Our guestblogger today is Dee Thompson, a paralegal and writer who lives in Atlanta. She adopted her daughter Alesia from Russia in 2004, at age 13. She had met Alesia when her choir sang at the orphanage in 2003. She adopted her son Michael from Kazakhstan in April 2007, when he was 10. [Dee wrote a book called Jack's New Family, to help Michael make the transition to an American family. It's in Russian and English. Available on Amazon.]. Michael was beaten by a gang of boys at age 5 and left to die. He lost his right hand due to frostbite. Both children are now healthy and happy. Dee writes a blog called “The Crab Chronicles,” to give the world a picture of her family and encourage people, by example, to adopt older kids.

Part II

Yesterday’s anecdote illustrated the history of many children placed in orphanages in Russia and Eastern Europe. It’s a compilation of many stories I have heard about different children. Lack of care, insecurity, exposure to adults who are drunk or stoned – these are common to all neglected children.

Older children, even those who were placed in the orphanage as a baby, live on survival mode. They live in constant fight or flight stress mode. It’s exhausting, mentally and physically.

Once an older child is adopted and comes home, parents often think, “They should be so happy and grateful to be here! This child can finally relax, and be loved. I took them out of poverty and now they have a real chance at a good life!”

Their newly adopted child has no idea of those expectations. All the child knows is that everything is unfamiliar. They are scared. The new parents usually don’t know their language, so they can’t even say how scared they are, or what’s scary. Their thoughts are more along the lines of: Who are these people? Why did they adopt me? Can I trust “Mom” and “Dad”? When are they going to leave me? When are they going to get drunk? Nobody really wants older kids they want babies – so what’s going on here?! I need to get as much as I can, so when they leave me I will be OK!

Just because you take a child from the orphanage and improve his standard of living, it doesn’t mean the child can magically transform himself into a facsimile of an American child who has been loved and nurtured since birth. All the adopted child has ever known is uncertainty. All the adults in their life have always been untrustworthy. They have learned to never trust adults.

I thought once my daughter got home, got regular food and vitamins, love, and some nice clothes and educational toys, she would be fine. It vaguely occurred to me that she might need to see a therapist at some point, but I wanted to try and help her adjust without that intervention. I felt so convinced that I was all she needed, that I ignored a lot of warning signs in books and articles I read about traumatized children. I just kept thinking they didn’t apply to us.

In many ways, Alesia was like a scared little animal, right at first. She was terribly malnourished, and emaciated. She ate everything, and hid food in her room. She sometimes stole things I wouldn’t give her. She was able to be nice in a superficial way, while sneaking around to do whatever she wanted, when she felt like it. For instance, I found her pouring out the shampoo one night because she thought I was unreasonable to expect her to shower every day. She saw absolutely nothing wrong with that, and was genuinely puzzled by my anger.

It took a long time for me to see that her good behavior hid some very maladaptive behaviors she had learned in the orphanage.

In a Russian orphanage, you lie and cheat and steal what you can, whenever possible. My daughter used to steal food from people’s gardens. She stole things from others. She was also a victim. Everything my daughter loved, of any value, was stolen from her, including even a book of photos I gave her. She learned not to get too attached to things.

In the orphanage, she learned revenge as a second nature. There, if someone hurts you, you hurt them back, twice as bad. That’s how you survive. It’s like prison – you have to have a tough image.

Alesia lived with her birth mother until she was 6. She had to learn to take care of herself from a very early age. Her birthmom left her alone while she partied and got drunk – when Alesia was a toddler. For instance, she recalls walking across a yard filled with broken glass, syringes, and used condoms, and cutting her bare foot. Her mother was nowhere around. She recalls being alone in the apartment and having no food, and trying to cook for herself when she was 3 or 4. She recalls seeing her birth mom hauled off to jail.

These traumas affect how a child’s brain develops. There are scientific studies on the effects of trauma on a child’s brain. When the child is constantly stressed, the brain is flooded with cortisol and other chemicals, which make it difficult or impossible to learn and retain new information. The child is constantly feeling terrified and on guard, so there is no room for anything else.

My daughter’s behavior improved and then backslid several times over the course of the first 3 ½ years after I adopted her and brought her home, before we started therapy. For months, she would be fine, and then I’d find out she had been sneaking around and looking at inappropriate things on the computer. She ran up a huge cell phone bill once (on my phone) when I was out of town. Most of her misbehavior was a result of being very, very naïve and un-sophisticated. She had no idea the cell phone company would charge for all her calls and texting. She had no idea there are really inappropriate websites I don’t want her to see.

The contrast between my daughter’s life in the orphanage and her life here is enormous. She came from a place where the caretakers barely monitored her behavior. They didn’t care if she did homework, or if it was right. She only bathed once or twice a week. She had no access to cell phones or computers. She had hardly ever ridden in a car. She had never seen a microwave oven, or eaten in a restaurant. She had no idea that American parents expect good behavior, good grades, and appropriate dress and grooming. I had to teach her everything. It was exhausting.

Finally, it got to a point where there was so much distrust, and she was so disrespectful to me, I knew I had to get help. I learned of a therapist, a Russian woman, who specialized in helping families with children adopted from Eastern Europe. I called her and talked to her a long time, before the first visit. Despite her kindness, I was skeptical as to how much she could help.

I have learned so much from the therapist about the trauma that continues to affect my daughter. Every visit is a revelation. You might think it’s a terrible thing, but it isn’t, actually. Every visit contains real hope. The more my daughter learns about herself, the better she is – her behavior has improved 100%. She likes herself better. She is more at ease in school, with family, with peers. I think for the first time in her life she feels hopeful about the future.

I am learning how to be a better mother, because I understand my child so much better now. (I sit in on most of her therapy sessions.)

If you are the parent of an older child and you are having issues, please find a good therapist, one who deals with adopted children. I have great respect for our therapist. She knows so much about kids like my daughter, and how to help her. I wish I had taken my daughter to her years ago. We could have avoided some heartache.

Part I

Image Credit: Dee

Jack's New Family author: Dee Thompson asin: 1934216046