You know the old saying “Birds of a feather flock together,” and so foster child seem instinctively to find each other. Over the years, teenager girls have come and gone. They usually made friends, some more than others did of course. I have always made a point of meeting friends and asking questions. Inevitably, the friends are somehow affected by foster care or adoption. Some are adopted through foster care, part of a foster family, foster child, or they should be. My children always seem surprised when they discover that their new friend is somehow associated with foster care. Over the years, I have realized the truth of the phrase, “Birds of a feather flock together.” Foster children are able to find each other almost intuitively.

I recently talked with an adult adoptee about adoption. I asked this young woman if she had any advice for me as an adoptive mother. She said that her most important advice is to keep the lines of communication open so that my adopted child feels free to talk with me about his adoption. Adopted children need to feel free to ask questions about their adoption as they have them.

Her second most important piece of advice was to give your adopted child plenty of love. She said that as long as you have communication and love in your relationship with your adopted child, then you provide the foundation for the other pieces to fall into place.

Number three on her list was honesty.

As I shared last week, an adoptee blogger took issue with something that I wrote on Adoption Under One Roof. In the course of reading over the comments on her blog, I learned that some adoptees actually choose to include the word “bastard” in their cause (whether that cause is through a blog, website, or group) to make a statement. Can somebody please explain to me what this statement is?

I ask this question in all sincerity. I truly do not understand this. To me, the term “bastard” is as offensive as calling an African-American the “N” word or a homosexual the “F” word. I would never use any of these terms to describe another person, and my son would be in big trouble if I ever heard him refer to another person in this manner. So, what message is intended to be conveyed when a person chooses this label in furtherance of his own cause?

A person who feels capable, respected, and has a sense of self-worth generally has high self-esteem. That is probably the exact opposite of how your new foster or adopted child will feel. I often hear people complain about a newly placed child’s lack of concern about family members, family property, consequences, or discipline. It is difficult, if not impossible to love someone, care about others, or care about personal losses when you do not love yourself, have self-worth, or self-respect. Being the child’s new parent puts you in a position of influence. Your words, time, and interactions with your new foster or adopted child can either build the child’s self-esteem and improve your relationship or destroy it.

I came across an important article today that is relevant to all of us that have adopted children from poor countries. Apparently, tuberculosis (TB) is not always detected in the first TB test our children have when we bring them home. Based on a recent study, a second skin test should be administered within three to six months to any child who tested negative the first time.

A group of researcher looked at 527 children who were tested within two months after arriving in the U.S. Of those 527, 111 or 21% tested positive for TB. From the group who tested negative, 203 were retested over three months later; 38 tested positive for the latent form of TB on this second test.

An adoptee blogger who writes a blog entitled Adoption and its Triad posted an entry on Tuesday called Loyalty and Lurkers in which she took issue with a comment I posted on Adoption Under One Roof. She takes issue with comments posted by Snafu Suz and Linny, too, so at least I am in good company.

Let me start from the beginning. In her blog entry entitled An Adoptee in Pain, Lisa wrote about a blog entitled Ungrateful Little Bastard. That blog has gone private, so there is no point in providing the link. That post spawned further discussions about adult adoptees’ pain. That post generated many comments, but only three are mentioned on the Loyalty and Lurkers blog entry. One of those is mine.

The blogger took issue with the following comment that I posted:

Have you provided foster care or adopted a child who cannot express pain, happiness, or anger? A recent comment by a reader reminded me of a child who lived with me several years ago. While she had not suffered physical abuse as a young child, she suffered a lot of neglect. She was also exposed to alcohol and cocaine while forming in her birthmother. Her counselor described her as stoic. That was at the tender age of eight. How may stoic eight year olds do you know?

Perhaps we could be thankful for the times when they smile, for the times that they honestly express their pain (because authenticity is hard, especially when one's been kicked around), and for all of the moments where they are still here, alive, contributing to society in whatever form, be it ever so small. By MermIndianHippie

Why do people have kids [via birth] when so many other kids need homes? Do people know about the kids needing families?

- 11 years old, adopted at 4 years of age, came into the child protective system due to neglect

My son’s elementary school just had a wonderful program called The NED Show. I was able to attend the second half of the program, and I was in tears (in a good way) over the positive message that my adopted child was receiving. NED stands for:

Never Give Up

Encourage Others

Do Your Best

- The NED Show

The speaker was dynamic, and his message was so positive. When I saw an auditorium of children holding up their hands and enthusiastically promising to “never, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever give up on myself,” I could feel the tears filling my eyes.