In a recent comment, John brought up some important questions about birthparent searches:

... is it appropriate for the adoptive parent to do a search if the child hasn't indicated they want a search? Isn't that invading the rights of the child? It is his parent, not the adoptive Mom or Dad's parent. All five of mine came from foster care, a different type of adoption, but all have very strong feelings that searching is their prerogative only. It could be that my kids’ reactions are purely due to their backgrounds. It could also be that by the time the infant adoptees reach teenage and adult years that they too will feel that it is intrusive, and presumptive. Indeed, waiting to search may mean never getting an answer, but isn't the child's sense of his parent respecting him more important?

Let me address John's points one at a time.

Do we  invade the rights of our adopted child when we search for their birthparents without their approval?

I don’t think we are invading the rights of our adopted children when we do this; if anything we are invading their privacy. I believe it is their right to have open birth records and their right to be able to have contact with their birthparents when they so decide and the birthparents are in agreement.

In my previous blog about birthmother* searches, I suggested asking yourself some hard questions before you begin a search for your adopted child's birthmother. Once you have decided to execute a search, you need someone to do it for you unless you are doing it yourself.

My experience is limited to searching for a birthmother in Guatemala, but some of this advice is relevant for completing a birthmother search anywhere – in the US or outside US borders.

1. Do not choose the first birthmother searcher you hear about. Get the names of several searchers and research their credentials.

 2. Ask for references from people who completed searches with the birthmother searcher and call them.

3. Find out how many searches the birthmother searchers have completed and how successful they have been.

4. Compare prices. Some birthmother searchers are more expensive than others; sometimes there are hidden costs. For example, searchers may have you pay a small price up front, but “al a carte” pricing for every additional service they provide. Some searchers quote a much higher price initially that is all inclusive: transportation, telephone calls, transcripts of information, photos, etc.

Patricia Dischler is the author of "Because I Loved You: A Birthmother's View of Open Adoption", a speaker, child care professional and birthmother. Read more from Patricia here.

Continued from here…

That’s what it really boils down to: the sake of the child. Right or wrong, children love their parents – even if these parents abuse and neglect them. They are still their parents. They may come to hate the choices made, but rarely do they come to hate the person. It’s this separation that I think can help those who are working to rebuild what was broken, the counselors and the adoptive parents. Birthparents that make choices that hurt their children are often in situations that prevent them from putting the child’s best interest in the forefront. Drugs, alcohol, mental illness, these all bring them to a place where their priorities are their own needs. They simply are not capable of changing this priority at this time. But this doesn’t mean they don’t love their children, it’s more that they just aren’t sure how to do it at that time.

This is the promised continuation of “When a Birthparent Get Scammed They Lose a Child.”

We all understand that sometimes visitation is not in the best interest of the child. For example, if the birthparents are actively and currently involved with any type of addiction or illegal activity that is a sound reason to discontinue visitation. However, adoptive parents should still honor the agreement to send updates and pictures even if actual face-to-face visitation is not possible.

Unfortunately adoptive parents may not realize the affect they have on the lives and adoption choices of others. Recently, a young mother whom I have known personally for seven years wanted to place her unborn child for adoption. She went so far as to actually match twice and almost match a third time.