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Birth Family

Disability Rates Among Adopted Children

Submitted by LisaS on Fri, 03/05/2010 - 09:51
  • Adoptee health
  • Adoption Statistics
  • Birth Family
  • domestic adoption
  • Intercountry adoption

Philip N. Cohen, sociologist at UNC Chapel Hill has completed a study of disability rates among adopted children based on census data from 2000. He and his partner Rose Kreider:

 “found no major differences between domestic and international adoptees -- though they all have disability rates about twice the national average.”

It is often assumed that children adopted from third world countries will have far more disabilities than children adopted domestically (within the US) because of deprivations so I was rather surprised to read the findings of this study. I was also reminded by the author that boys tend to have a higher rate of certain disabilities than girls.

  • LisaS's blog
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Should we be Doing Birthparent Searches Without our Children's Approval?

Submitted by LisaS on Sun, 02/14/2010 - 23:16
  • Adoptee health
  • Adoptees
  • Adoptive parenting
  • Birth Family
  • Closed adoption
  • Intercountry adoption
  • Search and reunion

In a recent comment, John brought up some important questions about birthparent searches:

... is it appropriate for the adoptive parent to do a search if the child hasn't indicated they want a search? Isn't that invading the rights of the child? It is his parent, not the adoptive Mom or Dad's parent. All five of mine came from foster care, a different type of adoption, but all have very strong feelings that searching is their prerogative only. It could be that my kids’ reactions are purely due to their backgrounds. It could also be that by the time the infant adoptees reach teenage and adult years that they too will feel that it is intrusive, and presumptive. Indeed, waiting to search may mean never getting an answer, but isn't the child's sense of his parent respecting him more important?

Let me address John's points one at a time.

Do we  invade the rights of our adopted child when we search for their birthparents without their approval?

I don’t think we are invading the rights of our adopted children when we do this; if anything we are invading their privacy. I believe it is their right to have open birth records and their right to be able to have contact with their birthparents when they so decide and the birthparents are in agreement.

  • LisaS's blog
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Searching for a Birthmother Part IV: You’ve Found the Birthmother, Now What?

Submitted by LisaS on Tue, 02/09/2010 - 14:55
  • Adoptee health
  • Adoptive family
  • Birth Family
  • Search and reunion
  • Transracial adoption

If you are among the fortunate adoptive parents who have been able to find your child’s birthmother,* I congratulate you. You have taken a huge step and it was not an easy one. Here are some of the scenarios that can result from a successful search:

1. The birthmother is overjoyed at having been found and wants continued contact.

2. The birthmother was relieved to hear word of the child she placed for adoption but does not want further contact.

3. The birthmother is very poor and wants you to help her financially.

4. The birthmother is married and has children and does not want her new family to know anything about the child she placed for adoption.

  • LisaS's blog
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Searching for a Birthmother - Part II: Choosing A Person to Search for Your Adopted Child’s Birthmother

Submitted by LisaS on Fri, 01/29/2010 - 11:31
  • Adoptee health
  • Adoptee rights
  • Adoptive parenting
  • Birth Family
  • Birth siblings
  • Intercountry adoption
  • Open Adoption
  • Search and reunion
  • searching for birthmothers
  • the best birthmother searcher for you family

In my previous blog about birthmother* searches, I suggested asking yourself some hard questions before you begin a search for your adopted child's birthmother. Once you have decided to execute a search, you need someone to do it for you unless you are doing it yourself.

My experience is limited to searching for a birthmother in Guatemala, but some of this advice is relevant for completing a birthmother search anywhere – in the US or outside US borders.

1. Do not choose the first birthmother searcher you hear about. Get the names of several searchers and research their credentials.

 2. Ask for references from people who completed searches with the birthmother searcher and call them.

3. Find out how many searches the birthmother searchers have completed and how successful they have been.

4. Compare prices. Some birthmother searchers are more expensive than others; sometimes there are hidden costs. For example, searchers may have you pay a small price up front, but “al a carte” pricing for every additional service they provide. Some searchers quote a much higher price initially that is all inclusive: transportation, telephone calls, transcripts of information, photos, etc.

  • LisaS's blog
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Guest Blog: Doing the Right Thing

Submitted by GuestBlogger on Mon, 01/25/2010 - 21:07
  • Adoptive family
  • Birth Family
  • Birth mothers
  • Birth parents
  • Foster adoption
  • Foster care
  • Patricia Dischler
  • Special needs
  • Traumatized children

Patricia DischlerPatricia Dischler is the author of "Because I Loved You: A Birthmother's View of Open Adoption", a speaker, child care professional and birthmother. Read more from Patricia here.

Continued from here…

I get very torn when considering all of this. My whole adult life has been about caring for children, as a preschool teacher and owner and being a mother and birthmother. They have always come first for me. It is the most impossible thing for me to imagine NOT putting a child’s needs first. I admit I get very angry when I hear of parents who do not. My heart breaks for these children. I would do anything to be able to scoop them all up in my arms and hug away all the bad in their lives. I highly doubt I could have had such a quiet and respectful encounter with a drug addict parent as Leigh Anne did in the movie. I’m not even sure I could act out a scene like that with other actors with any believability! But watching that scene, and witnessing the quiet but powerful encounter, I realized that it was the right thing to do. Horrendously difficult, but right, movie or not.

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Guest Blog: The Sake of the Child

Submitted by GuestBlogger on Sun, 01/24/2010 - 21:06
  • Adoptive family
  • Birth Family
  • Birth mothers
  • Birth parents
  • Foster adoption
  • Foster care
  • Patricia Dischler
  • Special needs
  • Traumatized children

Patricia DischlerPatricia Dischler is the author of "Because I Loved You: A Birthmother's View of Open Adoption", a speaker, child care professional and birthmother. Read more from Patricia here.

Continued from here…

That’s what it really boils down to: the sake of the child. Right or wrong, children love their parents – even if these parents abuse and neglect them. They are still their parents. They may come to hate the choices made, but rarely do they come to hate the person. It’s this separation that I think can help those who are working to rebuild what was broken, the counselors and the adoptive parents. Birthparents that make choices that hurt their children are often in situations that prevent them from putting the child’s best interest in the forefront. Drugs, alcohol, mental illness, these all bring them to a place where their priorities are their own needs. They simply are not capable of changing this priority at this time. But this doesn’t mean they don’t love their children, it’s more that they just aren’t sure how to do it at that time.

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Guest Blog: The Movie “Blind Side”

Submitted by GuestBlogger on Sat, 01/23/2010 - 21:02
  • Adoptive family
  • Birth Family
  • Birth mothers
  • Birth parents
  • Foster adoption
  • Foster care
  • Patricia Dischler
  • Sandra Bullock
  • Special needs
  • The Blind Side
  • Traumatized children

Patricia DischlerPatricia Dischler is the author of "Because I Loved You: A Birthmother's View of Open Adoption", a speaker, child care professional and birthmother. Read more from Patricia here.

I recently saw the movie “Blind Side” with my husband. Aside from the great message that when a child is given the chance, they can go on to successful lives, I was particularly touched by one scene. The mother in the family that took in the boy, Leigh Anne Touhy, played beautifully by Sandra Bullock, has decided she wants to gain guardianship of Michael. But before doing so, Leigh Anne finds his mother. This scene not only took me by surprise, it left me examining my own feelings of respect towards birthmothers.

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Adopted Children's Birth Relatives Are Their People

Submitted by JuliaFuller on Mon, 01/18/2010 - 23:12
  • Birth Family
  • Birth fathers
  • Birth grandparents
  • Birth mothers
  • Birth parents
  • Birth siblings

This is the promised continuation of “When a Birthparent Get Scammed They Lose a Child.”

We all understand that sometimes visitation is not in the best interest of the child. For example, if the birthparents are actively and currently involved with any type of addiction or illegal activity that is a sound reason to discontinue visitation. However, adoptive parents should still honor the agreement to send updates and pictures even if actual face-to-face visitation is not possible.

Unfortunately adoptive parents may not realize the affect they have on the lives and adoption choices of others. Recently, a young mother whom I have known personally for seven years wanted to place her unborn child for adoption. She went so far as to actually match twice and almost match a third time.

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Learning to Read the Signs that Your Adopted Child has Heard Enough

Submitted by LisaS on Thu, 01/07/2010 - 12:47
  • Adoptee health
  • Adoptive family
  • Adoptive parenting
  • Birth Family
  • Birth mothers
  • Closed adoption
  • Open Adoption
  • Talking about adoption
  • watching for the signs of discomfort in your adopted child

In one of Faith’s recent blogs, she reported that her son had said “I don’t want to talk about it anymore,” when he no longer wanted to continue the conversation about the sad passing of his birthmother. This is a standard response from an adopted child of his age and parents would be wise not to push their child even one iota beyond what their child can handle. Faith’s son is in grade school.

Younger children, such as my daughter who is 4 years old, may simply say, “I’m done,” or just jump off your lap and walk away when they want the conversation about birth parents to end. I recently received updated information about my daughter’s birthmother that I shared with Ella.. I knew the instant the conversation was over.

 That’s enough,” she said, and bounced off my lap.

  • LisaS's blog
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Our Adopted Daughter’s Chanukah Miracle: Her Birthmother Has Been Found

Submitted by LisaS on Thu, 12/24/2009 - 00:49
  • Adoptee health
  • Adoptee rights
  • Birth Family
  • Guatemala
  • Intercountry adoption
  • Open Adoption
  • Philanthropy
  • Search and reunion
  • search for birthmother successful; why I searched for my daughter's birthmother
  • successful birthmother search brings peace of mind
  • Talking about adoption
  • Transracial adoption

We have found my adopted daughter’s birthmother in Guatemala. The searcher who took this upon herself has sent us photographs and updated information.

Three years and ten months ago I was getting acquainted with my soon to be adopted daughter in a hotel in Guatemala City. A new friend and fellow adoptive parent asked me if I’d ever want to meet my daughter’s birthmother. At that time, I clearly remember saying “no”; having an “involved” birthmother was not something I wanted.

No sooner had I brought Ella home from Guatemala and I found myself poring over the adoption documents learning whatever I could about the birthparents and trying to fill in the spaces between the lines. I wanted to meet the person who had given birth to this baby who was incredibly adorable and loveable, to share the important milestones with her, and thank her for the ultimate and painful sacrifice she had made. I decided that one day I would search for her even though she had requested no future contact. Perhaps she had changed her mind.

My gut instinct said “go ahead, do it.” 

It was the right decision

Other reasons I had a birthmother search done:

1. Listening to adoptees over the last four years convinced me of an adoptee’s need to have as much information about her birthparents as possible, and in some cases the opportunity to meet them as well.

2. Most birthmothers in Guatemala want to know that their child is alive, healthy, and loved. So many rumors about the welfare of adopted children circulate in Guatemala, the worst being that they are adopted for their body organs.

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