Adoptive parenting

Taking my Guatemalan Born Daughter to Visit Guatemala

Submitted by LisaS on Fri, 07/30/2010 - 10:55

My daughter and I have just returned from a trip to Guatemala. It was a wonderful experience for both of us. We were part of a group from my friend Pam’s church and her daughter Maria, also adopted from Guatemala, came along as well. Ella and Maria are good friends so they had each other for companionship and had a great deal of fun together. I had counted on their having each other a positive way for Ella to return to Guatemala for the first time, and fortunately I was correct.

Ella loved Guatemala and told everyone she met that she was born there. She consistently used the few Spanish words she knew and picked up many more. We spent a full day with 100 children from the new government run orphanage “Hogar Solidarios” that incorporated 4 separate and run down government orphanages in Guatemala City into one orphan village, and took the children to the zoo. Ella was perfectly comfortable playing with these children and enjoyed herself immensely.

Parents who Fear their Biological or Adopted Child

Submitted by LisaS on Fri, 07/23/2010 - 07:47

Recently while talking with a close friend about her grown daughter, she admitted that she was always afraid of this child. From the time her daughter was around three, she was scared not to let her have her way as this resulted in intense tantrums. This was by no means a violent little girl, I remember her well, but very strong willed and her mother had a much milder personality.

Surprisingly there are many parents who are afraid of their children’s reactions and responses and will do anything to keep the peace, even if it means giving in to their child when they really shouldn't. But there are many problems with this style of parenting. When a child feels that a parent is not in charge, he takes over. But a young child is not mentally or intellectually ready to make all the decisions in his life. Often he has no idea what he should do or just how far he can go and that makes him fearful and anxious resulting in even worse behavior.

“Fearful parenting” may result from inexperience, lack of confidence, poor parenting skills, fear of losing the child's love, competition over the child in a divorce situation, or out of guilt, such as when a parent works long hours and feels badly about the short amount of time they have with their child each day. 

CPS Investigation: The Waiting

Submitted by FosterMommy on Wed, 07/21/2010 - 13:53

You’ll remember that we were awaken on a Tuesday morning by the arrival of a CPS worker with a list of accusations (you can read them here; “ CPS Investigation: The Accusations”). The accusations were followed by individual interrogations of every family member. (You can read them here; “ CPS Investigation: The Interrogations.”.) After that the family waited for weeks to hear the outcome as the reality of the situation hit home. (You can read about it here; “ CPS Investigation: Reality and the Silence”.) After reality hit, so did the devastation over the horrible, incredible loss of a close friend and the family’s relationship with her young children. Some found it hard to believe the devastation considering no one was removed from the family home by the CPS worker. (If you want to try to understand you can read about it here; “ CPS Investigation: The Devastation”.) The family was still waiting for some kind of information from the CPS worker.

Weighing in – Rights of Birth Father and Best Interest of Adopted Child

Submitted by FaithA on Wed, 07/21/2010 - 06:27

Hornet's nestThis week, Lisa has been blogging about Vanessa, a two-year-old adopted child whose birth father is seeking custody. The birth mother said that the birth father was unknown when she placed Vanessa for adoption as a newborn. Vanessa’s birth father, whose parental rights were not legally terminated due to the birth mother not disclosing his paternity, is now seeking custody.

According to Lisa’s blog, the birth father has a criminal record and does not have custody of his other four biological children. A judge’s ridiculous decision was to place the child into foster care until the custody issue was sorted out, but Lisa reported on her follow up blog entry that an emergency court order was granted that will keep Vanessa in her current adoptive home until the custody issue is resolved.

Lisa’s position is that the child should stay in her adoptive home permanently because the birth father is bad news. John posted a couple of comments stating that, whether the birth father is a “creep” or not, he is still the child’s father and has legal rights. I posted my opinion in the comments on both blog entries, but I would like to elaborate further here.

ADOPTIVE FAMILIES ANNUAL COVER PHOTO CONTEST

Submitted by LisaS on Tue, 07/20/2010 - 16:13

Adoptive Families Annual Cover Photo Contest is underway and they want to see your best shots. Upload a photo today and perhaps it will be the one shown on the cover of Adoptive Families magazine. Enter the contest here: www.adoptivefamilies.com/photocontest
 

Digital cameras and photography packages are just some of the prizes. All entrants are eligible to win one of eight Shutterfly Photo Books.

Last years winners.

Image Credit: Lisa S (wondering if I should enter this photo...)

Common Sense Prevails: Child in Custody Battle Will Stay With her Adoptive Mother for Now

Submitted by LisaS on Mon, 07/19/2010 - 17:40

Continued from my last blog...Stacey Doss was granted an emergency stay for a court order that required that her adopted daughter Vanessa be returned to Ohio until the courts decide if she will stay with Doss or be sent to live with her birth father who wants custody of her. Until further order of the court, Vanessa will remain with her mother.

I’m breathing a temporary sigh of relief. The first court order that I wrote about in yesterday’s blog would have Vanessa returned to Ohio on July 16th living in a foster home until the custody battle was over. What sense would there be in doing that and further traumatizing this innocent two year old?

The battle over the custody of Vanessa has ensued for 18 months ever since the birth father filed for custody just before the adoption was finalized. Now the birth father can file formal opposition to this stay by August 2nd.

This nightmare is a long way from being over.

Image Credit: flickr

Who Will Get Vanessa? Adoptive Mother and Birthfather Fight Over Child

Submitted by LisaS on Sun, 07/18/2010 - 21:28

Vanessa is a sweet two year old who has been living in California with her adoptive mother Stacey Doss since birth. At the time that Stacey adopted Vanessa, the birthmother lied and claimed that she did not know who the birthfather was.

Now Vanessa’s birthfather wants her back. An Orange County judge ruled that:

officials in the father's home — Montgomery County, in Ohio — have jurisdiction over the ongoing case. As a result, Vanessa Doss, 2, is expected to be placed in foster care there by July 16. After that, officials there will sort out if Vanessa will eventually return to the Rancho Santa Margarita home of Stacey Doss, her adoptive mother since birth, or stay in the custody of her biological father, Benjamin Mills Jr., 39.

Adoptive Mother Travels to China to Find Donor for her Daughter

Submitted by LisaS on Thu, 07/15/2010 - 14:16

Katie was adopted from an orphanage in China where she had a poor and malnourished start to life. Her mother, Sherrie Cramer, brought her to the US and provided her with love, nourishment, a home, and two sisters also adopted from China. Now Cramer has returned to China, not to adopt but to find a bone marrow donor for Katie who is suffering from acute myleoid leukemia.

Unable to find a donor in the US Cramer has travelled to China trying to find a donor among the 16 million people in Katie’s Zhuang ethnic group. Katie has no known living relatives. Time is of the essence as the doctors say that Katie will only live another month or two without the bone marrow transplant.

According to the Asian American Donor Program,

 ethnic minorities overall have a 50 percent chance of finding a perfect match from the U.S. bone marrow donor registry of 8 million people, compared to an 80 percent chance for Caucasians.

Trauma Thursday: Not All Birth Parents are “Good”

Submitted by FaithA on Thu, 07/15/2010 - 06:14

Traumatized Adopted Child (c) JulieC

Yesterday, I blogged about a disturbing news story: Birth Mother Imprisoned for Raping 14-Year-Old Birth Son. This news story is a perfect example of one area of adoption in which I vehemently disagree with many adoption experts (social workers, etc.). Many adoption experts will tell you that adoptive parents should never speak unkindly about a birth parent around the birth child. Some will even go as far as to say that adoptive parents should look for positive traits to talk about, even when the child’s birth parent severely abused the child.

Speaking as an adult survivor of child abuse, that advice is terrible and is potentially damaging to the abused child and can even impede your ability to bond with your abused foster or adopted child. Let’s take this case for example. This 14-year-old boy’s birth mother found him through Facebook. She reached out to him and offered him a relationship. The boy likely expected to find another mother – another woman who loved him and would always take care of him. Instead, she raped him at least twice.

Do you really think that this traumatized boy needs to hear, “I know she raped you, but she cared enough about to you try to contact you” or “I am sure she is a good person when she is not raping you”?

“Routines” in Your Adopted or Biological Child’s Life

Submitted by LisaS on Wed, 07/14/2010 - 07:57

We are creatures of habit and most of us have routines that we follow every day. We don’t usually like to change our routines – they give us a sense of security and provide a rhythm to our lives. Our children are no different and quickly adjust to the routines in their daily life. For example every morning my daughter gets up and goes to her chair at the kitchen table and drinks her warmed chocolate milk. She knows this will happen every morning; she expects it and enjoys it.

Children like to know what is going to transpire in their day. They don’t like to guess what is going to happen next. Some children, like my daughter, want to have a fairly detailed description of each day’s agenda. Other children may be less pedantic but nonetheless routines bring them comfort, security and peace.

Even though routines can seem boring at times, parents would do well not to underestimate the importance of them in our children’s lives and do their best not to disrupt them. Routines create a framework in our children’s lives. Additionally eating and sleeping around the same time each day is a healthy lifestyle for our children.