Adoption Under One Roof

Military Family Posted In Germany Adopts From Foster Care

2008-07-23T08:32:23-05:00

Who Has the “Power” in Adoption?

2008-07-23T07:54:01-05:00

I was talking with hub the other day about the anti-adoption movement on the Internet. Hub’s jaw dropped as he asked incredulously, “Why would anyone be against adoption?” I explained that there are people who have been harmed through adoption, such as children placed into unsafe homes or birth mothers who regret their decision to place a baby for adoption. I assured him that there were people who did not support adoption. Hub has been an adoptive father for over seven years and had no idea about any sort of anti-adoption movement in the United States.

From what I can tell from glancing over some of the anti-adoption information on the Internet, it sounds like many anti-adoption folks are angry with adoptive parents because they believe that adoptive parents have all the power. If adoptive parents did not pay for adoptions, then the adoption industry would end. Because adoptive parents control the purse strings, they are ultimately responsible for all that is wrong in the adoption world.

I find this viewpoint interesting because I never felt like I had any power when we were going through the adoption process. I had no power to become a parent. I tried in vain to become pregnant for years and never succeeded. Then, I paid thousands of dollars and jumped through a bunch of hoops to get my home study approved, and even that did not result in my becoming a parent. I had to wait … and wait … and wait … for an expecting mother to choose me to parent her unborn baby.

Once I was chosen, I could just as easily be “unchosen.” I parented a baby until he was fourteen days old before I even knew that I would be his forever mother. If his expecting mother had chosen to parent him, or if the adoption agency withdrew its support for some reason, I would be back to square one with no baby but also out thousands of dollars. I was powerless in this situation.

If I wanted to become a mother (and I did – very, very badly), then I was at the mercy of all of these people. If I did not do whatever the adoption agency and expecting mother told me to do, then I would not be able to adopt the baby. Period. Where is the power in that?

Yes, there is a lot wrong in the adoption industry. However, I do not think that adoptive parents are to blame for this. I think that whenever there is money to be made in a situation where people are thinking with their hearts instead of their heads, unscrupulous people are going to take advantage of that situation. They are the ones with the power and the ones who create the problems in the adoption industry.

Photo credit: Lynda Bernhardt

Older Adoptive Parenting: Introducing “Forgetful”, yet Another of the Seven Dwarfs of Menopause

2008-07-23T07:45:02-05:00

Last week I introduced you to the Seven Dwarfs of Menopause: Itchy, Bitchy, Sweaty, Sleepy, Bloated, Forgetful, and Psycho. “Sleepy” was the “menopause dwarf” of the week.. This week “Forgetful” makes its debut.

If we weren’t parenting younger children at this point in our lives, forgetfulness would not be such a huge issue. But we need to keep track of appointments, remember conversations, keep promises, and attend events with our children. This is where the organized person comes out the winner. I’ll admit that I don’t carry around a pocket calendar; I have one calendar hanging on a wall in the kitchen and everything that needs to be remembered gets written on it. That keeps it down to one calendar the whole family can see and use. However there is no guarantee that I’ll remember to look at my calendar first thing in the morning. So I’ve developed a system that works well for me. Let me introduce you to the index card and cupboard door system.

I check my calendar before I go to bed (and usually don’t forget), and on an index card write whatever is important to remember the next day. I tape this card to the outside of the kitchen cupboard door I open frequently. I know, this is not exactly attractive, but who cares? I never miss seeing this card, and I don’t forget what I have to do that day. I don’t put out more than one card at a time.

Now, if I’m away from home when someone tells me something I need to remember, I ask them to call or email me with the information. I also tell them that if I haven’t written it down, I will forget it. That is how I cover my bases.

And what about those commitments we make to our children? If your child can read, once again the index card comes in handy. Write the committment down on an index card, give it to your child, and they become responsible for reminding you about it. The same can be done with your spouse. After all, we can’t keep that many cards around without forgetting where we’ve put them. And if it is really important to your child or spouse, they’ll keep track of the card.

Mothers are often expected to take the role of the memory bank in the family. If we are forgetful enough, those around us will take some responsibility. If we are willing to give up “control” of everything around us, we won’t be so stressed that we’ll forget everything.

To learn more about memory loss, check out this information from Dr. Christiane Northrup about taking soy supplements to improve your memory.

Image Credit: Forget-me-not flowers on flickr

How Can a Foster Parent Discipline a Foster Child

2008-07-22T20:36:05-05:00

“Discipline: The practice or methods of teaching and enforcing acceptable patterns of behavior,” from Encarta Dictionary: English. Notice the contrast between punishment and discipline. Punishment is a penalty for wrongdoing, whereas discipline is to teach proper behavior. Be assured that a new foster child will arrive with plenty of unacceptable behaviors. So many, that you would be constantly criticizing if you chose to address all of them at once. That is why you start with trying to change one or two of the most unacceptable behaviors. How can a foster parent discipline a foster child to cause the change?

I briefly mentioned that discipline is not very effective with a new foster child in an earlier post about corporal punishment. The child doesn’t know you nor does the child know what to expect from you. If the child is new to foster care, you should avoid trying to discipline the child for a while. Give the child time to feel safe and time to learn about your expectations and consequences. If a behavior is not acceptable, first redirect the child to something that is acceptable. When the child is engaged in acceptable play, praise the child for doing so well.

If the child is a tween or teen you can mention why the other behavior was not acceptable, but don’t dwell on it. Allow the new foster child to make choices in the home. I usually ask a new child what her favorite food is. Then I prepare it for dinner or ask her to help me prepare it. If the room has two beds, let her choose her new bed. Simple choices help to empower the child who feels completely powerless. After several weeks, when the child has settled in and begun to develop a relationship, you can begin to discipline.

Linny mentioned standing a child in the corner in a comment on the blog about corporal punishment. She is correct that this works with some child but not with others. I always set the kitchen timer for time outs, one minute for each year old. Therefore, a 10 year old would get 10 minutes. I have also taken away bedtime treat but never a meal, licensing doesn’t allow that. I have removed privileges for the telephone, computer, TV, video games, and driving.

My favorite technique is extra chores, especially when they fit the problem. For example, a child who leaves messes all over the house would need to pick up and vacuum. A child who leaves toys all over the yard can pick up the yard and mow it. A child who rubs BM on the walls can wash the walls. A child who tracks manure through the house can shampoo and mop. I don’t get angry because I don’t have to clean it up. It usually helps to modify the behaviors. Whatever you decide to do be consistent so the foster child always knows what to expect.

Photo Credit Aaron Escobar., Flickr.

Michael Savage.. Autism Due to Bad Fathering

2008-07-22T09:38:45-05:00

Michael Savage has a national radio show. During a July 16, 2008 show (you can listen to above) he called Autism a "fraud" and "racket". He called children with autism "moron", "brat", and "idiots". He claimed that fathers just weren't doing their job. He said:

"I'll tell you what autism is. In 99 percent of the cases, it's a brat who hasn't been told to cut the act out. That's what autism is. What do you mean they scream and they're silent? They don't have a father around to tell them, 'Don't act like a moron. You'll get nowhere in life. Stop acting like a putz. Straighten up. Act like a man. Don't sit there crying and screaming, idiot."

Because Savage pissed off so many people, he issued a statement to clarify what he said.

"My comments about autism were meant to boldly awaken parents and children to the medical community's attempt to label too many children or adults as 'autistic,' Savage wrote on his Web site and read on his broadcast Monday. "Many children are being victimized by being diagnosed with an "illness" which may not exist in all cases. ... Let the truly autistic be treated. Let the falsely diagnosed be free."

There are families actually picketing their local radio stations over Savage's show. And you can help hold Savage accountable. Find your local radio station that carries the show.... and tell them what you think about his ignorant and hurful comments. Parents of autistic children have a hard enough time without this cr#p.

Trauma Tuesday: Traumatized Adopted Child Triggered by Location

2008-07-22T07:45:03-05:00

If you are parenting a traumatized adopted child, you might notice that he becomes agitated if he returns to the city in which he suffered trauma. This happens to me every time I return to my hometown. For about a week before the trip, I struggle with insomnia, nightmares, anxiety, and irritability. To put it more colloquially, I start “wigging out.”

The only reason I put myself through this is that my grandmother, who lives in my hometown, is very old and unlikely to be around much longer. Once she passes away, I doubt that I will ever return to that city. It is just too hard for me, even after years of healing from the child abuse.

Ideally, a traumatized child should be adopted into a home that is far away from where the trauma occurred. Moving to another state is ideal. When I cross the state line to return home from a visit, I can feel my body release over a week’s worth of tension. Seeing that state line makes me feel safe.

The location that triggers a traumatized adopted child does not have to be a specific place, such as the city where the trauma happened. The trigger can also be a similar setup that reminds the child of prior trauma.

For example, I experienced a lot of abuse in basements. For this reason, I am very uncomfortable in any basement, even in the city where I live now, which is far away from where the abuse happened. Whenever a friend gives me a tour of a new house and takes me down the stairs to the basement, I get lightheaded (dissociate) and feel a strong wave of anxiety. I try to remove myself from the situation as soon as possible.

If you notice that your traumatized adopted child get irritable whenever he is in a particular place, ask him if there are any triggers for him in that place. There is no reason to put a traumatized adopted child through having to be triggered by places that remind him of the abuse if this is avoidable.

Photo credit: JulieC

Helping you Decide What Movies Your Adopted Child Should be Allowed to View

2008-07-22T07:45:03-05:00

If you have a computer and internet service, you have probably looked up reviews of movies before you view them. Unfortunately, many reviews don’t tell us enough about a movie to judge its appropriateness for children.Then once you are in the movie theater or have put the video or DVD on in your home, it is hard to change your mind in the middle without significant protest from your child.

Fortunately I came across a recommendation for a website called “Kids in Mind” that will help you choose movies for your child. The website covers new movies and movies on video and DVD, giving detailed descriptions under the categories: sex and nudity, violence and gore, and profanity. For example, this is a portion of the description of the sex and nudity in the movie “Kit Kittredge:”

A wife and husband embrace when he returns from a long trip… A female dance instructor wears culottes (skirt-shorts) that are thigh-high in scenes in where she is practicing dance moves of the 1930s, including some high kicks."

Similar details are found under each of the headings, allowing you to make an informed decision about allowing your child to view a certain movie. This website is a great find; I hope you find it helpful.

Image Credit: flickr

Why Can’t Foster Parents Use Corporal Punishment

2008-07-21T20:57:18-05:00

“Corporal punishment is the deliberate infliction of pain and suffering intended to punish a person or change his/her behavior,” from Wikipedia, the free encyclopedia. Foster parents are not allowed to use any type of corporal punishment. Some examples are spanking, hitting, slapping, or pushing. One of the reasons behind this licensing regulation is that children who have suffered abuse and trauma will not respond to this type of discipline. To them, it is more of the same and puts the foster parents in the same category as the abuser in the child’s eyes.

A child who has been repeatedly hit, spanked, or suffered other physical abuse has probably learned to disassociate from the punishment. When it is over the child may have no conscious recollection of the action. This is the brains way of protecting the child. Therefore, foster parents must typically develop a relationship with the foster child before any disciplinary actions will work. When children enter foster care it can actually take weeks or months before they respond to any discipline.

Say for example the foster parent threatens to take away a bedtime treat. So what, do you know how many meals the child has missed already. Hunger is a familiar feeling; it is what the child expects. The foster parent then decides to take away a toy, or video game time. The child has already lost everything so it is to be expected and has no affect. The parents may have sold new toys received from relatives for birthdays and Christmas to buy drugs, so the child is used to losing toys.

It can take a long time for the foster child to care about the foster parent. Typically, the traumatized child will not respond to the foster parents discipline until that happens. It can be a long road. That is why foster parents cannot use corporal punishment.

Photo Credit Jeff Schwartz, Flickr.

Another Adoption Agency Bites the Dust

2008-07-21T07:45:03-05:00

Unlike some adoption agencies that have had their licenses stripped because of corruption, fraud or unethical practices, “Adoption Blessings Worldwide” (ABW) has relinquished their license to facilitate adoptions. Adoptions that are still in process will be handled by another agency that has yet to be identified by the owner of ABW, Tedi Hedstrom.

For months complaints from Florida and Georgia have reached authorities. One couple, the Ernfridssons, have already paid $40,000 to ABW, but have yet to complete an adoption. Their baby room remains empty and they have spent all of their life savings.

Yes, Adoption Blessings Worldwide did facilitate successful adoptions, but this did not necessarily make it a reliable or ethical agency. Even the worst of agencies can pull off adoptions, but ultimately the number of people who have serious problems increases and eventually, although sometimes not quickly enough, the truth is revealed and the agency closed down.

Apparently several couples are filing lawsuits against Adoption Blessings Worldwide, and some, like the Ernfridssons want to get their money back. Hopefully they will do business with a reliable agency next time, and successfully complete an adoption.

As I wrote on my blog about choosing an adoption agency, you must do your homework. In addition to checking with the Better Business Bureau in every state an agency is licensed, ask to speak to several couples who have used their services, including couples who have had difficult adoption processes. How an agency handles crises will tell you a lot about their capability and integrity.

Tedi Hedstrom’s lawyer says that she has been

… praying that God give her direction in regards to the future.”

I suggest that Tedi apologize to each of the couples personally and publicly, and spend as much of the rest of her life as necessary repaying the money she took (stole) from hopeful couples.

Image Credit: flickr

Medicating the ADHD Adopted Child for Summer Camp

2008-07-21T07:45:02-05:00

Last week, I posted a link to a Newsweek article that explored the pros and cons of taking a child with attention-deficit hyperactivity disorder (ADHD) off their ADHD medication during the summer while they attend sleep away camp. As a parent of an adopted child with ADHD, this is an issue that I deal with as well, although my son does not attend sleep away camps. At seven years old, I only send him to half-day summer camps. However, the same issue applies.

Parents who were interviewed for the article provided their reasons for taking their children off their ADHD medications for summer camp. Those reasons included wanting to give their child a break from the medication, wanting to enable the child to sleep and eat better (stimulant ADHD medication frequently causes lack of appetite and insomnia), and not wanting their child “labeled” by camp counselors.

Personally, I believe it is a big mistake to send a child with ADHD to summer camp without his ADHD medication. My number one reason, which trumps all other considerations, is safety. Children with ADHD have impulse control issues. Why do we want to send an unmedicated child with impulse control issues to a place where he can easily hurt himself or somebody else through his impulsivity?

Most sleep away summer camps involve water. We do not want the ADHD child doing something impulsive that results in drowning himself or someone else. In addition, children at summer camps are not going to be supervised as closely as they are at home or at school.

In addition, the camp counselors are often high school or college age students rather than professional teachers. This means that the camp counselors are unlikely to have professional training in how to manage a child with ADHD. Heck, I have times after my adopted child’s ADHD medication wears off in which I have a very hard time controlling him as a parent. How can I expect an 18 year old with no experience in working with an ADHD child to handle him?

As far as labeling goes, I am on the opposite side as the parents who do not want their child having a label. I am relieved that my child has a label because that explains why his behavior can be out of control. He is not just some spoiled brat who never heard the word “no” in his life. He has a medical condition that is causing this behavior.

If I sent my adopted child to summer camp without his ADHD medication, he would still be labeled. However, instead of the label being ADHD, it would be “spoiled brat” or something else nowhere near as nice. Bottom line – my son cannot “hide” his ADHD. Whether or not I tell the camp counselors about his label, if he is unmedicated, the label speaks for itself.

Now, I do have to say that if I had to take my adopted child off his ADHD medication for the summer, I would much prefer that somebody else have to spend the day with him. He is very difficult to manage when he is on his “ADHD high,” so I understand why parents of ADHD children would want to do this with somebody else having to deal with the consequences. However, in my opinion, this is not responsible parenting. Responsible parents do not put their children into situations in which they are likely to harm themselves or someone else. It simply is not safe.

Adoptees Mental Health OK, But Parents May Be Crazy

2008-07-21T06:41:52-05:00

Which Foster Child Behaviors Are You Willing to Take On?

2008-07-20T21:59:57-05:00

Has the severity of foster child behaviors been increasing over the years? Some people, including teachers, foster parents, and workers believe that it has. There are those who attribute the increased violence to television and video games. Once the child is in your charge, it may not really matter to you how the behavior developed. What matters is how you are going to deal with it. Of course, being a foster parent severely restricts your ability to discipline the child for dangerous behaviors. Any discipline deemed as too severe, emotionally or verbally abusive, or corporal punishment will result in the foster parent being written up, or worse. All children will test their parents to find boundaries. When foster children test and the parent is restricted in reaction, the behaviors tend to escalate. Unfortunately, one of the only things you can do is call the police when a foster child’s behavior is out of control. If you think maybe you should, then you should. These are some of the things you should think about before fostering children. Which foster child behaviors are you willing to take on?

If things have calmed down at your house, by the time the officer arrives then so be it. You can thank the officer for coming and ask for a report. If things are still out of hand, the officer will handcuff the child if necessary. Either way, you have written documentation of incident. The officer may take the child to the juvenile facility or warn the child that it may happen the next time. The incident could result in a court appearance and possibly fines for the foster child.

Certainly, you can try removal of privileges such as no phone or computer time, but if your child’s behaviors are severe, that probably won’t work. With today’s system the way it is, if you need physically to restrain a child you should have the police on the way. If the child jumps out of the car to walk you had better call the police. I have known two foster families who let the child walk; both were written up over the incident. Inability to discipline is one of the main reasons that teenagers in foster care make so many moves.

When you fill out an application to foster these days you will be asked to fill a box beside each behavior you are willing to accept in a foster child. Some are fire starters, sexually acting out, stealing, runaway, self-abusive, violent, and smoking to name a few. Which of these children are you willing to accept into your home and for how long?

Photo Credit:by MikeWise

Birds of a Feather Flock Together and so Do Foster Children

2008-07-20T21:08:21-05:00

You know the old saying “Birds of a feather flock together,” and so foster child seem instinctively to find each other. Over the years, teenager girls have come and gone. They usually made friends, some more than others did of course. I have always made a point of meeting friends and asking questions. Inevitably, the friends are somehow affected by foster care or adoption. Some are adopted through foster care, part of a foster family, foster child, or they should be. My children always seem surprised when they discover that their new friend is somehow associated with foster care. Over the years, I have realized the truth of the phrase, “Birds of a feather flock together.” Foster children are able to find each other almost intuitively.

The first few times it happened I was a little surprised. The first time one of my teenage girls wanted to spend the night with a friend, I insisted on meeting the family. You see, when children are in foster care, the foster parent is responsible for ensuring their safety. If anything happens to a child while spending the night in an unlicensed home, the foster parent is held accountable. However, licensing will not tell you that your child cannot attend a sleepover; they leave it up to the foster parent. Moreover, licensing always makes of point of telling foster parents not to identify our children as foster children. Well then, you really must let them stay with a friend occasionally.

My daughter and I drove to the friend’s house. We were invited inside and met both the parents. During our conversation, it came up that the new friend and her younger sister were adopted through foster care several years ago. My daughter seemed surprised and later told me that she had no idea.

Photo Credit Kevin Collins, Flickr.

Adoption Baby Names Meaning Loyal: Truman

2008-07-20T07:45:03-05:00

Truman … its meaning is "loyal one" - Think Baby Names

The name Truman is of Old English origin. The name is not a very common one, only reaching the mid-900’s in recent years. See Popular Baby Names.

A couple of famous Trumans are author Truman Capote and U.S. President Harry S. Truman. My son would also like to throw in his friend Truman, but I do not believe that many of you are familiar with this local eight year old.

With the name Truman meaning loyal one, you can give your adopted baby a name that expresses your loyalty to your son. “Loyal one” can also apply to his birth parents – that they will always be loyal to their birth son, even if they are not in their birth child’s day-to-day life.

Running With Scissors Sunday: Picking Your Battles

2008-07-20T06:45:02-05:00

You’ve heard the expression “pick your battles” more times than you’ve wanted to. Basically it means that iinstead of criticizing, disciplining, and admonishing your child for every little thing they do wrong, choose the behavior that is the most bothersome or reprehensible and address it. If you react to every inappropriate action or behavior, your child will respond to nothing. I’ve decided to eliminate "pick your battles" from my vocabulary because these “battles” are rarely resolved successfully when they are addressed as battles. Henceforth I’m going to say, “stepping back, taking a deep breath, and evaluating the situation.”

Here are some examples from the toddler age, when the issues are small but annoying. My tornado toddler is like an octopus with eight legs and can be into multiple things in seconds. She can be pulling food out of the pantry, unrolling a roll of toilet paper, opening the door and running outside, poking our Great Dane in the ear with her finger, and using a chair to climb up on the counter to reach whatever has attracted her attention, all within a five minute period. I could stop and tell her not to do each of these things; truthfully I’ve done this and I feel like I’m “chasing my own tail” – otherwise, totally ineffective. The other option is to put her in time out (not more than one minute for each year of age) for one of these things, probably poking the Great Dane in the ear, as it really hurts our poor doggie. A final option is to step back, take a deep breath, and evaluate the situation. This generally gives insight into why this behavior is happening.

Tornado toddler gets into everything when I’m busy and/or she is bored. I can choose to stop and interact with her, or put her in an area of the house or yard with suitable toys and things of interest that are age appropriate. Yes, I have only one small child at home right now, so it is easier than having multiple children, but ultimately this will save a lot of headaches. Reprimanding a child for multiple things one after another is completely ineffective. In my daughter’s case, it motivates her to be even more mischievous. Bored children know exactly how to get attention and they care not if it is negative attention, as long as they are noticed.

Next week I’ll discuss “stepping back, taking a deep breath, and evaluating the situation” with teenagers.

Other "Running With Scissors:"

The Scream

Mom Learns the Hard Way

Being Contrary

Image Credit: wikipedia