abused adopted child

Guest Blog: In Part, To My “Family” by Raquel Perry

Submitted by GuestBlogger on Mon, 09/14/2009 - 04:33

Raquel is an adult adoptee, raised by an abusive family, now raising a family of her own, and searching for her biological roots. She has not located her first family yet however she continues to search; in fact, she is hoping to be on “The Locator.” Born 10/10/68, in Community Hospital of San Gabriel @ 7:37pm. She expresses some of her feelings through poetry that she has published.

 

Late at night, there is no light,

 

And, I am without the comfort of my sight….

 

Once again that wrenching fright,

 

Closing in with all its might….

 

Wishing for someone to hold me tight,

 

To offer some comfort, however slight…

 

 

This is when my mind will sweep,

 

through my past not so sweet.

 

Each cold vision slowly creeps

 

from within my soul which it keeps,

 

those awful memories buried deep. .

Adopted and Abused: How to Prevent Child Abusers From Adopting Children

Submitted by FaithA on Fri, 10/24/2008 - 07:45

On Monday, I wrote about Adopted and Abused: Perspective of Adoptive Parent who was Abused as a Child. Under no circumstances is it okay to provide child abusers access to children, whether through adoption or other means. In this blog entry, I will share my solution for this problem.

As I stated in the comments on Lisa’s blog, I believe that the adoption home study process needs to include a safeguard against pedophiles being approved to adopt children. Unfortunately, simply running a criminal background check is not enough.

The vast majority of child abusers have never been caught, so they will have a clean criminal record. To my knowledge, not one of my abusers was ever arrested for abusing any child, and I was not the only child that they abused. Running a criminal background check is a good first step, but people are foolish to believe that a clean background check is indicative of a person being safe around a child.

My answer is to include an interview as part of the adoption home study process with somebody who was abused as a child and has now healed from the abuse (or is well along the healing process).

Adopted and Abused: Perspective of Adoptive Parent who was Abused as a Child

Submitted by FaithA on Mon, 10/20/2008 - 07:54

Lisa wrote a couple of disturbing blog entries about children who are adopted and then abused by their adoptive parents:

Interesting discussions took place in the comments. Being adopted and then abused is a disturbing topic, and there are no easy answers.

I come to this topic with a unique perspective because I was abused as a child and I am an adoptive mother. So, I have seen both the horror of abuse and the beauty of a good adoption. I would like to share my views on the subject.

As I have mentioned several times, I am very active on a message board for adult survivors of child abuse called Isurvive. On this site, I have met several adult adoptees who were abused by their adoptive families. Some of them started their own thread to talk about the issues unique to those who were adopted and then abused.

Why Would a Parent Adopt and Then Abuse a Child

Submitted by FosterMommy on Fri, 09/19/2008 - 22:46

 Lisa wrote a disturbing blog yesterday, Adopted and Abused, about an adopted child who was severely abused. She wondered why a person would desperately want a child, pursue an adoption, and then abuse the child. I imagine most people in her shoes would be dumbfounded. Those who adopt infants without special needs certainly do cherish every moment with them. Here is a quote from Lisa’s blog.

Trauma Thursday: Body Dysmorphic Disorder

Submitted by FaithA on Thu, 08/07/2008 - 08:45

Traumatized child (c) JulieCI was fascinated by FosterMommy’s post, Could My Adopted Child Have Body Dysmorphic Disorder. I had not heard of the term before. I found the following definition of Body Dysmorphic Disorder (BDD) online:

Diagnostic criteria for 300.7 Body Dysmorphic Disorder

A. Preoccupation with an imagined defect in appearance. If a slight physical anomaly is present, the person's concern is markedly excessive.

B. The preoccupation causes clinically significant distress or impairment in social, occupational, or other important areas of functioning.

C. The preoccupation is not better accounted for by another mental disorder (e.g., dissatisfaction with body shape and size in Anorexia Nervosa).

*Information from p.468, DSM-IV, 1994, American Psychiatric Association

- BDD Central

In FosterMommy’s post, she said…

As an experienced foster parent of teenage girls, I must wonder if [BDD] is also a side effect of suffering early trauma. – FosterMommy

Yes, I definitely see a link between early trauma and BDD because most of the adult survivors of child abuse that I know have some form of BDD.

Trauma Tuesday: Believing Your Traumatized Adopted Child

Submitted by FaithA on Tue, 08/05/2008 - 08:45

Traumatized child (c) JulieCIf you are parenting a traumatized adopted child, he needs you to believe him when he tells you about his trauma history, even when this information might be difficult to believe. People who have never suffered from trauma often have a hard time wrapping their minds around the kinds of evils that can be inflicted upon an innocent child. As a result, the traumatized adopted child feels less comfortable in talking about the traumas that he suffered. If he suffered from a less well-known form of abuse, that memory might eat away at him because he fears that nobody will believe him.

For example, I wrote an article entitled Recovering from Childhood Animal Rape on my personal blog. This topic was part of a short series that I wrote on particularly degrading forms of child abuse. For those of you who have never heard of animal rape, it is when an abuser forces a child to have sexual contact with an animal, typically a dog. To date, that one article has had over 1,200 page views.

Despite the fact that a large number of people have found my personal blog by searching for terms such as “animal rape” or “raped by an animal,” I have received numerous emails from readers who believed that they were the only people to have ever suffered from that form of abuse.

Trauma Thursday: Talking With Adopted Child About Abusive Birth Family

Submitted by FaithA on Thu, 07/31/2008 - 08:54

Traumatized child (c) JulieCIn my last post, Talking About Birth Family With Adopted Child, I referenced the following comment that Amyadoptee left on my blog entry “Secrecy” Versus “Privacy” in Adoption:

The first parents should be spoken with kindness and respect. No matter how you personally feel about them. - Amyadoptee

As I said yesterday, I agree with Amyadoptee in general. However, I disagree when it comes to talking about abusive birth family. I discussed the topic briefly here, but I would like to go into more detail today.

The problem with always speaking with “kindness and respect” about an abusive birth parent is that this is not always what the traumatized adopted child needs. If an adoptive parent always says nice things about the abusive birth family, then the child is going to get the message that you are defending the abuser and invalidating the child’s experience of abuse. This can deeply damage your relationship with your traumatized adopted child.

I cannot tell you how hard it was trying to come to terms with being abused by my mother when 99% of the people in my life would always speak about her with “kindness and respect.”

Trauma Tuesday: Revealing the Traumatized Child’s History

Submitted by FaithA on Tue, 07/29/2008 - 08:00

Traumatized child (c) JulieCIn my last post, Being Truthful With Your Adopted Child About His History, I talked about the importance of being truthful with your adopted child about his history. Those of you who are parenting traumatized children might wonder how much information you should disclose to the traumatized adopted child about the past abuses he suffered, particularly if the child was young when the trauma happened. My answer is that you need to be completely honest with the child in an age-appropriate manner.

Many people mistakenly believe that traumatized children do not remember traumas that they endured when they were very young. I speak from experience – those memories are still held in the traumatized child’s brain. I have recovered memories from as young as 18 months old. They were vivid memories because that is how flashbacks come. I could tell you the details about where I was (my bedroom) and who was harming me (my mother). I could even describe my mother’s hairstyle when the abuse happened as well as the color of the drapes on the windows, even though this first incident happened when I was only a toddler.

Trauma Thursday: Traumatized Adopted Child and Friendships

Submitted by FaithA on Thu, 07/24/2008 - 08:45

Traumatized child

If you are parenting a traumatized adopted child, pay attention to the friends that your child chooses to hang out with. The type of friends that a traumatized adopted child chooses says a lot about the child’s own healing process from the trauma.

I can actually track my healing progress based upon the friendships that I started at various times in my life. My friendships are becoming progressively healthier. This is not to say that all of my “old” friendships are dysfunctional. In some cases, both of us have grown and changed over the years, and the friendship still works. However, I have many other friendships that have fallen by the wayside because either I have “outgrown” the friendship or we have both grown in different directions. I still care deeply about all of my friends, but not every friendship has continued to work as I have healed, grown, and changed.

Many parents fall into the trap of seeing their children as hanging out with a “bad influence. Always remember that your traumatized adopted child chooses his friends.

Trauma Tuesday: Traumatized Adopted Child Triggered by Location

Submitted by FaithA on Tue, 07/22/2008 - 08:45

Traumatized childIf you are parenting a traumatized adopted child, you might notice that he becomes agitated if he returns to the city in which he suffered trauma. This happens to me every time I return to my hometown. For about a week before the trip, I struggle with insomnia, nightmares, anxiety, and irritability. To put it more colloquially, I start “wigging out.”

The only reason I put myself through this is that my grandmother, who lives in my hometown, is very old and unlikely to be around much longer. Once she passes away, I doubt that I will ever return to that city. It is just too hard for me, even after years of healing from the child abuse.

Ideally, a traumatized child should be adopted into a home that is far away from where the trauma occurred. Moving to another state is ideal. When I cross the state line to return home from a visit, I can feel my body release over a week’s worth of tension. Seeing that state line makes me feel safe.

The location that triggers a traumatized adopted child does not have to be a specific place