In a recent comment, John brought up some important questions about birthparent searches:

... is it appropriate for the adoptive parent to do a search if the child hasn't indicated they want a search? Isn't that invading the rights of the child? It is his parent, not the adoptive Mom or Dad's parent. All five of mine came from foster care, a different type of adoption, but all have very strong feelings that searching is their prerogative only. It could be that my kids’ reactions are purely due to their backgrounds. It could also be that by the time the infant adoptees reach teenage and adult years that they too will feel that it is intrusive, and presumptive. Indeed, waiting to search may mean never getting an answer, but isn't the child's sense of his parent respecting him more important?

Let me address John's points one at a time.

Do we  invade the rights of our adopted child when we search for their birthparents without their approval?

I don’t think we are invading the rights of our adopted children when we do this; if anything we are invading their privacy. I believe it is their right to have open birth records and their right to be able to have contact with their birthparents when they so decide and the birthparents are in agreement.

Dear Adoption Maharishi,   

Recently my 10 year old adopted daughter has been saying “You’re not my real mother” when she is angry at me. I find this very hurtful and so far I’ve not addressed it with her. What should I say to her when she says that?

Signed, Sad Adoptive Mother

Dear Sad Adoptive Mother,

As cruel a remark as this is, it is best not to take it personally. Tweens and teens and younger children for that matter, are very talented at “pressing their parent’s buttons,” and know only too well that a remark like “You’re not my real mother,” gets an adopted parent’s attention very quickly, at least the first couple times they say it.

Additionally, when children are working through adoption issues, they may test and retest their parents’ committment to them. Will you stick by them no matter what or will you leave too? Remember, trust is a huge issue with many adoptees.

Probably a good response to this remark is a calm, quiet, “Of course I’m your real mother and always will be,” and move on. If your child keeps using this remark, tell them it is hurtful and not acceptable and they are not allowed to say it anymore. Then give them examples of words they can use if they are angry with you.

Our Guestblogger today is Marjorie Shaw an adoptee in a closed domestic adoption. This is the autobiography of her search for her lost self as an adoptee in a closed adoption. We are delighted that she has given us the opportunity to post her manuscript on our website in segments on Mondays and Fridays. © 2006 All rights reserved

Chapter Twenty- Eight - The Final Chapter - “A Family Found” (continued from here)

Judy forwarded another email she received from the wife of my second cousin in LaCrosse.

Hi Everyone,

I hope I have these email addresses correct. (I think I should keep them outside the computer, because I tend to lose what might be more current.) We did not know that Bob was in the hospital and would continue to live on 7th floor until his death. The last we talked to him was in June. (We always sent him the Cubs baseball schedule and then he called to say, "Thanks". His voice sounded strong, as it always was rather booming. We talked quite a while and he turned down my offer to bring him some meals. He used to go to the Arterial Bar/Restaurant to buy his "tickets" for football and baseball. He was always there on a Wed. a.m. and enjoyed visiting with his cronies. He would leave with a quart jar of home made soup. (The reason I know this is that an investment club that I was in met at 8:00 a.m. once a month on a Wed.} After I resigned from the club, we only kept in touch with an occasional call to him or from Rick. In June when we talked, he said that the owner of the restaurant brought soup to him at home (Charles St.). He felt he was well watched over by neighbors, St. James priests, and the kind minister down the street.

Our Guestblogger today is Marjorie Shaw an adoptee in a closed domestic adoption. This is the autobiography of her search for her lost self as an adoptee in a closed adoption. We are delighted that she has given us the opportunity to post her manuscript on our website in segments on Mondays and Fridays. © 2006 All rights reserved

Chapter Twenty- Eight - The Final Chapter - “A Family Found” (continued from here)

It was Wednesday September 16th when I Googled my Uncle Bob for the heck of it and found an article about him in the WinonaDailyNews.com.

Bob Franke once ran the CB&Q Hudson 4000 steam locomotive engine in 1941 after a short stint as a substitute teacher. “I loved running an engine,” the 91-year-old said,” “I’d do it again, I’m sure, if I was a younger man.”

As if by magic I went back in time and was that little girl who upon hearing the train whistle dropped everything she was doing to sprint out to the front porch of her grandfather’s house in South Pasadena to greet and wave at the smiling conductors who always waved back at her as the train passed by.

It was now Saturday September 19, 2009 and was finally finishing the story of my journey home. I woke up at 4am with the old depression tugging at me and the tears began to flow. Why was I so sad? Was it more grief from my reunion? I found myself as before needing to be alone in my car to drive through the country as I did to the beach in California to cry and scream like I used to do when these sad feelings and raw emotions became overwhelming. Was I sad that my story was over and I knew I would never meet my Uncle Bob. Think of the good not the bad kept running through my mind. Be thankful for what you have and don’t obsess over the love of the people you don’t have I kept telling myself.