Adoptees

Plan Angel

Submitted by GuestBlogger on Sat, 03/13/2010 - 18:34

While over at an adult adoptee forum I found an organization called Plan Angel looking for artists with causes working for human rights of any kind. They believe that there are many ways you can express yourself in what you believe. Their goal is to bring awareness to the world in a positive way.

Plan Angel is an organization consisting of result-driven international projects with an emphasis on human rights along with organizations supporting and cooperating with Plan Angel.

I immediately sent off an email telling a Marcia Engel I was an advocate for open records for adoptees allowing them to get a copy of their Original Birth Certificate at age 18 and about my hand made art cards for adoptees especially for those who are searching and reuniting with biological family members. Marcia began to email me back. We began chatting and the more we talked the more interesting she became.

Marcia is an adoptee who was adopted by a couple from Amsterdam. Her adoptive father is German and mother Dutch. She told me she was kicked out of their house at the age of 12 after her parents divorced and she had to put her life together at that tender age alone. She managed to find her biological parents in Colombia and reunited with them.

Adoptees: Feeling Like You Were Not Wanted

Submitted by FaithA on Mon, 02/22/2010 - 07:26

Alone (c) Lynda BernhardtAs I shared a few weeks ago, I have fallen in love with the new CW TV series Life Unexpected. The show is about a 16-year-old girl named Lux (played by Brittany Robertson) whose birth parents, Cate (played by Shiri Appleby) and Baze (played by Kristoffer Polaha) placed her for adoption with the State when she was a newborn. Nobody told the birth parents that Lux was never adopted and grew up in the foster care system. In the pilot, a judge discovers that the termination of parental rights (TPR) was never finalized and places Lux into the temporary custody of her birth parents. Both birth parents feel terrible about Lux having been raised in a number of foster homes, and they are trying to learn how to parent an emotionally wounded teenager. They both love her, but there have been quite a few bumps along the way.

A couple of weeks ago, the show about broke my heart when it covered the topic of the foster child/adoptee feeling “unwanted.” In Lux’s file, Cate saw a letter that Lux wrote to Santa when she was around eight asking for parents for Christmas. Cate thought it was sweet, but Lux corrected her – It was sad. While children all over the world were asking Santa Claus for toys, year after year Lux asked for parents, but she was never chosen.

Guest Blog: Book Review for “Pieces of Me”

Submitted by GuestBlogger on Tue, 02/16/2010 - 13:24

Patricia DischlerPatricia Dischler is the author of "Because I Loved You: A Birthmother's View of Open Adoption", a speaker, child care professional and birthmother. Read more from Patricia here.

Cover to cover, staying true to its teen audience, Pieces of Me shares real stories of adoption from many points of view and helps the reader to fit together the puzzle of who they are as an adopted teen. Poignant, funny, heartwarming and almost shockingly honest, the poetry, prose, artwork and photos work together as pieces of a puzzle to form a picture of the lives of teens that happen to be adopted. Stories range from joyful to tragic, and where adoption is central to the puzzle or a piece only on the edges; each helping the reader to figure out how to place their own pieces of who they are.

How Old is Too Old to Adopt?

Submitted by LisaS on Tue, 02/16/2010 - 09:40

This is a question that we receive fairly regularly from our readers, and being the resident older adoptive parent, I feel responsible to respond.

I don’t think there is an actual chronological age when a person has to stop parenting because they are too old, real life examples being grandparents raising grandchildren all over the world. But when it comes to the adoption of a non-biological relation, it is a different story because of the age restrictions of adoption agencies within the US and the age restrictions of various countries involved in intercountry adoptions.

However I can honestly say that it is rarely easy to be an older adoptive parent, easier perhaps than babysitting grandchildren once in a while or watching someone else’s kids for a few hours because you build up what I call “parenting stamina and energy” when you are with a child 24/7. You will also find that you are in better shape than most of your peers. However many days you really have to push yourself to do the things a younger parent would do effortlessly, and I say this fairly confidently because I began parenting at the age of 20 –yes, I’ve been actively parenting for over 36 years.

GUEST BLOG: Cut off at the Root and Still in the Dark in 2010 – the Need for Open Birth Records

Submitted by GuestBlogger on Mon, 02/15/2010 - 14:47

Marjorie Shaw is an adoptee in a closed domestic adoption and author of the book,  “A Legitimate Life: A Forbidden Journey of Self Discovery" published on Adoption Under One Roof.

As I review my adoptive brother’s records from his birth in Chicago, Ill., in 1941 there are many details I missed thirteen years ago when I bought his records for $450 from the adoption agency. Today after rereading the pages of information I discover to my surprise his bio mother only put her first name on the Health Department-Laboratories Section---Serolog—Syphilis test. It states she is 20, white, single and a Scottish last name is hand written in small script on the report under Negative on The Laboratory Findings:

On another blood report the last surname was the same for the Negative Kahn and when I turned the document over an English last surname was written in for the x-ray report of his spine. They gave him two last names!

The background information from the adoption agency states that his nursery name is the same Scottish one that appeared on most of his records. The agency stated that his bio mother was of French and German descent and they didn’t state the name or nationality of his maternal grandparents. The 20 year old birthfather is said to be of Polish descent. So it a total mystery as to where the Scottish and English surnames come from that are listed on all the medical papers from the hospital?

Should we be Doing Birthparent Searches Without our Children's Approval?

Submitted by LisaS on Sun, 02/14/2010 - 23:16

In a recent comment, John brought up some important questions about birthparent searches:

... is it appropriate for the adoptive parent to do a search if the child hasn't indicated they want a search? Isn't that invading the rights of the child? It is his parent, not the adoptive Mom or Dad's parent. All five of mine came from foster care, a different type of adoption, but all have very strong feelings that searching is their prerogative only. It could be that my kids’ reactions are purely due to their backgrounds. It could also be that by the time the infant adoptees reach teenage and adult years that they too will feel that it is intrusive, and presumptive. Indeed, waiting to search may mean never getting an answer, but isn't the child's sense of his parent respecting him more important?

Let me address John's points one at a time.

Do we  invade the rights of our adopted child when we search for their birthparents without their approval?

I don’t think we are invading the rights of our adopted children when we do this; if anything we are invading their privacy. I believe it is their right to have open birth records and their right to be able to have contact with their birthparents when they so decide and the birthparents are in agreement.

GUEST BLOG - A Legitimate Life: A Forbidden Journey of Self Discovery FINAL BLOG

Submitted by GuestBlogger on Fri, 02/12/2010 - 13:56

Back on 9/29/2008, I posted the first blog containing a segment from Marjorie’s book, “A Legitimate Life: A Forbidden Journey of Self Discovery.” Since then each Monday and Friday  I’ve had the honor of posting another section of Marjorie's book for our readers’ enjoyment.

This may be the last segment of Marjorie's book but it is not the end of the relationship between Marjorie and Adoption Under One Roof. I have suggested to Marjorie that she continue to submit blogs to our website – she has much to contribute to the adoption world.

Over the last year and five months,  I’ve come to consider Marjorie a good friend, so this is rather an emotional day for me, and perhaps for her as well. Personally Marjorie has given me incredible insight into the heart and soul of an adoptee; for that I will be forever grateful.

Thank you Marjorie from all of us at Adoption Under One Roof.

Lisa S.

Chapter Twenty- Eight - The Final Chapter - “A Family Found” (continued from here)

It was the Bartel family that had the beer brewery in LaCrosse. The beautiful standing gray marble head stone with FRANKE engraved on it and other small headstones made of marble with various ancestors names on them surrounded by pots and urns filled with red geraniums and ivy at the St. James the Less Catholic Church were all paid for by the Bartel beer money. My father’s wife didn’t have any money but she inherited it from Jim when he died. She talks very slowly with a bit of a British affectation. Jim and Bob my uncle were very frugal and invested in the beer company stock and it split and split which is how they made the family fortune. My father had an obsession with hunting, trapping and fishing that bordered on insanity but everyone loved him and his big smile. However it seems he was always dragging in dirt and mud from all his outdoor ventures and his wife just gave him his own room and shut the door and never cleaned it. He became involved in commercial fishing at one point laying the big fishing nets.

Uncle Bob was a recluse who adored his wife. He owned some of the houses on Charles St and rented them out. One girl who lived in the house next to his had an old car that backfired all the time. He offered to buy her a new car or have her car fixed. She said no and told him to stay out of her business so he bought the house and evicted her.

Mark is a private investor and is very quiet. He has custody of his daughter whose mother is in a mental hospital.

Dear Adoption Maharishi: What Should I Do When My Daughter Says "You're not my mother."

Submitted by Adoption_Maharishi on Wed, 02/10/2010 - 18:44

  

Dear Adoption Maharishi,   

Recently my 10 year old adopted daughter has been saying “You’re not my real mother” when she is angry at me. I find this very hurtful and so far I’ve not addressed it with her. What should I say to her when she says that?

Signed, Sad Adoptive Mother

Dear Sad Adoptive Mother,

As cruel a remark as this is, it is best not to take it personally. Tweens and teens and younger children for that matter, are very talented at “pressing their parent’s buttons,” and know only too well that a remark like “You’re not my real mother,” gets an adopted parent’s attention very quickly, at least the first couple times they say it.

Additionally, when children are working through adoption issues, they may test and retest their parents’ committment to them. Will you stick by them no matter what or will you leave too? Remember, trust is a huge issue with many adoptees.

Probably a good response to this remark is a calm, quiet, “Of course I’m your real mother and always will be,” and move on. If your child keeps using this remark, tell them it is hurtful and not acceptable and they are not allowed to say it anymore. Then give them examples of words they can use if they are angry with you.

Adopted Child’s Nightmares About His “Real Mom”

Submitted by FaithA on Wed, 02/10/2010 - 07:58

Child sleeping (c) Lynda BernhardtMy nine-year-old adopted child has been having a recurring nightmare that has him very upset. He says that I walk into the room, but I am not “me.” I am not dressed like myself or acting like myself. In his last dream, I was wearing green and yellow striped shoes, and that got him so upset that he started shaking when he told me about the dream. I asked him why it upset him so much that I was wearing green and yellow striped shoes. He replied, “It’s not you. You weren’t you, mom!”

I am pretty good at decoding dreams for people I know well, and I think this dream is his subconscious processing his adoption.

GUEST BLOG - A Legitimate Life: A Forbidden Journey of Self Discovery

Submitted by GuestBlogger on Mon, 02/08/2010 - 11:29

Our Guestblogger today is Marjorie Shaw an adoptee in a closed domestic adoption. This is the autobiography of her search for her lost self as an adoptee in a closed adoption. We are delighted that she has given us the opportunity to post her manuscript on our website in segments on Mondays and Fridays. © 2006 All rights reserved

Chapter Twenty- Eight - The Final Chapter - “A Family Found” (continued from here)

Judy forwarded another email she received from the wife of my second cousin in LaCrosse.

Hi Everyone,

I hope I have these email addresses correct. (I think I should keep them outside the computer, because I tend to lose what might be more current.) We did not know that Bob was in the hospital and would continue to live on 7th floor until his death. The last we talked to him was in June. (We always sent him the Cubs baseball schedule and then he called to say, "Thanks". His voice sounded strong, as it always was rather booming. We talked quite a while and he turned down my offer to bring him some meals. He used to go to the Arterial Bar/Restaurant to buy his "tickets" for football and baseball. He was always there on a Wed. a.m. and enjoyed visiting with his cronies. He would leave with a quart jar of home made soup. (The reason I know this is that an investment club that I was in met at 8:00 a.m. once a month on a Wed.} After I resigned from the club, we only kept in touch with an occasional call to him or from Rick. In June when we talked, he said that the owner of the restaurant brought soup to him at home (Charles St.). He felt he was well watched over by neighbors, St. James priests, and the kind minister down the street.