Our GuestBlogger today is Romee, a high school teacher from the Pacific Northwest and a single parent to an almost three year old boy from Guatemala.

When I first started on my journey of adoption, I was admittedly a little naïve about the overwhelming curiosity of the masses. I had never had a child or experienced pregnancy, so I was unfamiliar with the myriad pregnancy horror stories and highly intrusive questions others often eagerly bestowed on first time pregnant mothers. Besides, I was adopting. What could people possibly say that would rival the “and then they brought out the scalpel” tales that my pregnant friends were subjected to? Oh foolish, foolish woman!

Two years into my “waiting to adopt mode” I had had enough. With fury and frustration (and not a few tears),  I composed the following list of things that I wished well-meaning friends, family members and acquaintances would refrain from sharing, asking or telling me about adoption:

1. Any story that has to do with a failed adoption, a disturbed adopted child (or two), or the problems encountered (bipolar, learning disabled, wacko - yes, someone said this, etc). We do research before we decide to adopt (I hope!) - no one just wakes up one day and says - hey, I think I’ll adopt a kid today. We are well aware of the pitfalls and problems. You don’t need to enlighten us with what could go wrong.

2. Have you considered foster adoption or adopting from the states? Or, why didn’t you adopt from the states? (see above).

3. Have you considered IV or artificial insemination? First of all, this is a highly personal question. Second of all, how do you know we or I haven’t? Third, do you really want to hear all about the hormones, shots, and the procedures that this involves? It is just as expensive and fraught with its own problems. Again, we do our research before deciding to adopt.

4. People have children all the time in their 40’s. Really? Have you looked at the research? I/we have. No they don’t, not with their own eggs. (See question #1, again).

5. You have lots of time/options. Really? And what do you know about my options and my time? I realize this is meant to reassure, but the truth is we often have looked at all the options (see question #1).

6. Why don’t you check with a friend or relative living in another country? I hear there are lots of children needing to be adopted there. Really? If it was that easy, why would any of us bother to go through an agency? Because we love parting with our money? (See question#1).

7. The right child will come in God’s time or some other platitude. Fine. I agree. However, in the midst of setbacks and disappointments this is not really what I want to hear. Sympathy. A hug. A pat on the back. These will suffice.

8. Did you research the agency? Country? Rules? Money? Heck no! I just threw a dart at the map and then flipped through the phone book. (See question #1)

9. Why don’t you switch to……..? (Fill in the blank with an appropriate country) International adoption is very expensive, time consuming, and fraught with reams of paperwork. You don’t just switch from country to country. It is not a restaurant buffet.

10. Please wait for us to fill in the details, if we wish to share. We will (honestly) tell you if something is happening. Please don’t ask us everyday how the adoption process is going and then ask another of the above questions.

Along with all of the above (yes, really, at some point I was asked or told all of the above), I also had someone say to me, and I quote:

I had a friend who adopted and they found out the kid was manic depressive. You just never know what you will get genetically when you adopt.”

Ok, so it was a blind date, and he was an idiot, but really! While I may be preaching to the choir, be prepared for a few ignorant people (and some well-meaning people who forget to turn on their brains) and inane comments along your adoption journey. Hang in there. Grow thicker skin, and if all else fails, grow another head!

Image Credit: flickr