Dear Adoption Maharishi,

My husband and I have completed our home study to adopt an infant. The next step is to write a “Dear Birth Mom” letter. Should we mention infertility in the Dear Birth Mom letter?

~ Hoping to Adopt

A reader found Adoption Under One Roof seeking the answer to the question of whether you can love a baby conceived by rape. The short answer is absolutely yes. A baby is not responsible for his or her conception, and the moment of trauma that resulted in the baby’s conception does not define who that baby will become. I cannot tell by the inquiry whether the question was posed by a woman in crisis pregnancy or a hopeful adoptive parent, so I will address the question from both angles.

Crisis Pregnancy

If you are a woman in crisis pregnancy after a rape, I am so sorry for all that you have suffered. I, too, have been raped (although I did not conceive a baby), so I understand some of the trauma that you are suffering through. I strongly encourage you to enter into therapy to help you work through the many emotional aftereffects of rape.

The fact that the baby you are carrying was conceived by rape is understandably distressing (to say the least). Try to remember that the baby is also yours, and the baby did not ask to be conceived. The baby had no control over its origins, and he or she should not have to suffer for the terrible crime committed by the birth father.

As many of my adoption friends and family know, my partner and I started on the adoption journey a little over 2 years ago. We have been scammed out of money and emotionally scammed by parents looking to "give up" their unborn child. This is the story of our adoptions and a story of fate. I read April and Jayne’s amazing adoption story on a yahoo group that I belong to and begged them to share it with Ouradopt readers. Their story helps us to remember that when the time and the child are right, our adoption will happen. It can be difficult to keep that perspective when you are the one waiting to be chosen.

Last January, after the loss of our first child place with us (her mom changed her mind and took her home and the child passed away of SIDS), Jayne and I decided that we would become foster parents and foster to adopt. A private adoption would require money that we no longer had due to our failed adoptions. We knew that fostering would take it's toll on us emotionally but we were ready for it. We began our long and frustrating road down getting our license.

It was also last January that we received a phone call that changed our lives. A co-worker called about a baby boy being put up for adoption by a family member. Nolan was born three weeks later. We love our son he is the light in our lives but we knew we had more love to give so we continued on our foster licensing quest. .

A reader found Adoption Under One Roof seeking the answer to the question of whether a child can be traumatized by meanness. The answer is yes, depending upon the level of meanness. However, the level of meanness that I, as an adult survivor of child abuse, think of, is probably much “meaner” than what the average person thinks about as “meanness.”

Meanness is relative. My adopted child would tell you that I am “mean” when I take away his Nintendo DS for bad behavior. I tell my son that it is my job to be “mean” sometimes as I help him learn the differences between appropriate and inappropriate behavior. Being “mean” by enforcing rules is not traumatizing. However, there are levels of meanness (referred to as emotional abuse) that can be extremely traumatizing.

How many of you are already taking your preschooler to the dentist to have cavities filled? Or even your toddler? Is there anything you can do about that?

There sure is, and I’ll say it simply: little to no candy, and brush their teeth until they are 12. Sound ridiculous and impossible? It isn’t. I’ve done it.

Firstly, don’t buy them candy, don’t reward them with candy, and don’t keep candy in the house. Since I’m a diabetic, there is no candy in our house – period. The more candy children have, the more they crave it. Having candy at Halloween and other special occasions such as birthdays will not set that craving in motion. It is the chronic eating of candy that makes them want it more and begins the swift decay of your child’s teeth.

I’ll admit that I was a candy fanatic as a child – I loved the taste of sugar. It began when I was a young child and lasted until I finally kicked the addiction about 6 months ago because of my diabetes.