adoption after infertility

Adoption Myth: If you Adopt, You will Get Pregnant

Submitted by FaithA on Wed, 05/13/2009 - 08:00

Baby Book (c) Faith AllenHub and I tried to conceive for three years before we decided to adopt a child. As soon as we announced that we had begun the adoption process, people started telling me that, as soon as I adopted, I would become pregnant. Guess what? I adopted in 2001, and I am still not pregnant. Guess they were wrong!

Everyone seems to know someone who went through infertility treatments, adopted a child, and then got pregnant. I know of two myself in my off-line life and more if I include people who I have met over the Internet. However, the vast majority of adoptive families that I know, both offline and online, did not go on to become pregnant after the adoption. Off the top of my head, I can think of seven adoptive families (including my own) in my offline life who adopted and did not later become pregnant.

So, why does this myth persist? My guess is that people mistakenly believe that perpetuating this myth is somehow comforting to the infertile couple. I, myself, found it annoying because I was not adopting my son to be a fertility object. He was not a means to an end.

How to Grieve Infertility

Submitted by FaithA on Wed, 04/08/2009 - 08:00

Looking over ocean (c) Lynda BernhardtA reader found Adoption Under One Roof by searching for the answer to “how to grieve infertility.” I ran that search myself on our site and was surprised to see that I had not written about this topic very often here. I used to write a blog on infertility, and I covered this topic frequently over there. I guess it is time to catch up here!

Many (but certainly not all) couples come to adoption after infertility. Hub and I were one of those couples. We really did not care how we became parents: we just wanted a child to love. I truly believed that adopting my child would “cure” my infertility grief. That turned out not to be the case, and I was quite taken aback by this.

I came to realize that adoption does not “cure” infertility. I am still just as infertile today as I was when I first started trying to conceive a child. Adopting a child did not change this fact about me. So, even with a beloved adopted child in my arms, I still needed to grieve my infertility.

My Adopted Child is Not a Consolation Prize

Submitted by FaithA on Wed, 10/01/2008 - 07:54

Boy looking into camera (c) Lynda BernhardtAs I shared in this post, some people have the mistaken impression that a biological child is somehow “better than” or preferred over an adopted child. This could not be further from the truth. My adopted child is simply my kid, and he is no consolation prize.

This used to bug me while I was waiting to adopt a child. For example, I lost count of how many times somebody told me that I would become pregnant after I adopted a child. I adopted my son 7-1/2 years ago, and I have yet to become pregnant. And you know what? That’s okay because I did not adopt my child as a fertility object. He is my son, not a means to an end. He is the “end.”

Reincarnation, Infertility, and Adoption

Submitted by FaithA on Sat, 05/17/2008 - 11:10

Pinwheel plant (c) Lynda BernhardtDid anyone happen to catch the “Oprah” show on past-life regression that aired this week? Her guest on that show was Brian L. Weiss, M.D., author of the book, Many Lives, Many Masters. He is considered one of the most authoritative voices on past-life regression, and his books have influenced my own beliefs in reincarnation.

Dr. Weiss hypnotized the studio audience, and the episode began with some of the members of the audience sharing their experiences. One woman said that she remembered multiple lifetimes, all of which involved her dying and leaving behind her children. She said she has a strong desire to become a mother but has been unable to become one.

Dr. Weiss said that this is a common theme among infertile women.

Not Fitting In While Waiting To Adopt A Child

Submitted by FaithA on Fri, 05/16/2008 - 08:23

Peppers (c) Lynda BernhardtWaiting to adopt a child was a very difficult time in my life. It was hard enough going through over three years of failed attempts to become pregnant. At least during that time, I was doing something. While I was waiting to adopt a child, there was nothing to do except wait for the phone to ring. The wait was excruciating for me.

What made things even worse was that I felt as if I did not fit in anywhere. There was not even a Sunday School class for me at my church. Everything was set up according to stage of life. I was neither a newlywed nor a mother of a young child, so I had nowhere to go. (I do not think hub would have approved of my joining the class for singles!)

Most of my friends were either parents or newlyweds.

Infertility Pain after Adoption

Submitted by FaithA on Fri, 04/11/2008 - 08:34

I was surprised to learn that adoption did not take away my infertility pain. I thought that the cause of my infertility pain was the inability to have a baby. So, once I adopted a baby, I assumed that I would no longer have any infertility pain. I was wrong.

My first clue that my infertility pain remained was my reaction to finding out that friends were pregnant with their second children. Without exception, I cried after hearing the news of one friend after another announcing her pregnancy. I held myself together in front of my friends because I had lots of experience in doing that during my 4-1/2 years of desperately wanting to become a parent. I had no idea why I was reacting that way when I held my child in my arms.

Not Everyone Comes to Adoption from Infertility

Submitted by FaithA on Thu, 04/10/2008 - 16:23

Just as most people assume that all birth mothers were young, poor, and single when they placed their babies for adoption, most people assume that all adoptive parents are infertile. This is not the case in many situations.

I have several on-line friends who never even tried to become pregnant. For one reason or another, they felt led to grow their family through adoption and never even tried to conceive a child. Those women tend to have a harder time relating to the pain of infertility after adoption because infertility was never something they needed to grieve.