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Vanishing Sandra: Kids, the early days
Sam's first statement to Mark when hearing that he was leaving me was: But you're married to Mom and that means you live with her forever.
Sorry to say, that took a much bigger bite out of me than the small nibble my husband felt.
When asked why he was leaving, Mark told our five-year old that it was because, "I don't love Mom any more. I love someone else."
To say I hit the roof is an understatement, but calmed myself enough to eventually try to explain to my possessed spouse how a statement like that would be interpreted by our son.
Basically, if he can stop loving Mom, how long will it be before he stops loving me, too.
This unthinking damage is taking a lot of effort to repair, and I fear that something from those words will stick with Sam for the rest of his life. The fact that Mark physically moved out on the eve of Cj's third birthday was another blow of notice to all of us.
Three weeks away gave me space to wallow in my own misery, so upon my return I was prepared to focus on the kids. Unfortunately, the ground continued to shift daily and it was very hard to settle into new routines and fallout was obvious.
For the first time in her life, Cj refused to sleep in her own bed, always before treasured as a safe and comfy space by her, and she insisted on sleeping with me. I must admit that I found comfort in having a bed full of kids, and I understood very well that both needed the added closeness, the security of Mom within arms reach at all times, especially those dark hours when all sorts of monsters can invade.
I set a strict routine for the first months that had dinner at 5 pm, bath time at 6 and bed, for all three of us, at 7:30. We were all exhausted by then, as the loss and the stress it created took a heavy toll. I was also doing what I could to keep the kids busy and interested, so filled the days as I could with as much togetherness as a family so obviously one short can be filled.
Constant reassurances were asked for, and even now, six months later, I get the following series of questions from Cj at least six or seven times per day:
1) Do you love me?
2) Do you love Dad?
3) Do you love Sam?
4) Do you love Grandma?
5) Do you love Grandad?
... and on through the rest of the family and all of our friends.
The answer to all is always an emphatic "yes", but the questions continue to come from my three-year old.
Image Credit: flickr
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Sam has always been so wise
Sam has always been so wise for his years. I don't know how you kept it all together those first weeks/months - a huge credit to you Sandra.
Lisa S.
Good Grief!
He really said that??? What the...! I will never, in my life, fathom the ignorance of men (and some women) when it comes to divorce and kids. Kids, especially young kids, simply cannot process that the spouse is leaving mom or dad for whatever reason. All they know is that dad or mom is leaving THEM and it was probably for something they did! Even when both parents work very hard to not let this happen, kids still internalize the divorce as partly their fault.
I am so sorry Sandra! A fork in Mark's eye!
Romee
Selfish Moron
I was 11 years old when my father decided to stop coming home. And then his pay check stopped showing up. My mother was able to verify that my father was still alive with his employer. But he was a private pilot, so he was really hard to find.
Finally... 6 months later he decided to call my mother. He told her that he was divorcing her.
I thought the whole mess was my fault because I failed to do his laundry. Seriously... kids of divorce will blame themselves for the divorce. I certainly did for years.
The divorce was fairly simple. My father fought hard only on one point. He didn't want any visitation. He was divorcing us kids too.
Sandra, I am so sorry about your family's pain.
My father was a selfish moron and Mark sounds similar. My father would say things really casually and never think about it. It is like the divorce removed a filter from his brain and he didn't care anymore. We would be talking on the phone and he would rave that my mother was a whore. Then he would change the conversation to a topic that interested him. We would talk for a while. Then he would say, "You are just like your mother." I would start crying and refuse to talk to him anymore. So then he would ask my brother, "what is her mental problem?". He never understood that I heard him call me a "whore". I tried explaining several times.
I eventually gave up the relationship because it was clear he didn't care about me... or hated me for reasons that I never understood. I haven't had contact with him for 21 years. I have been much happier.
AngelaW
The ones that you love the most are usually the ones that hurt you the most. - Unknown
Sending cyber hugs
((((((((( Sandra )))))))))))
(((((((( Angela )))))))))
- Faith
++++++++++
We must BE the change we wish to see in the world. - Ghandi
Sandra, I've not
Sandra,
I've not personally gone through a divorce; but I think it fair to say that I have been through a family crisis that left me shattered to the bone and unsure of tomorrow. It took time, but I DID survive...as did my dh and what was left of my children.....
You are the anchor to your children; the wise one...even if there are days when this just doesn't seem to be the definition to apply. But your children see this *now*...and will in the future.
It takes mature people to stay the course when seas get rough; obviously, there are "some" who can't or chose not to. Life isn't meant to be fliting from place to place---person to person in search of one's inner-self and fulfillment, regardless of who's hurt in the process. I'd like to think (and I've seen) that what goes around, comes around. I suspect there are days you'd like to see that addage come to pass as well???
Nonetheless, you should be proud of yourself for maintaining steadfast in times of turmoil. You're a good momma AND a good person. That's evident here.
Stay your course. Hold fast to your babies as you are now. (I don't care how old they become, they're always babies. :) )
Days will vary in emotion; but your character will remain as solid as it is today. I find that a rare gem in humans these days.......My hat is tipped to you......
Most Sincerely,
Linny
Thanks
Deep thanks to all for sharing their experiences and for the support coming my way.
My parents divorced when I was 10, and I also blamed myself, so I struggle daily with how much to tell the kids and how to tell them. I'll be writing a lot more about this topic in the near future, as there are so many times that the prevailing wisdom that we should only say positive things about the absent spouse ... and their new partners, possibly, too ... left me high and dry and filling in the gaps myself. Being honest with the kids has to include some negatives, too, so they have some context.
Angela, did anyone ever tell you that your dad was a jerk?
I know I was told that my stepmother was a lovely woman who cared for me. The fact that that was so far from true had me feeling her behavior must be my fault.
Lots to go into on this topic, so more to come ...
Avoided Name Calling
My mom was stuck holding the bag... ie had to explain the new world order to us kids. Mom just discussed the facts of the situation and kept the emotions out of her voice. She avoided calling my father names. She said that he had issues and she didn't understand his behavior and she was hurt too. And we (my 2 brothers, me and my mother) cried together... frequently. Somehow shared grief helped with the pain.
My younger brother was hurting the worst. My mom found grief counseling for a 9 year old. It helped him to have someone separate from the family to talk to.
And the situation got worse before it got better. My father broke into the house and took things he considered to be his. And there were other ugly things that happened... including some violence.
I don't remember any adult saying my dad was jerk. Looking back at it... my mom handled it very well with us kids.
AngelaW
The ones that you love the most are usually the ones that hurt you the most. - Unknown
sending hugs to you, my
sending hugs to you, my friend. You know I think you're fabulous, both as a mother and as a person.
Hug your kids, turn your face toward the sun and know how many people truly care about you and support you. Oh, and did I tell you to hug your kids? You are lucky to have each other....
P.S. The thing I admire you the most for (amoung countless things:) is that you can give so much security to DJ and Sam by telling them you love their father, even though he has hurt you so terribly. She really needs to see unconditional love in her life right now, and you're right there. (((HUG)))