Dear Adoption Maharishi,

 

“I have a sister that I’ve never met before, she is older than me by a few years. She was adopted and the adopted family moved out of town and never got back in contact with my mother. We have been hoping she would find us but we really would like to find her. I don’t know whether or not her foster parents even told her that she was adopted.

 

Concerned Sister ,Crystal

This is a continuation of Which US Presidents Touched by Adoption? In the first blog on this subject, I managed to get up to the 22nd US President, Grover Cleveland. Cleveland is the only acknowledged birth father. He placed his son for adoption. Here is the question we were asked.

Dear Adoption Maharishi, Adoption has been briefly part of this US Presidental campaign. John McCain's status as an adoptive father is clear. And Barack Obama may have been adopted by his stepfather Lolo Soetoro. There seems to be some uncertainty there.

But all of this made me curious. How many US Presidents have been touched by adoption?

- Presidential Curious

Mea cupla. I was supposed to get this posted last Wednesday. Life and a staff infection got in my way. The infection is responding to these Sulfameth huge pills, so life is much better now. - AngelaW

Dear Adoption Maharishi, Adoption has been briefly part of this US Presidental campaign. John McCain's status as an adoptive father is clear. And Barack Obama may have been adopted by his stepfather Lolo Soetoro. There seems to be some uncertainty there.

?But all of this made me curious. How many US Presidents have been touched by adoption?

- Presidential Curious

Dear Adoption Maharishi,

My husband and I have been matched with an expecting mother. This is our first time through the adoption process, and I am very nervous about meeting the expecting mother. I don’t know what to say and what not to say. Any advice?

-- Hopeful Adoptive Mother

Dear Adoption Maharishi,

We adopted our 14 month old son from Vietnam over two months ago, and he is still not sleeping well at night. Sometimes my husband and I are up over ten times during the night trying to get him back to sleep. I have to return to work in a couple weeks. How can I get my child to start sleeping? 

Tired Mommy"

Dear Tired Mommy,

First of all, congratulations on your adoption! With adoption from Vietnam now closed, you must be grateful and relieved that you succeeded in completing your adoption and bringing your son home. Now, back to your question. When we bring home a baby or toddler, their whole life is turned upside down. Even though they are not yet speaking, they are already tuned into their own language, which you may or may not speak. They are used to different sounds and completely different surroundings. I believe they go through a grieving process, and it often manifests itself during the night.

You didn’t mention how he was doing during the day, or how the attachment process was going, but the fact that your son is not sleeping well at night is not at all unusual for a newly adopted child; as a matter of fact it is probably the norm. But I’d also like to suggest that your rule out any physical problems. Your son might have an ear infection that is waking him up, or perhaps reflux. Talk to your pediatrician and make sure your son has a thorough physical.

When your son wakes up at night, for whatever reason, he wants to know that you are there. By responding to his needs, you are proving to him that he can trust you. Therefore it is very important that you do not let him cry it out or be alone when he wakes up. That would be detrimental to your relationship with him and his development.

Dear Adoption Maharishi,

 

We have been a licensed foster to adopt home for four and a half months now, and haven’t received any calls for placement. We are getting very discouraged and are thinking of switching to a different type of adoption. What can we do to get placements in our home?

--Empty Home

Dear Empty Home,

Waiting is the hardest part of every type of adoption there is! As soon as most families finish the adoption home study process, they are ready to start parenting their child, and the days, weeks, months, or even years spent waiting to be matched with their child are often the most grueling that the family has ever faced. You could switch to a different type of adoption, but keep in mind that you would then be starting the waiting process all over again!

Dear Adoption Maharishi, 

DH and I are considering (really, in the early stages of considering) a special needs adoption. Specifically, the adoption of a child with limited mental capacity. In other words, this child, even as an adult, would not be expected to be able to care for her own needs. It's a sensitive question, but one that I'm wondering about. What plans do other adoptive parents make for their special needs children? As a special educator myself, I know that residential homes can be a good option for both parent and child, but I feel in my heart that I would be reluctant to place my child in a home. On the other hand, although we ADORE the adopted children we have now, DH and I are very much looking forward to time alone together, to a quiet home and mutual interests and exploring on vacation together and so on once the kids have flown the coop. If we adopt a special needs child, do we "owe" it to them to be their custodial parent forever? What happens when we pass on? When a couple gives birth to a special needs child, the dye is already cast. If an adoptive couple adopts a child, who is later found to have special needs, again, the dye is already cast. But in this instance, we would be CHOOSING a child who does not have the ability to move into a completely independent life-style as an adult. What do other adoptive parents in this situation do? 

So what do you think?

            Concerned Mom

Dear Concerned Mom,

Last week, I addressed half of this loaded question and promised to finish addressing it this week. Thank you for taking the time to pose a question that many people may have and yet do not know who or how to ask. Again, I’d like to reiterate that it takes a special kind of family to parent this type of special needs child. When choosing to parent a child with a very low IQ you are choosing to make some kind of lifetime parenting commitment to that child. Even if you choose to place the child in adult foster care at some point, and assign guardianship to the county, you will still feel obligated to ensure the child’s safety and wellbeing periodically.

There is some risk involved in placing your learning disabled (LD) child in an adult foster care home when chronological adulthood is achieved. These homes are not like a prison with guards watching over the adults. Many learning disabled adults are able to maintain jobs at places like Goodwill Industries while living in adult foster care. They may ride the city bus to and from work, to go shopping, and to hang out with their friends. You cannot force birth control on these adults so some end up giving birth. Many of these babies end up in foster care; they cannot live with the LD parent in adult foster care. There have also been cases of LD adults having sexual relations with employees of the adult foster care homes. These are not issues that parents like to think about in advance.

Dear Adoption Maharishi,

 

“DH and I are considering (really, in the early stages of considering) a special needs adoption. Specifically, the adoption of a child with limited mental capacity. In other words, this child, even as an adult, would not be expected to be able to care for her own needs. It's a sensitive question, but one that I'm wondering about. What plans do other adoptive parents make for their special needs children? As a special educator myself, I know that residential homes can be a good option for both parent and child, but I feel in my heart that I would be reluctant to place my child in a home. On the other hand, although we ADORE the adopted children we have now, DH and I are very much looking forward to time alone together, to a quiet home and mutual interests and exploring on vacation together and so on once the kids have flown the coop. If we adopt a special needs child, do we "owe" it to them to be their custodial parent forever? What happens when we pass on? When a couple gives birth to a special needs child, the dye is already cast. If an adoptive couple adopts a child, who is later found to have special needs, again, the dye is already cast. But in this instance, we would be CHOOSING a child who does not have the ability to move into a completely independent life-style as an adult. What do other adoptive parents in this situation do?

 

So, what do you think?

 

 

Concerned Mom

Dear Adoption Maharishi,

Why write about adoption?

-- Nosy neighbor

[Note this question was received verbally. If someone is reading adoption blogs, they know why people write. This is the answer that I wish I had given.]

Dear Adoption Maharishi,

Before signing with an adoption agency to adopt a baby, my husband and I always thought we would have a closed adoption. We had never even heard of any other type of adoption until going through the home study. The social worker is telling us that most adoptions with this agency are semi-open. If we insist upon a closed adoption, we will be waiting a long time for a match.

I don’t know if I want to commit to sending pictures and letters for my child’s entire lifetime. Also, won’t the pictures just be painful for the birth mother to look at? Is a semi-open adoption really a good idea?

-- Empty Arms in Georgia