Dear Adoption Maharishi,

I placed my baby for adoption when I was a teenager because I was being sexually abused by my father and wanted to “save” her. I chose the adoptive parents myself. I recently reunited with my birth child and was horrified to learn that she had been sexually abused by her adoptive father. I went through the agony of adoption to save my baby from abuse, but she still suffered anyhow. I am wracked with guilt over choosing an abuser to parent my baby. How could this have happened?

~ Distraught

Dear Adoption Maharishi,

I am trying to put together a life book for our 5 year old son who was adopted internationally. Our son's birth/first mom we were told passed away shortly after giving birth to our son and his twin sister. Our son's twin sister also passed away a few days after birth. I'm at a loss as how to explain this to our son or how to begin his life book with such sad news???

Sincerely,

Unsure

Dear Unsure,

Thank you for sharing this difficult and sad dilemma and I hope my suggestions will be of some help to you.

First and foremost, honesty with our adopted children is of the utmost importance. That being said, being sensitive to our children’s emotional age and ability to grasp and process different types of sensitive information is important as well. As the old saying goes, “timing is of the essence.”

Firstly, if you haven’t done this until now, begin discussing your son’s adoption with him casually and in small increments. To children of this age (my adopted daughter is four and a half so I’ve had loads of experience with this), their adoption story is just that at this point in their life – a “story” that they are a character in, UNLESS of course they have an open adoption, which your child and few internationally adopted children have. But if your son had an open adoption he would already know that his birthmother and twin sister passed away after birth so this would not be an issue.

Dear Adoption Maharishi,

I am really bothered by the fact that adult adoptees are denied access to their original birth certificates in many states. I can think of no other group of people who are categorically denied access to their own records without having any say. How can this practice comply with the equal protection clause of the 14th amendment?

~ Frustrated

Dear Adoption Maharishi,

Child abuse seems to be getting a lot more press than it used to. I was wondering if public awareness has had any effect on child abuse statistics. If it has, is it also affecting the number of kids in foster care?

~ Child abuse survivor

Dear Adoption Maharishi,

I am parenting a special needs child that I adopted. My child does not act or react like a typical child, so the tips in the parenting books simply do not work. I am getting frustrated with the judgments of other people (mostly parents) who have no idea what I live with at home. People will comment that my adopted child needs to hear the word “no” when I say, “No!!!!” frequently, sometimes at the top of my lungs. I am pouring so much energy into parenting this child, and yet well-meaning people judge me for doing a “bad” job. I would love for them to live just one day of my life with my adopted child and let them try to do a better job. How can I keep the judgments of other people from getting under my skin?

~ Feeling Judged