Dear Adoption Maharishi,

My husband and I have completed our home study to adopt an infant. The next step is to write a “Dear Birth Mom” letter. Should we mention infertility in the Dear Birth Mom letter?

~ Hoping to Adopt

Dear Adoption Maharishi,

My adopted child has learning disabilities, so my husband and I are looking into a private school that specializes in working with children with learning disabilities. I was surprised that the first page of the application asked if the child was adopted and, if so, whether he was aware of his adoption. Are learning disabilities really that common in adopted children? Why do you think the application asked this question?

~ Curious

Dear Adoption Maharishi,   

Recently my 10 year old adopted daughter has been saying “You’re not my real mother” when she is angry at me. I find this very hurtful and so far I’ve not addressed it with her. What should I say to her when she says that?

Signed, Sad Adoptive Mother

Dear Sad Adoptive Mother,

As cruel a remark as this is, it is best not to take it personally. Tweens and teens and younger children for that matter, are very talented at “pressing their parent’s buttons,” and know only too well that a remark like “You’re not my real mother,” gets an adopted parent’s attention very quickly, at least the first couple times they say it.

Additionally, when children are working through adoption issues, they may test and retest their parents’ committment to them. Will you stick by them no matter what or will you leave too? Remember, trust is a huge issue with many adoptees.

Probably a good response to this remark is a calm, quiet, “Of course I’m your real mother and always will be,” and move on. If your child keeps using this remark, tell them it is hurtful and not acceptable and they are not allowed to say it anymore. Then give them examples of words they can use if they are angry with you.

Dear Adoption Maharishi,

After many years of mental torment and agony of dealing with the person I call my mother I decided to attempt to find my roots. Here's the problem in the area of the birth certificate that usually has the doctors name and signature etc. Is has my adopted mothers name. The document appears to be fraudulent but I am told it is not. The other thing that is strange is my adoption was finalized early 1985 but my amended birth certificate was issued just six weeks after I was born. The home study was not performed until after my adoptive parents were chosen to receive me. To really top things off my adoptive parents had only been married for 8 months when they received me. Because of Texas laws my parents were allowed to finalize the adoption in a different county, rather than the one of my birth and of residence. Every time I go to the courthouse my adoption was "finalized in" they cannot tell me anything. Not even if it was indeed the courthouse. I'm at a dead end and I feel as if I am being cheated out of my history. I also would love to know my medical background. The funny part is my adoptive parents know that my birth mother had to have a hysterectomy due to cervical cancer. If anybody has any advice on how to find my birth parents it would be much appreciated even my search agent I hired is pretty much stumped, if we can not get the courts to produce any information I'm screwed. Signed, jmontgomery0627

Dear jmontgomery0627,

We truly understand and sympathize with your grief. One of our partners has a husband in the same boat. He was born in 1964 so the same era. In Michigan, you can pay the court a fee to locate your birthparents. A person at the court locates the birthparents and discusses the possibility of a meeting. Ultimately, it is up to the birthparents. In our case, the birthmother refused to meet. Thus he experienced another humiliating let down. Michigan also has a registry where adoptees, and relatives who know about the child placed, can put their names on a list to be contacted if the other party also puts their name on the list. Unfortunately, I don’t think these lists are very well operated. I bring this up because, Texas may have similar possibilities. Please ask your courthouse if they offer an adoption liaison service, where they anonymously contact the birthparents to request information. They can pull your records to do this. Ironically, we also adopted an infant from Texas.

Dear Adoption Maharishi,

 

We have a student who has encopresis and RAD. What are some effective strategies we can use to help this 10 year old boy reduce these incidents?

 

Signed,

Evansb

 

Dear Evansb,

Congratulations on your steadfast commitment to this 10-year-old child with severe emotional issues. Many caretakers are unable to deal with an older child struggling with encopresis over the long-term. Because of the odor, shock, disgust, and continuously replacing soiled clothing that either will not come clean or refuse to give up their odor. Some children with encopresis issues also paint feces on the wall, rub their poop into carpets, and refuse to clean themselves appropriately afterward soiling undergarments. These children may also place soiled garments into the laundry hamper without rinsing them or disposing of the bowel movement creating a bigger mess by soiling the entire load of laundry. Continuing this behavior problem, especially at school will result in lost, or non-existent friendships, name calling, low self-esteem, shame, guilt, and lost learning time.