Adoptive family

Complexity of Open/Semi-Open Adoptions with Adopted Siblings

Submitted by FaithA on Wed, 02/24/2010 - 08:01

Ice skating

My adopted child is taking ice skating lessons in a nearby city. I usually carpool with a friend, but this week I had to drive myself because my son had a doctor’s appointment in a nearby town. The MapQuest directions from the doctor to the ice skating rink brought me along the same route that I used to take when hub and I were going through our home study to adopt a second child. That got me thinking about the issues that concerned me back when we were going through the adoption process a second time. (We ultimately decided not to adopt again.)

One of my biggest concerns was the level of openness to have with the second adopted child’s birth mother. At the time, we had a semi-open adoption with my son’s birth mother, and we wanted another semi-open or an open adoption with the second child’s birth mother. However, I had concerns about whether differences in the level of openness with birth mom #2 would have a negative effect on my first adopted child.

For example, my first (and now only) adopted child’s birth mother asked to receive semi-annual letters, but she chose not to send any letters back to us. My son has never received a letter, card, or present from his birth mother, which is completely okay. However, what if birth mother #2 did want to send these things to her birth child? How would that make my son feel?

Dear Adoption Maharishi: Why Do Special Schools Ask About Adoption on the Application?

Submitted by Adoption_Maharishi on Wed, 02/17/2010 - 13:34

Dear Adoption Maharishi,

My adopted child has learning disabilities, so my husband and I are looking into a private school that specializes in working with children with learning disabilities. I was surprised that the first page of the application asked if the child was adopted and, if so, whether he was aware of his adoption. Are learning disabilities really that common in adopted children? Why do you think the application asked this question?

~ Curious

How Old is Too Old to Adopt?

Submitted by LisaS on Tue, 02/16/2010 - 09:40

This is a question that we receive fairly regularly from our readers, and being the resident older adoptive parent, I feel responsible to respond.

I don’t think there is an actual chronological age when a person has to stop parenting because they are too old, real life examples being grandparents raising grandchildren all over the world. But when it comes to the adoption of a non-biological relation, it is a different story because of the age restrictions of adoption agencies within the US and the age restrictions of various countries involved in intercountry adoptions.

However I can honestly say that it is rarely easy to be an older adoptive parent, easier perhaps than babysitting grandchildren once in a while or watching someone else’s kids for a few hours because you build up what I call “parenting stamina and energy” when you are with a child 24/7. You will also find that you are in better shape than most of your peers. However many days you really have to push yourself to do the things a younger parent would do effortlessly, and I say this fairly confidently because I began parenting at the age of 20 –yes, I’ve been actively parenting for over 36 years.

Adopted Child’s Nightmares About His “Real Mom”

Submitted by FaithA on Wed, 02/10/2010 - 07:58

Child sleeping (c) Lynda BernhardtMy nine-year-old adopted child has been having a recurring nightmare that has him very upset. He says that I walk into the room, but I am not “me.” I am not dressed like myself or acting like myself. In his last dream, I was wearing green and yellow striped shoes, and that got him so upset that he started shaking when he told me about the dream. I asked him why it upset him so much that I was wearing green and yellow striped shoes. He replied, “It’s not you. You weren’t you, mom!”

I am pretty good at decoding dreams for people I know well, and I think this dream is his subconscious processing his adoption.

Searching for a Birthmother Part IV: You’ve Found the Birthmother, Now What?

Submitted by LisaS on Tue, 02/09/2010 - 14:55

If you are among the fortunate adoptive parents who have been able to find your child’s birthmother,* I congratulate you. You have taken a huge step and it was not an easy one. Here are some of the scenarios that can result from a successful search:

1. The birthmother is overjoyed at having been found and wants continued contact.

2. The birthmother was relieved to hear word of the child she placed for adoption but does not want further contact.

3. The birthmother is very poor and wants you to help her financially.

4. The birthmother is married and has children and does not want her new family to know anything about the child she placed for adoption.

Guest Blog: Doing the Right Thing

Submitted by GuestBlogger on Mon, 01/25/2010 - 21:07

Patricia DischlerPatricia Dischler is the author of "Because I Loved You: A Birthmother's View of Open Adoption", a speaker, child care professional and birthmother. Read more from Patricia here.

Continued from here…

I get very torn when considering all of this. My whole adult life has been about caring for children, as a preschool teacher and owner and being a mother and birthmother. They have always come first for me. It is the most impossible thing for me to imagine NOT putting a child’s needs first. I admit I get very angry when I hear of parents who do not. My heart breaks for these children. I would do anything to be able to scoop them all up in my arms and hug away all the bad in their lives. I highly doubt I could have had such a quiet and respectful encounter with a drug addict parent as Leigh Anne did in the movie. I’m not even sure I could act out a scene like that with other actors with any believability! But watching that scene, and witnessing the quiet but powerful encounter, I realized that it was the right thing to do. Horrendously difficult, but right, movie or not.

Guest Blog: The Sake of the Child

Submitted by GuestBlogger on Sun, 01/24/2010 - 21:06

Patricia DischlerPatricia Dischler is the author of "Because I Loved You: A Birthmother's View of Open Adoption", a speaker, child care professional and birthmother. Read more from Patricia here.

Continued from here…

That’s what it really boils down to: the sake of the child. Right or wrong, children love their parents – even if these parents abuse and neglect them. They are still their parents. They may come to hate the choices made, but rarely do they come to hate the person. It’s this separation that I think can help those who are working to rebuild what was broken, the counselors and the adoptive parents. Birthparents that make choices that hurt their children are often in situations that prevent them from putting the child’s best interest in the forefront. Drugs, alcohol, mental illness, these all bring them to a place where their priorities are their own needs. They simply are not capable of changing this priority at this time. But this doesn’t mean they don’t love their children, it’s more that they just aren’t sure how to do it at that time.

Guest Blog: The Movie “Blind Side”

Submitted by GuestBlogger on Sat, 01/23/2010 - 21:02

Patricia DischlerPatricia Dischler is the author of "Because I Loved You: A Birthmother's View of Open Adoption", a speaker, child care professional and birthmother. Read more from Patricia here.

I recently saw the movie “Blind Side” with my husband. Aside from the great message that when a child is given the chance, they can go on to successful lives, I was particularly touched by one scene. The mother in the family that took in the boy, Leigh Anne Touhy, played beautifully by Sandra Bullock, has decided she wants to gain guardianship of Michael. But before doing so, Leigh Anne finds his mother. This scene not only took me by surprise, it left me examining my own feelings of respect towards birthmothers.

GUEST BLOG: How Can I Dissolve This Adoption? Part 1

Submitted by GuestBlogger on Wed, 01/13/2010 - 00:15

Linny and her husband have adopted several times: Internationally, through the foster/adopt system, and transracially through domestic adoption. Five of these adoptions were infants; three were "older child" adoptions. They have known the joys and disappointments of adoption having placed one child into residential care, dissolving the adoption of another child, and having one child re-adopted. Linny and her husband have adopted one more time.......bringing a total of four at home....ages 8yrs to 1yr. Dissolution of an adoption…Linny …copyright 2010

 

The nausea in your stomach and emotional pain that continues to live in your soul each and every day you’ve considered this position has not gone away.

Adoption is forever"…or so you’ve been told and believed from the start.You’ve had other children who were adopted and living with them has been alright….so you figure---somehow---you’ve been a decent parent. You’ve tried everything in therapies, counseling, disciplines. Nothing has worked successfully for your child.

You promised to love and care for this child from the start. But now, the problem is much bigger than ‘be patient, stay steadfast and love will conquer all’….much bigger. The child’s now a danger---physically and/or sexually, and/or emotionally----to your other children. Whose rights do you now consider?

In the world of adoption, you‘re committing the ultimate sin. Just the thought that you could separate yourself from your child through dissolution is enough to make the best counselor turn red from anger.

But of course, most counselors have never had a sexual offender nor a child who’s capable of killing animals and children in their home.

Books on adoption don’t want to include this aspect of adoption, though it happens more often than you think. Society doesn’t want to even consider it, because it means that some children are head towards committing horrific crimes and lack a conscience. That doesn’t sit well with those who write "‘Fun Facts about Little Johnny" in the waiting children section of the DCF, nor make for good advertisement in the "Home For the Holidays" specials on TV. Much of this‘head in the sand thinking comes from those who have no idea what it’s like to ‘live the walk’. This isn’t a case that calls for simple solutions, some counseling with the family, and everyone walks away thinking, "Gee, the sun will come out tomorrow." Far from it.

My Adopted Child’s Reaction to the Death of his Birth Mother

Submitted by FaithA on Mon, 01/11/2010 - 07:16

Brown flowers (c) Lynda BernhardtLast week, I shared that my adopted child’s birth mother (T) passed away. On Monday, I talked about hub’s and my reaction to the news. On Wednesday, I talked about how I told my eight-year-old son the news. Today, I would like to focus upon my son’s reaction.

My son is an immature eight-year-old, and he does not generally think about things too deeply. He lives in the moment, and he prefers not to talk about things that make him sad. This was his reaction when his grandmother passed away in 2008.

After I told my adopted child about his birth mother passing away, he did not want to talk about it anymore. I said that she loved him and will always love him, even from heaven, and I pointed out that it was a blessing that she spared him from losing his mother during his kindergarten year. I said that it is okay to talk with me about how he is feeling anytime he wants.

I then emailed his teachers and school counselor with the news. I asked them to keep an eye out for any changes in behavior. I also asked the school counselor to meet with him in case he needed to talk. By all accounts, this news made no difference in his behavior at school.

However, my son has been processing the news. I know this because he keeps asking me questions and making comments about it.