-adoption. You usually see children between eight and 13 seeking new families on websites such as CHASK or Little Bit of Heaven Referral Service. Most of these were from failed international adoptions. What is the connection? Why can’t some people bond with an infant or why can’t an infant bond with a new family?

A friend recently shared her early bonding, or lack of, with her now three-year-old daughter. Her daughter came home on her four-month-old birthday from Korea. Her family picked up their new daughter at a large international airport. There was no pre-adopt visitation or transition between primary caregivers. One day, she had a loving, Korean speaking, foster grandmother. When she next awoke, she had a young, English speaking mother, father, and brother. What a shock that must have been.

The agency their family adopted through insisted that they have training in bonding techniques. Both she and her husband took turns carrying their infant daughter around in a carrier so she was always close to a parent’s heart. She seemed to bond with her new daddy always preferring him to her mother. In fact, she would scream if he handed her to her mother. This went on for months and my friend was quite worried.

Once the baby turned a year old, she was switched from formula to regular cows milk. She became terribly constipated, screaming for help. After several weeks and the advice of a friend, the mother tried eliminating dairy products and thankfully eliminated the constipation. While dealing with constipation is terribly painful for a baby, it did serve a greater purpose. She clung to her mommy for help and thus finally bonded with her mom, after nearly a year.

A year is long time for a parent to wait to feel a loving connection with a child. After listening to my friend’s story, I gained new insight into the lack of bonding with an infant. Luckily, her tenacity paid off and today she has a loving toddler.

Photo Credit: Julia Fuller