Adoption_Maharishi's blog

DEAR ADOPTION MAHARISHI: Should I Travel Alone With my Child to Guatemala?

2008-11-19T15:07:05-06:00

Dear Adoption Maharishi,

I adopted my son from Guatemala when he was nine months old; now he is three and one half years old. Since bringing him home, I’ve been longing to take him back to Guatemala to visit his foster parents and do some traveling. Friends of mine say it is too dangerous for a single woman to travel in Guatemala with a child right now. What do you think? ... Concerned

Dear Concerned,

As a single parent or any parent for that matter, it is always wise to be cautious when you are considering taking your child on a trip to a foreign country alone, especially a third world country. Yes it is done, and I met many wonderful, strong and independent single moms who traveled alone to Guatemala for adoption purposes, although not any who did sightseeing beyond going to Antigua, a city close to Guatemala City. Many parents of children adopted from Guatemala have traveled back to Guatemala with their children and had a greatl time. It is not too far and quite affordable. That being said, here are a few things that you should consider:

1. A woman traveling alone in a third world country is vulnerable; consider taking along someone else or another family who have also adopted from Guatemala.

2. If you get sick (not uncommon when you travel and experience new food, water and climate) who will take care of you and your son? Another reason to have someone else along.

3. Plan your trip carefully; do not use public transport if possible and make sure someone knows where you are going to be at all times. You can buy an inexpensive cell phone in Guatemala.

4. You and your child should be immunized for Hepatitis A &B. You should also be aware that TB (Tuberculosis) is very common in Guatemala, along with many communicable diseases eradicated in the U.S. years ago.

5. Guatemala is a wonderful country with kind, gentle and friendly people for the most part, but the reality is that there is violence, sometimes random, brought on by gangs, drug dealers, unemployment and poverty. As adopting parents staying in sheltered hotels in Guatemala City or Antigua, this is not so evident.For example, recently an Israeli tourist travelling with her boyfriend was robbed and raped right outside the UNESCO World Heritage Site on a secondary road near Antigua.

6. Your son is only three and one half, and may not remember much from this trip except what you will tell him about it. You might consider waiting until he is a little older.

I certainly don’t want to discourage you from taking a trip, but want you to be aware of the risks of traveling to Guatemala alone or with others for that matter. The U.S. Embassy in Guatemala has up to date information on reported incidents happening to tourists in Guatemala. To give a balanced view, I suggest you read Lee’s fascinating series on our website about travelling to Guatemala with his son, partner and friends this last summer. They had a wonderful time and the trip was incident free.

I hope this has been of some help.

Sincerely,

Adoption Maharishi

Dear Adoption Maharishi: Can a Biological Parent Block a Stepparent Adoption?

2008-11-12T09:36:24-06:00

Dear Adoption Maharishi,

Can a biological father disagree with, or stop a stepparent adoption?

--Roadblock Ahead?

Dear Roadblock Ahead?,

In order for an adoption to be complete you must have the consent of both biological parents, this holds as true for private adoptions, as it does for both kinship and stepparent adoptions. The non-custodial parent has to agree to the adoption, or the custodial parent must prove the non-custodial parent to be an unfit parent in order to have his or her parental rights terminated, which will allow for the adoption to go forward without requiring the non-custodial parent’s consent.

Proving a parent unfit can be a long and costly process, not to mention difficult. Remember it is not the non-custodial parents burden to prove why he or she should continue to be allowed parental rights to the child in question, it is up to you to prove, beyond a reasonable doubt that the non-custodial parent continuing to be in the child’s life would be detrimental to his or her health and wellbeing.

Often times the non-custodial parent has closed contact completely with both the custodial parent and child, causing the family to feel pitiable and pathetic, powerless to advance the adoption and their own lives without the capacity to obtain the necessary signatures from the non custodial parent. However, hope should not be tossed to the trash so swiftly; it is not yet as disposable as cell phones, laptops, nor the season’s latest fashions. A stepparent adoption can still be completed even when the non-custodial parent is nowhere to be found, if the court feels that it is in the best interest of the child.

If Searching for the non-custodial parent turns up nothing but dead ends and wasted hours, you can still pursue a stepparent adoption, the process is just going to be longer, more involved, and of course cost more money! Once you are able to prove to the court that you have diligently searched for the non-custodial parent and come up empty handed each and every time you will then be off to write another check to your lawyer to file a public notice.

A public notice, explaining the proposed adoption arrangement must be published in the newspaper, and it will appear however often as the paper is run, for approximately 30 days (each state differs slightly.) During the time that the notice is run, as well as 7-14 days after the last appearance, the non-custodial parent has an opportunity to see and respond to the notice either giving his or her consent to the adoption, or contesting the adoption. If no response is received, the adoption process will then move forward as though the child has been abandoned.

Do you have a question for the Adoption Maharishi? Please email your question to advice@ouradopt.com.

Image Credit: JulieC

Dear Adoption Maharishi: What Should I Include in My Autobiography on My Adoptive Homestudy Application?

2008-11-05T18:32:06-06:00

Dear Adoption Maharishi,

“I have decided to begin the adoption process. My agency gave me a large packet of paperwork to fill out. They said that they would use this information to help complete my adoptive homestudy. One of the sections that I need to complete is an autobiography section and a list of my strengths and weaknesses. There are not any questions to answer so where should I begin and what should I include in my autobiography? I really want to be approved to adopt but I am afraid if I tell them about some of my escapades during high school and college. Will they think I am a bad person and not approve me if I tell them about that stuff and about my real weaknesses?
Signed,

Wanting to adopt

Dear Wanting to adopt,

Congratulations on beginning your adoption journey it is an exciting time for you. While adoption is exciting, it is also a time of self-doubt, self-examination, waiting, and worrying. Your thoughts are similar to those experienced by every other adoptive family. We all have made choices in our past of which we are not proud. The question is have we grown or learned from our mistakes?

Most social workers want to know that you are being honest with them. If you fail to divulge any mistakes you have made in your past, the worker may wonder what else you are hiding. Tell a little about your childhood, include how your parents disciplined you, and what your relationship with them was like. Give a few examples of why you feel your relationship was good or bad. Tell about major events that happened in your life. Specifically share those that influenced who you are today, and those that influenced you to pursue adoption.

If you have a close friend who knows you well, ask that person to help you you’re your list of strengths and weaknesses. Your friend will need to be honest so only ask someone with whom your relationship is strong. Think about things that you do very well and things that you let someone else do, or hire done. Again, try to be honest.

Good luck to you in your adoption journey.

Other Blogs of Interest

Ask the Adoption Maharishi: Husband Has Felony, Can We Adopt?
Background Checks and Money Orders

Who are we?

This blog is written by multiple people and expresses our opinions and thoughts about a specific situation. We include adoptive and birth family members.

Our sense of humor led us to select this user name. Dear Adoption Maharishi can be abbreviated as DAM. We are being a little punny. Dam can be defined as a female parent and we are all female.

Do you have a question for the Adoption Maharishi? Please email your question to advice@ouradopt.com.

Image Credit: JulieC

Dear Adoption Maharishi: Why Do Judges Give Back Children to Bio Parents From Foster Care?

2008-10-22T09:45:11-05:00

Dear Adoption Maharishi,

Why do judges give back children to the biological parents from foster care? I understand when the biological parent does what is expected, but I hear about children who go back and forth from foster care to their biological parents, and the biological parents never change. Why do judges think this is a good idea?

-- Frustrated

Dear Frustrated,

I am frustrated right along with you. Even my crystal ball cannot explain why some judges continue to hold onto the erroneous belief that living with a biological relative outweighs the need to be safe.

Unfortunately, according to the law, children are the “property” of the parents. Until a person reaches the age of 18, he and his belongings are “owned” by the parents or guardians. For example, a 16-year-old child cannot legally own a car. The parents own the car until the child turns 18. The parents can legally take away the car or do anything they want with it, even if the child earned the money to pay for it, because the parents “own” both the child and the car. The parents also “own” all of the child’s wages.

Fortunately, we do have laws about the way people can treat their children, so the State will step in and remove a child from an unsafe home. However, the biological parents must have due process of law before they can “lose ownership” of their children. A judge determines that if the parents do X, Y, and Z, then they can “earn” their children back.

The obvious problem is that children are not property. They are human beings whose needs do not conveniently stop while they wait for their biological parents to get their acts together. And no matter what steps a biological parent takes to change, some actions cannot be undone. For example, once a parent has sexually abused a child, there is nothing that the biological parent can ever do to get back to a healthy relationship with that child. No amount of therapy or jail time can ever undo what has been done to the child.

Until judges wake up and recognize that a biological connection does not outweigh the need for safety, judges will continue to give back children to the biological parents from foster care, even when doing so is not in the best interest of the child. We, as a society, need to speak out against this. We need to contact our representatives and change the laws. We need to educate society about the needs of foster children. Until we do, I fear this practice will continue indefinitely.

Who are we?

This blog is written by multiple people and expresses our opinions and thoughts about a specific situation. We include adoptive and birth family members.

Our sense of humor led us to select this user name. Dear Adoption Maharishi can be abbreviated as DAM. We are being a little punny. Dam can be defined as a female parent and we are all female.

Do you have a question for the Adoption Maharishi? Please email your question to advice@ouradopt.com.

Image Credit: JulieC

Ask the Adoption Maharishi: Are we too old to Adopt?

2008-10-15T07:45:04-05:00

Dear Adoption Maharishi,

My husband and I have been married for ten years. I am 49 and he is 52. We didn’t want to have children up until now, but have recently decided that we would like to adopt a toddler from Ethiopia. Some of our family members and closest friends we have confided in have told us that we are too old to start. We feel that we have the energy and desire to parent, what do you think?

Confused

Dear Confused,

As a 55 year old parenting a toddler, I’m going to tell you right off the bat that you are not too old to parent. If you are in relatively good health, energetic, and don’t mind giving up on sleep and free time for several years, you are good to go. I’ve known people who have adopted children well into their sixties as well as people who are fostering children at those ages as well.

As for well meaning friends and family, I suggest that you ignore their remarks. The decision to parent a child is a very personal one and frankly, none of their business. If they really care about you, they will honor your decision to parent and offer some free babysitting down the line. There are many naysayers out there who told me that I would be exhausted and regret adopting at an older age. That is a lot of balderdash. If you feel that you have the energy and the desire to parent, then you should go ahead with your adoption plans. Also, the fact that you are both eager to adopt is wonderful – you will be partners in parenting. As an older couple, you will need to have guardians in place in case something happens to you. The social worker will ask you about this during the homestudy.

I would strongly suggest getting some experience taking care of small children and going to parenting classes if you haven’t had experience with children. Additionally, prepare yourself well for adopting a child, and all that entails. Your adoption agency should provide classes and recommended readings, especially in the area of transracial adoption.

Even after you bring your child home, people may make remarks about your age and your decision to adopt. Best to prepare yourself for these and eventually they won’t bother you as much. I must admit that I no longer notice the stares like I did in the beginning when I was out in public with my daughter.

I want to wish you a speedy and successful adoption.

Adoption Maharishi

Dear Adoption Maharishi - Under 18 and Pregnant Who Decides on Adoption Me or My Parents?

2008-10-09T00:15:38-05:00

Dear Adoption Maharishi,

If you are under 18 and you get pregnant, can your parents give your baby up for adoption even if you don’t want them to?
Possibly Pregnant :0(

Dear Possibly Pregnant,

Being pregnant is scary at any age, but it is absolutely terrifying to be pregnant as a teenager! While telling your parents about your possible pregnancy can seem like an impossible task, and may very well result in some unpleasantness as they try to absorb the idea of their baby having a baby; pregnancy is not something that you can handle all on your own. So albeit petrifying, it is absolutely imperative to tell your parents that you are pregnant, even if you are afraid of what their reaction might be; like deciding to place your baby for adoption even if adoption is against your wishes.

If it happens to turn out that you actually are pregnant, then congratulations you're a mom now! You are carrying a life inside you, a child, your child and just as your parents are your legal guardians, you are the legal guardian to your child. You are the decision maker for the life that is growing inside you, and if adoption becomes your plan for how your child will be raised, then it is your signature, not the signature of your parents, that is needed to complete a legal adoption.

Even though you are a minor and are still under the care of your parents, you are the guardian of your own child and it will be up to you as to what happens to your child. Your parents may have strong opinions as to what you should do, but they cannot arrange for your baby to be adopted without your consent, only you can make an adoption plan for your child.

Image Credit: JulieC

Dear Adoption Maharishi: Is There a Way I Can Contact My Sister Who Was Adopted Through Foster Care?

2008-10-01T15:02:25-05:00

Dear Adoption Maharishi,

“I have a sister that I’ve never met before, she is older than me by a few years. She was adopted and the adopted family moved out of town and never got back in contact with my mother. We have been hoping she would find us but we really would like to find her. I don’t know whether or not her foster parents even told her that she was adopted.

Concerned Sister ,Crystal

Dear Crystal

Your loss is real and unfortunately it is quite common in the U.S. foster care system for siblings to be split for adoption, especially if one is significantly younger. Where there is a sibling split, the agency usually encourages the adoptive families to work out an informal contact arrangement. If that isn’t possible, the agency that handled the adoption will usually forward letters from siblings to the adoptive parents. The agency will also forward letters from parents, grandparents, or other relatives to the adoptive families.

While you can send letters to the agency, and the agency is obligated to forward them, the adoptive parents have no obligation to show the letters to your sister. It is 100-percent the adoptive parents’ choice. Also, keep in mind that even the agency may not have a current address for the adoptive family. However, if you know the agency, and it sounds like your mother does, I would try this option first.

If that doesn’t work, most states offer an adoptee registry. You can file a document with the state where the adoption occurred, indicating that you give permission for your contact information to be given to any sibling. If, at some point, your sister does the same, the state will notify both of you. Of course, in order to file, your sister would need to know that she is adopted. There are families who still pretend that children are not adopted, but they are becoming rare. Eventually, the story seems to leak out from a well meaning relative, or old photos.

Good luck to you in your search and keep us posted.

Who are we?

This blog is written by multiple people and expresses our opinions and thoughts about a specific situation. We include adoptive and birth family members.

Our sense of humor led us to select this user name. Dear Adoption Maharishi can be abbreviated as DAM. We are being a little punny. Dam can be defined as a female parent and we are all female.

Do you have a question for the Adoption Maharishi? Please email your question to advice@ouradopt.com.

Dear Adoption Maharishi: Which US Presidents Touched by Adoption? (Part 2)

2008-09-27T15:42:29-05:00

This is a continuation of Which US Presidents Touched by Adoption? In the first blog on this subject, I managed to get up to the 22nd US President, Grover Cleveland. Cleveland is the only acknowledged birth father. He placed his son for adoption. Here is the question we were asked.

Dear Adoption Maharishi, Adoption has been briefly part of this US Presidental campaign. John McCain's status as an adoptive father is clear. And Barack Obama may have been adopted by his stepfather Lolo Soetoro. There seems to be some uncertainty there.

But all of this made me curious. How many US Presidents have been touched by adoption?

- Presidential Curious

The 29th US President, Warren Harding, may have had a child outside of a marriage with Nan Britton. Harding never claimed the child, Elizabeth Ann, as his daughter. Elizabeth was born in 1919. And she was "given to her aunt and uncle...to be raised". There seems to have been no guardianship or adoption. So this situation seems to have been an informal fostering arrangement. Does anyone really know?

Nan Britton wrote a 'tell all' book, The President's Daughter, in 1927 where she stated that President Harding was Elizabeth's father. And at that point she decided to start parenting Elizabeth again. Elizabeth was 8 years old. I image this change was traumatic for everyone involved.

Just reading between the lines of various articles, I think Nan was overly focused on getting her daughter acknowledged as Harding's daughter. I am partly making this statement because Elizabeth had zero interest in doing DNA testing. She died in 2005.

I am skipping several love-children of various Presidents. There is no proof and these stories don't seem to involve adoption or fostering. But if you want to read about them:

Moving on, to Gerald Ford who was the 38th US President. Ford has something in common with late discovery adoptees. Until he was 17 years old, he thought his father was his biological father. Turns out that Ford was being raised by his stepfather. He didn't have to search very far for his biological father. From wikipedia:

Ford was not aware of his biological father until he was 17, when his parents told him about the circumstances of his birth. That same year his father, Leslie King, whom Ford described as a "carefree, well-to-do man," approached Ford while he was waiting tables in a Grand Rapids restaurant. The two "maintained a sporadic contact" until Leslie King, Sr.'s death.

Now we come to Ronald Reagan, the 40th US President. Reagan and his wife adopted Michael. He is the second US president to become an adoptive father. Andrew Jackson was the first.

Michael Reagan's background is very well known. According to Wikipedia:

He was born in California to Irene Flaugher, a single woman from Kentucky^[1] who became pregnant through an affair with an army corporal named John Bourgholtzer (died 1993), and was adopted by Ronald Reagan and Jane Wyman shortly after his birth.

And last but not least we come to Bill Clinton who was the 42nd US President. I used to think he was adopted by his stepfather. It turns out that he just took his stepfather's last name.

In summary... We have had 43 US Presidents. Two were adoptive fathers. One was an acknowledge birth father. We don't have any adoptees.

Dear Adoption Maharishi: Which US Presidents Touched by Adoption?

2008-09-21T09:07:52-05:00

Mea cupla. I was supposed to get this posted last Wednesday. Life and a staff infection got in my way. The infection is responding to these Sulfameth huge pills, so life is much better now. - AngelaW

Dear Adoption Maharishi, Adoption has been briefly part of this US Presidental campaign. John McCain's status as an adoptive father is clear. And Barack Obama may have been adopted by his stepfather Lolo Soetoro. There seems to be some uncertainty there.

?But all of this made me curious. How many US Presidents have been touched by adoption?

- Presidential Curious

Now you have made me curious. So I poked around and learned a few new bits and pieces. I read History Channel's American Presidents' pages. I spent some quality time at Wikipedia's List of Presidents and List of children of the Presidents of the United States. Then I accidentally found the Presidents' Children.

I always thought of George Washington as an adoptive dad. But he wasn't. He was a stepfather. He helped raise Martha's son and daughter. The son, John "Jacky" Parke Custis, was 5 years old when his mother married George. He died at 27 years of age of dysentery during the Revolutionary War. He is famous for trying to cheat his stepfather and left behind 4 children. George's stepdaughter, Patsy, died from epilepsy at 17 years of age.

When Jacky died, George and Martha tried to help their daughter-in-law find a home for her 2 youngest children. They temporarily took Nelly, almost 2 years old, and Wash, 7 months old. George was unsuccessful at finding the kiddos a home, so he and Martha raised the children. However there was no adoption.

James Madison was the 4th president and also a stepfather. Dorothea Payne Todd "Dolley" Madison was 17 years younger then James. She entered the marriage with an almost 3 year old son.

Andrew Jackson was the 7th president and the first adoptive dad. He was orphaned at 14 years of age. He knew what being alone in the world felt like. And he was ahead of his time. One of the adoptions was transracial.

Andrew and his wife Rachel adopted one of Rachel's nephews. He was named Andrew Jackson, Jr. And they adopted Lincoya, a Creek Indian. There is some irony with this adoption. General Jackson's forces probably killed Lincoya's parents. It was the war of 1812.

When war was declared in 1812 against the British, General Jackson offered his services and became the principal general in the southern front against the British. At the Battle of Horseshoe Bend, Jackson and his Tennessee/Cherokee militia distinguished themselves against the "Red Stick" Creeks. Following the battle, a Native American infant was found in the rubble of the settlement and brought to General Jackson. Jackson adopted the infant named "Lincoya" and took the baby home where he raised him as his own son.

From: TENNESSEE HISTORY

The Jackson family were also guardians for eight other children. I haven't read much on Jackson's life when he was 14 years old. But just based on who he accepted into his home and life... I would say that he was greatly impacted when he became an orphan. These eight children were orphaned nephews of Rachel, orphaned grandnephew of Rachel, and orphaned children of family friend Edward Butler.

James Polk was the 11th president. James and his wife Sarah had no children. But they were guardians for Polk's nephew. So no adoption here.

James Buchanan was the 15th president and never married. He was guardian to 2 nieces. So no adoption here.

some historians do speculate that he was homosexual

from: Wikipedia - James Buchanan

Next is the story of a birthfather. Grover Cleveland was the 22nd president and died in 1889. At 37 years of age he took responsibility and claimed an "illegitimate son" as his own. Then arranged for the child to be adopted.

Grover Cleveland accepted responsibility as father of an illegitimate son born to a widow, Maria Crofts Halpin. It was later learned that the woman in question had ongoing relations with a number of men. Cleveland, the only single man among them, had stepped forward to help with the child, even while uncertain if he was the father. Cleveland arranged for Oscar to be adopted by a wealthy couple in New York after Maria was institutionalized. Oscar reportedly succeeded in an educational career or, by some accounts, as a medical doctor. Other reports have him dying of alcoholism before he turned thirty.

From: President's Children

Continued in Dear Adoption Maharishi: Which US Presidents Touched by Adoption? (Part 2)

Who are we?

This blog is written by multiple people and expresses our opinions and thoughts about a specific situation. We include adoptive and birth family members.

Our sense of humor led us to select this user name. Dear Adoption Maharishi can be abbreviated as DAM. We are being a little punny. Dam can be defined as a female parent and we are all female.

Do you have a question for the Adoption Maharishi? Please email your question to advice@ouradopt.com.

Dear Adoption Maharishi: What Should I Say to an Expecting Mother?

2008-09-10T08:45:03-05:00

Dear Adoption Maharishi,

My husband and I have been matched with an expecting mother. This is our first time through the adoption process, and I am very nervous about meeting the expecting mother. I don’t know what to say and what not to say. Any advice?

-- Hopeful Adoptive Mother

Dear Hopeful Adoptive Mother,

Congratulations on being matched with an expecting mother!! This is such an exciting time but also a nerve-wracking one.

First of all, take some deep breaths. You are going to be okay. The expecting mother is likely just as nervous as you are. After all, she is going to be meeting the people who will be raising her baby. She is likely to have insecurities about what you think of her and be just as concerned as you are about making a good impression.

Think about this first meeting like going on a first date. This might be a good match, or it might be a bad one. As long as you were honest about yourself in your adoptive parent profile, then the expecting mother already likes what she knows about you. Otherwise, she would have chosen another adoptive couple, right?

Bring along a gift for the expecting mother as a token of your appreciation. Anything modest is appropriate, such as a small box of Godiva chocolates. Showing the expecting mother this little bit of consideration will get the meeting off to a good start.

Ask the expecting mother how she is feeling. Most pregnant women have difficult days, particularly toward the end of the pregnancy, so she will appreciate the fact that you care enough to ask.

Begin the meeting by getting to know each other, just as you would with any other first meeting. People feel more comfortable when they have something in common with others, so look for that commonality. Finding things that you have in common will be reassuring for the expecting mother as well as for you and your husband.

The fact that you are going to meet the expecting mother in person implies that this will be either a semi-open or open adoption. How much contact are you hoping to have with the birth mother after the adoption? What expectations, if any, will you have of her? These are the kinds of issues that you will need to iron out before the baby is born. If you will only be meeting once, then this would be a good time to talk about how you see the open or semi-open adoption working.

Most importantly, be yourself. You are going to have a relationship with this woman for the rest of your life, so be who you are without putting on any airs to impress the expecting mother. If this is a good match, then all of you will intuitively know it.

Good luck!!

Who are we?

This blog is written by multiple people and expresses our opinions and thoughts about a specific situation. We include adoptive and birth family members.

Our sense of humor led us to select this user name. Dear Adoption Maharishi can be abbreviated as DAM. We are being a little punny. Dam can be defined as a female parent and we are all female.

Do you have a question for the Adoption Maharishi? Please email your question to advice@ouradopt.com.

Image Credit: JulieC

Dear Adoption Maharishi - My Adopted Child is up All Night!

2008-09-03T09:18:39-05:00

Dear Adoption Maharishi,

We adopted our 14 month old son from Vietnam over two months ago, and he is still not sleeping well at night. Sometimes my husband and I are up over ten times during the night trying to get him back to sleep. I have to return to work in a couple weeks. How can I get my child to start sleeping?

Tired Mommy"

Dear Tired Mommy,

First of all, congratulations on your adoption! With adoption from Vietnam now closed, you must be grateful and relieved that you succeeded in completing your adoption and bringing your son home. Now, back to your question. When we bring home a baby or toddler, their whole life is turned upside down. Even though they are not yet speaking, they are already tuned into their own language, which you may or may not speak. They are used to different sounds and completely different surroundings. I believe they go through a grieving process, and it often manifests itself during the night.

You didn’t mention how he was doing during the day, or how the attachment process was going, but the fact that your son is not sleeping well at night is not at all unusual for a newly adopted child; as a matter of fact it is probably the norm. But I’d also like to suggest that your rule out any physical problems. Your son might have an ear infection that is waking him up, or perhaps reflux. Talk to your pediatrician and make sure your son has a thorough physical.

When your son wakes up at night, for whatever reason, he wants to know that you are there. By responding to his needs, you are proving to him that he can trust you. Therefore it is very important that you do not let him cry it out or be alone when he wakes up. That would be detrimental to your relationship with him and his development.

Let me suggest that if your child is not sleeping in your bedroom, you should bring his bed into your room so he will know that you are close by. Additionally, if you are comfortable with the idea, I’d let him sleep with you. It may help him put himself back to sleep if he wakes up and sees both of you close by. You may also get a good night’s sleep, although be aware that there is an adjustment period for you and your spouse having an infant in the bed.

There are no “magic potions” to put children back to sleep. Some children want to be held, others rocked, and others want the parent to walk back and forth with them. Their waking up is a sign that they need you, and if you want your child to be confident and have a healthy attachment to you, I would continue meeting his needs and doing whatever it takes to put him back to sleep as long as you are not harming him in any way. You may be getting advice from people who have never adopted, telling you that he "should" be sleeping all night at his age. Please ignore this bad advice; no two children are alike, and your child has only been with you for two months.

Regarding going back to work, I realize that this will present a big challenge for you, but especially for him. Now you will be gone during the day and he will have a new caregiver. This may make him even more wakeful at night. Ultimately your toddler cannot magically stop waking at night because you have to go back to work. Two months is a very short time to be settled at night. I understand that some people absolutely have to go back to work for financial reasons, but remember that it is not your child’s fault that you have to go back to work. If there is any way that you can postpone going back to work for a while, I would. You will have more peace of mind and not be so exhausted.

Wishing you the best.

Adoption Maharishi

Reflux in toddlers.

Everything you need to know about ear Infections

Image Credit: Julie C.

Dear Adoption Maharishi: How Long Does it Take to be Matched With a Placement?

2008-08-27T11:52:02-05:00

Dear Adoption Maharishi,

We have been a licensed foster to adopt home for four and a half months now, and haven’t received any calls for placement. We are getting very discouraged and are thinking of switching to a different type of adoption. What can we do to get placements in our home?

--Empty Home

Dear Empty Home,

Waiting is the hardest part of every type of adoption there is! As soon as most families finish the adoption home study process, they are ready to start parenting their child, and the days, weeks, months, or even years spent waiting to be matched with their child are often the most grueling that the family has ever faced. You could switch to a different type of adoption, but keep in mind that you would then be starting the waiting process all over again!

Have you tried contacting your social worker or other foster parents from your parenting classes? Contact some of the other families to see if they have any children yet placed in their homes, if the answer is no at least you know that you are not alone in your wait, if the answer is yes, find out if the children fit any of the parameters that you set for children that you would accept into your home; gender, age, number of siblings, race, etc.

Contact your social worker and discuss your discouragement. Find out if there is any reason that you are not being called, if you are looking for infants only, and they are currently placing only teenagers and school aged children, then you know why you aren’t being called. Your worker may suggest moving certain parameters for faster placements, such as accepting children a year or two older than what you currently do, another race, or who have an older sibling.

While making changes like these will certainly up your chances for a faster placement, it is important not to agree to anything that would later make you uncomfortable, or that you feel you are not able to handle. Don’t tell the social worker that you’ll be happy to accept children who have been sexually abused, if you are not comfortable parenting children who have been sexually abused.

Take some time to re-evaluate what you think you can handle, and what you have learned, over the last six months. Perhaps instead of accepting only girls you are now ready to accept either girls or boys. Maybe instead of your cut off age being 7, you are ready to say 8, or 9. By being a bit more flexible in what you are willing to accept, you should find your worker calling a bit more often to see if you are interested in a placement.

Keep in mind that good social workers are going to do their best to match a child’s personality with those of the available foster parents, and that good matching takes a bit of time. It is better to wait longer for a child that truly is a great fit and addition to the family, than it is to be frustrated and heartbroken time and time again, as child after child that you could never handle, nor have the desire to do so on a full-time basis, comes and goes from your home.

The time will come when your home is alive with foster children, until then enjoy the peace and quiet, spend time with your spouse, decorate the soon to be children's rooms, and fill up your days with activities instead of fretting.

Who are we?

This blog is written by multiple people and expresses our opinions and thoughts about a specific situation. We include adoptive and birth family members.

Our sense of humor led us to select this user name. Dear Adoption Maharishi can be abbreviated as DAM. We are being a little punny. Dam can be defined as a female parent and we are all female.

Do you have a question for the Adoption Maharishi? Please email your question to advice@ouradopt.com.

Image Credit: JulieC

Dear Adoption Maharishi: Continuation of answer to: If we adopt a special needs child, do we "owe" it to them to be their custod

2008-08-20T19:22:34-05:00

Dear Adoption Maharishi,

DH and I are considering (really, in the early stages of considering) a special needs adoption. Specifically, the adoption of a child with limited mental capacity. In other words, this child, even as an adult, would not be expected to be able to care for her own needs. It's a sensitive question, but one that I'm wondering about. What plans do other adoptive parents make for their special needs children? As a special educator myself, I know that residential homes can be a good option for both parent and child, but I feel in my heart that I would be reluctant to place my child in a home. On the other hand, although we ADORE the adopted children we have now, DH and I are very much looking forward to time alone together, to a quiet home and mutual interests and exploring on vacation together and so on once the kids have flown the coop. If we adopt a special needs child, do we "owe" it to them to be their custodial parent forever? What happens when we pass on? When a couple gives birth to a special needs child, the dye is already cast. If an adoptive couple adopts a child, who is later found to have special needs, again, the dye is already cast. But in this instance, we would be CHOOSING a child who does not have the ability to move into a completely independent life-style as an adult. What do other adoptive parents in this situation do?

So what do you think?

Concerned Mom

Dear Concerned Mom,

Last week, I addressed half of this loaded question and promised to finish addressing it this week. Thank you for taking the time to pose a question that many people may have and yet do not know who or how to ask. Again, I’d like to reiterate that it takes a special kind of family to parent this type of special needs child. When choosing to parent a child with a very low IQ you are choosing to make some kind of lifetime parenting commitment to that child. Even if you choose to place the child in adult foster care at some point, and assign guardianship to the county, you will still feel obligated to ensure the child’s safety and wellbeing periodically.

There is some risk involved in placing your learning disabled (LD) child in an adult foster care home when chronological adulthood is achieved. These homes are not like a prison with guards watching over the adults. Many learning disabled adults are able to maintain jobs at places like Goodwill Industries while living in adult foster care. They may ride the city bus to and from work, to go shopping, and to hang out with their friends. You cannot force birth control on these adults so some end up giving birth. Many of these babies end up in foster care; they cannot live with the LD parent in adult foster care. There have also been cases of LD adults having sexual relations with employees of the adult foster care homes. These are not issues that parents like to think about in advance.

If you are able to find an adult foster care home where your adult child is happy then that option may work well for you. You can bring your child home to visit on holidays, and your child can live a relatively independent and fulfilling life the rest of the time. Another option is to find an apartment in a relatively safe area within the city’s bus route. Arrange for the SSI money to go to the guardian who will pay the rent and utilities each month. Then, depending on the LD adult’s ability to manage money, give a grocery allowance either weekly or monthly from remaining funds. If your adult child is able to maintain some employment then that can be extra spending money.

Here is a book that you may find helpful in planning for the needs of your adult child with LD. On Their Own: Creating an Independent Future for Your Adult Child with Learning Disabilities and ADHD

Submitted by FosterMommy on Tue, 07/01/2008 - 22:59. On Their Own: Creating an Independent Future for Your Adult Child with Learning Disabilities and ADHD: A Family Guide author: Anne Ford John-Richard Thompson rating: asin: 1557047596 binding: Hardcover list price: $24.95 USD amazon price: $16.47 USD

Who are we?

This blog is written by multiple people and expresses our opinions and thoughts about a specific situation. We include adoptive and birth family members.

Our sense of humor led us to select this user name. Dear Adoption Maharishi can be abbreviated as DAM. We are being a little punny. Dam can be defined as a female parent and we are all female.

Do you have a question for the Adoption Maharishi? Please email your question to advice@ouradopt.com.

Image Credit: JulieC

Dear Adoption Maharishi: If we adopt a special needs child, do we "owe" it to them to be their custodial parent forever?

2008-08-14T11:50:51-05:00

Dear Adoption Maharishi,

“DH and I are considering (really, in the early stages of considering) a special needs adoption. Specifically, the adoption of a child with limited mental capacity. In other words, this child, even as an adult, would not be expected to be able to care for her own needs. It's a sensitive question, but one that I'm wondering about. What plans do other adoptive parents make for their special needs children? As a special educator myself, I know that residential homes can be a good option for both parent and child, but I feel in my heart that I would be reluctant to place my child in a home. On the other hand, although we ADORE the adopted children we have now, DH and I are very much looking forward to time alone together, to a quiet home and mutual interests and exploring on vacation together and so on once the kids have flown the coop. If we adopt a special needs child, do we "owe" it to them to be their custodial parent forever? What happens when we pass on? When a couple gives birth to a special needs child, the dye is already cast. If an adoptive couple adopts a child, who is later found to have special needs, again, the dye is already cast. But in this instance, we would be CHOOSING a child who does not have the ability to move into a completely independent life-style as an adult. What do other adoptive parents in this situation do?

So, what do you think?

Concerned Mom

Dear Concerned Mom,

Not every family is cut out for parenting a very special child such as those with Down syndrome, Spina Bifida, Angel Man Syndrome, and Shaken Baby Syndrome to name a few. There is definitely a need for families who are willing and able to do so. The families who parent these children often express receiving so much more love than they give. The satisfaction of providing a nurturing environment must be high, as families seem rarely to stop at adopting just one child with a very low IQ. You are wise to educate yourself on the availability of services and interventions before matching for an adoption. Providing intensive services from day one of placement is one of the keys to helping a special needs child actualize his potential. While the child may need a guardian, SSI, and other community services as an adult, the guardian does not have to be a parent. It can be a sibling, friend, or county guardian. Options for living arrangements include Adult Foster Care, apartment with services, or paying rent to the parents and continuing to live at home.

Contact providers in your area before your child arrives once you are matched and know either the diagnosis or some of the child’s needs. If the child is 0 to 3 schedule an evaluation with Early-on, they provide developmental and physical therapy. For older children contact your local school district. A three year old can have an IEP and be transported to the school for speech therapy, PT, and OT or even attend an impaired class for preschoolers. Does your area have a developmental center for special needs children to attend? They may have all day classes, all year long, with special programs for vision or hearing impaired children as well as many other special needs. These schools are often for children who cannot be mainstreamed. Talk to your pediatrician about your new child and the referrals that you want set up. Some referrals to pediatric specialists can take months so don’t wait to request neurologist, cardiologists, orthopedics, ophthalmologists, to name a few.

Apply for Social Security for a dependent child with special needs. If your income makes you ineligible at this time, remember to reapply when your child turns 18. Whether your child lives elsewhere or at home, SSI can send rent payments to the parents or guardian to help with living expenses. Contact your community mental health provider to ask about respite care funds. The money is based on the child’s special needs and not the family income. A set amount will be provided each month to allow you to hire someone to watch your child. You can go on vacation, grocery shop, or just take a break each month once your child is approved.

Does your family have a Last Will and Testament? You need one and while you are at it, make it a living trust. Typical families have Wills that say something like, “All assets will be disbursed to the heirs upon the 25th birthday of the youngest heir.” That just doesn’t work for those who have a 20-year or more age span between the youngest and oldest child. A living trust can be set up to split into multiple trusts upon the death of the parents. This split, will allow for individual payouts to each child as each one reaches an age of maturity that the parents determined. For children with very low IQs or severe special needs the trust can be set up to never pay out in full. A trustee, named by the parents, will approve the withdrawal of funds as needed for care, travel, and living expenses. The special needs child will never have full access to the money. This is necessary for several reasons. If an adult has money in the bank, it will prevent eligibility for Medicaid and SSI. When the money is controlled by an irrevocable trust the adult remains eligible for these services and payments. People can and will take advantage of your low IQ adult child. Your adult child would probably give the money to any person who asked for it, spend it on candy, lose it, or have it stolen. Then of course, it benefits no one. Between the trustee and the guardian, your adult child with disabilities can be well provided for, years after you are gone.

I’m going to finish addressing this very important issue in another post as this one is becoming too long. Thank you so much for bringing up this difficult topic that many parents wonder about, but may not know who or how to ask.

Who are we?

This blog is written by multiple people and expresses our opinions and thoughts about a specific situation. We include adoptive and birth family members.

Our sense of humor led us to select this user name. Dear Adoption Maharishi can be abbreviated as DAM. We are being a little punny. Dam can be defined as a female parent and we are all female.

Do you have a question for the Adoption Maharishi? Please email your question to advice@ouradopt.com.

Image Credit: JulieC

Dear Adoption Maharishi: Why Blog About Adoption?

2008-08-06T23:14:16-05:00

Dear Adoption Maharishi,

Why write about adoption?
-- Nosy neighbor

[Note this question was received verbally. If someone is reading adoption blogs, they know why people write. This is the answer that I wish I had given.]

I blog about adoption because I want to be included in the conversation. Blogging isn't just about writing. It is about reading, listening, getting pissed off, laughing, and learning. I get to meet and exchange ideas with people that I would never talk to otherwise. And when I get lucky... I build virtual relationships that bloom into face-to-face friendships.

I write about adoption because it touches my life through multiple generations. Just one example... When I was 9-years old, I accidentally discovered my brother was adopted. My mother said it wasn't a secret. And no one talked about it because it wasn't important. Heck, my brother knew he was adopted, but I didn't? Somehow my 9-year-old brain translated this conversation into.... "I don't have a brother anymore." I then went to school and told all my friends that it was so sad. I was brotherless. One of my friends tattled on me to my mother, so she sat me down again and explained adoption.

I blog as a means of paying it foward. There were many families who helped me during my adoption with their stories. I am sharing my experiences in the hopes that someone finds it useful.

One more reason... it is interesting. It seems like there is always something new to learn.

I am not alone. Google's blog search shows 13,429,420 blogs on adoption and 972,463 blogs on foster care.

Image Credit: JulieC

Who are we?

This blog is written by multiple people and expresses our opinions and thoughts about a specific situation. We include adoptive and birth family members.

Our sense of humor led us to select this user name. Dear Adoption Maharishi can be abbreviated as DAM. We are being a little punny. Dam can be defined as a female parent and we are all female.

Do you have a question for the Adoption Maharishi? Please email your question to advice@ouradopt.com.